|Now I finally found the way to freedom. I've been saving up all my strength for this very day. And now that I'm standing at the gate. Open up your arms. And spread them wide. Nothing's gonna hold me back this time
I broke up with myself a long time ago. It’s been so long that I don’t really know all the reasons why anymore. It’s been a relationship I always regretted letting go of. It started out as punishment for things that I allowed myself to say, to feel and to accept both of others and of myself. Then, it transformed itself into things that others believed I was worth/not worthy of. It manifested into a deepness of resentment and hate until one day, I just couldn’t see myself being with me for the rest of my life. I was so mean to me. So cruel. I was abusive. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and worst of all physically. I don’t remember if I deserved all of it or not, but when does anyone ever deserve that kind of treatment?
The most spectacular thing about our soul is that no matter how lost we become we can always find our way home. When we break up with ourselves (regardless of the reason(s)) we will always allow ourselves chances to come back. To come home. It’s incredible how if we truly allow ourselves to be forgiven we can-even when it seems almost impossible to do. Our mind, heart, soul and spirit will always welcome us back with open arms at any moment. All we have to do is be willing to be forgiven.
The truth is, I have wanted to be loved all my life. I’ve wanted to be respected and honoured in every way. I wanted to be known for my morals, my integrity and my truth. Only, I haven’t really known what any of that is for some time now. Each time I broke up with myself I extinguished more and more of my inner fire. The voice that originally gave life to this woman you see / read about. We haven’t spoken in so long and I am sad to say that I don’t really remember the name she had given herself.
The most beautiful (and ironic thing) is that she came looking for me as of late. She found me yesterday and wanted to talk. I was very surprised at the visit – especially considering that after all we’d been through, after all I had done, she still wanted to make amends and try again. After a very long and intense “heart to heart”, I realized that the love she had for me once has always remained. That if anything, it has grown with each hurtful thing I had done to us over the years. I was stunned. I had no words, only a deep/overwhelming feeling of peace. I told her that I still loved her too – with all my heart. I admitted that I had never stopped loving her, I just felt too ashamed to express it after all I have done. She had this glow about her. A beaming light – and without a word, I knew she was really happy to hear that I loved her back after all this time.
After a much deserved “catch up” with myself, it was evident that we not only still loved one another, but that we wanted to try again to salvage our relationship. So, we are back together once again. It feels pretty amazing! We both know that it will be a “work in progress” type of journey, but we are willing to make that commitment to us. I told her (with some hesitation) that I cannot promise I will never try to stray again and that it will take time to stop feeling bad/responsible for all that’s happened between us. I asked her to forgive me and she replied: “ That has been your problem all along. You always want and feel the need to be forgiven by others, but the only forgiveness that sometimes matters is the one you can give to yourself. Are you ready to forgive yourself?” I swallowed hard at that, but she was right. I’ve always been so busy asking others for forgiveness that I never realized that the most important forgiveness was to come from me of myself. Huh.. Funny how life can teach you the most incredible things.
In honour of my rekindled relationship with myself, I dedicate this song to my rebirth: