Monday, August 27, 2012


Now I finally found the way to freedom.  I've been saving up all my strength for this very day.  And now that I'm standing at the gate.  Open up your arms.  And spread them wide.  Nothing's gonna hold me back this time

I broke up with myself a long time ago. It’s been so long that I don’t really know all the reasons why anymore. It’s been a relationship I always regretted letting go of. It started out as punishment for things that I allowed myself to say, to feel and to accept both of others and of myself. Then, it transformed itself into things that others believed I was worth/not worthy of. It manifested into a deepness of resentment and hate until one day, I just couldn’t see myself being with me for the rest of my life. I was so mean to me. So cruel. I was abusive. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and worst of all physically. I don’t remember if I deserved all of it or not, but when does anyone ever deserve that kind of treatment?

The most spectacular thing about our soul is that no matter how lost we become we can always find our way home. When we break up with ourselves (regardless of the reason(s)) we will always allow ourselves chances to come back. To come home. It’s incredible how if we truly allow ourselves to be forgiven we can-even when it seems almost impossible to do. Our mind, heart, soul and spirit will always welcome us back with open arms at any moment. All we have to do is be willing to be forgiven.

The truth is, I have wanted to be loved all my life. I’ve wanted to be respected and honoured in every way. I wanted to be known for my morals, my integrity and my truth. Only, I haven’t really known what any of that is for some time now. Each time I broke up with myself I extinguished more and more of my inner fire. The voice that originally gave life to this woman you see / read about. We haven’t spoken in so long and I am sad to say that I don’t really remember the name she had given herself.

The most beautiful (and ironic thing) is that she came looking for me as of late. She found me yesterday and wanted to talk. I was very surprised at the visit – especially considering that after all we’d been through, after all I had done, she still wanted to make amends and try again. After a very long and intense “heart to heart”, I realized that the love she had for me once has always remained. That if anything, it has grown with each hurtful thing I had done to us over the years. I was stunned. I had no words, only a deep/overwhelming feeling of peace. I told her that I still loved her too – with all my heart. I admitted that I had never stopped loving her, I just felt too ashamed to express it after all I have done. She had this glow about her. A beaming light – and without a word, I knew she was really happy to hear that I loved her back after all this time.

After a much deserved “catch up” with myself, it was evident that we not only still loved one another, but that we wanted to try again to salvage our relationship. So, we are back together once again. It feels pretty amazing! We both know that it will be a “work in progress” type of journey, but we are willing to make that commitment to us. I told her (with some hesitation) that I cannot promise I will never try to stray again and that it will take time to stop feeling bad/responsible for all that’s happened between us. I asked her to forgive me and she replied: “ That has been your problem all along. You always want and feel the need to be forgiven by others, but the only forgiveness that sometimes matters is the one you can give to yourself. Are you ready to forgive yourself?” I swallowed hard at that, but she was right. I’ve always been so busy asking others for forgiveness that I never realized that the most important forgiveness was to come from me of myself. Huh.. Funny how life can teach you the most incredible things.

In honour of my rekindled relationship with myself, I dedicate this song to my rebirth:

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Support In The Journey

It’s incredible how crazy and unpredictable life can be sometimes. In the same breath it can be both beautiful and evil all at once.

Yet whatever it is, we must always be glad and grateful to be here. Yes, at times we are tested (beyond measure) but I find that it is within those times that true beauty emerges. That is, if you choose to see it.

I find myself in the middle of another one of life’s roller-coasters once again. I believe I’ve been on this ride before, but somehow this time, the “loop di loops” and rising hills seem more frequent. It’s been a trying journey thus far, but however difficult this road is, it reaffirmed something I had forgotten. That is, the love, support and kindness of strangers.

I have always been blessed with having a great support system in my life. It’s so important to know that you have people who love you and are in your corner, when dealing with life’s challenges. However, it is incredibly touching when you see this kindness or gesture in those you don’t really know.

Since my brief announcement regarding my hiatus from my career due to some personal journeys I need to attend to, I cannot tell you how overwhelmed I was to see such an out-pour of concern by you, my fans. All the emails (both on my site, Face Book and Twitter) have been so touching. I cannot tell you how much it has affected me. To know that a mere girl ( a nobody) who loves to write, could move something within all of you, to the point of concern, is so humbling. All the words I could muster up would never be able to project how all your thoughts have made me feel. It’s amazing how something like words in an email ( or a simple quote) can stir the spirit and can give someone power to face even the darkest of days. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much to all of you who have reached out to me (in some form or fashion) to say hello and send me your positive vibes and well wishes. They have truly meant the world to me.

I know that you are all curious as to why I had to leave or what I am going through, but it is not something that I feel I can discuss for the moment. In time, once out of the darkness, I may feel differently. I have been and always will be a person who always shares her experiences with the world because I think it’s important to do so. After all as human beings, if your journey can help someone else following a similar fate, isn’t it our job to guide and support them? I think so. Yet, sometimes, while in the midst of the roads we are on, they are not always easily explained/shared. This is where I am at for the moment.
At this point in my journey, I cannot say when I will be back in full rains of LIFE AFX again.  What I am facing will take time - as does anything life-altering.  I will continue to do some writing on days when I feel strong enough to do so, but I need this time to make myself whole again (in every way) so that I can be who I’ve been for you…whatever that was! Nevertheless, always know that I am near.

I truly hope you are all enjoying your lives/summers and adventures in every way!!! See you all soon!

*A very special thank you to my two Assistants, who have taken time out of their lives, to make sure that LIFE AFX stays on track and in touch with all of you – on a daily basis. They are the individuals you see/hear on FACE BOOK, TWITTER and my website, bringing you my words/thoughts and rants, on my behalf. There are some days when I do pop on to Tweet, but for the most part you are engaging with them. So thank you to Alessandro and Anthony for all that they do for me and for LIFE AFX every day. Without you, I would truly be forgotten. *