Friday, September 27, 2013


The last few days it feels as though, I've been hanging on by a moment. Only those who truly know me can attest to this.

You know, it's funny. Life can really try your spirit, until you truly feel like you have nothing left of yourself to give.  There are moments.. events that occur where you can literally feel the life being sucked out from the inner most part of you.  You are utterly broken; falling into a blackness and no matter how hard you fight, you cannot stop yourself from reaching the bottom.  Then, in a moment of complete darkness there is a calm in a moment silence.   Then, you hear something.  The loudest voice from a place unknown. What it tells you in that moment could be your only salvation IF you choose to listen.

Tonight, that voice told me to search for meaning.  To search for inspiration.  That if I truly looked for it, I’d find an answer easily.  It seemed incredibly preposterous, but I was so defeated within my own mind that even the most impossible of things would have seemed possible to me.

(Another peculiar thing about the human psyche.  It takes a human being to be at their lowest point to truly become humble enough to see/hear God’s favor.  At that point, all you have left is your faith.  My deepest sympathies to those of you who have no faith in anything.  In which case the darkness could be ever-lasting )

I found myself on YouTube and that is where I met, Zach Sobiech.   He was waiting for me, to tell me a story.  His story. 

After my life was introduced to his (for a brief, beautiful moment in time) I began to cry so uncontrollably. It was then that I heard the voice (from within) again. It said:

"An illness can only consume your body and sadly you may not be able to have any control over that but, what you do have control over is not allowing the illness to consume your spirit. It and your heart are yours eternally.”

Something I've always known but never really wanted to understand until tonight; after meeting this man.

I truly believe with all my heart that somehow he was sent to me, in my moment of darkness, to give me some peace and show me some light.  Not just any light, but my light.  I’m not saying that everything will be easier now, but it’s given me some true divine insight. 

Z A C H  S O B I E C H

I knew absolutely nothing about you (or your life story) before this night.  But, thank you for finding me somehow just the same.  Now, I will never forget you and whenever the darkness of my illness comes to visit (as it always does) you will now be the light that shines through – bringing promise and life to my silence.

May God always bless and keep you (his Angel) in his light.  May your family, friends and all of us who have come to be touched by your life always feel your warmth… however “UP UP UP in the clouds” you are

 I think it’s time all of you met him too …

Friday, September 13, 2013


Can you see candles from Heaven
Is what I've often wondered.
The roar of burning flames
Ignited by love, longing and pain
So powerful, like thunder
Here for barley 20 years
Gone now for 20 more
And each time I think of you
I can still feel your warmth to my very core
I never wanted a world without you,
But God said it was to be.
So now, I'm left here alone,
Lighting candles so you'll remember me.
There are times when life grants me peace
And I think of you a little less.
But it's only for a day or two
Until my heart pronounces your name again
And my mind is once more a mess.
Flooded with beautiful memories of when my life was yours
To a time when I was truly happy
And every day brought something special
Something new.
So I will continue to light candles for you to see from Heaven.
In hopes that you remember the girl you left behind so long ago
And know that with every glowing light
You see how much she still loves you so...
****I love you Nael (Nick) Ayoub... forever!
You were taken from my world, 21 years ago today...and I have missed you with all my heart since.
My one and truest love..
I hate this day so much.... so, so much!!! ****

Monday, September 2, 2013


In light of my last few "Dating 101" articles, posted on my website, many of you wrote in asking:

"If a guy wanted to date me, what would he have to know?"

I think this list could easily be "forever growing".  I find that as you grow up, the things that you thought may have been important in the past can easily mean little or nothing today.

I used to think that I wanted someone who was exactly like me.  Someone who liked all the same things as I did - so we'd have much in common.  Truth be told, I don't really feel like that anymore.  If similarities are there, great.  Otherwise, I think it would be much more fun to find someone who is somewhat different than who I am.  Exploring their dreams and likes could be fun and who knows, I may find something else that I love too - and didn't know it!

I want to know that someone is looking out for me.  That they can be my strength. I'm used to being a man's "Florence Nightingale" Giving them purpose and all the answers to their lives, but no one's ever stopped to give back.  That's been something that has always made me sad.  I'd like to have a man who brings to my life without asking, for a change.  Sounds simple enough, right? 

I don't want to be with someone that I feel like I am constantly trying to fight for their attention.  But rather, I want someone who will know that I deserve the best man they can be for me, simply because I should be shown nothing less than everything.

I really want an old fashioned kind of love.  Meaning, something more than just jumping into bed whenever time and lustful thoughts permit.  I want a man who tries so hard to kiss my hand and hold it up to his heart.  Cherishing moments of just sitting across from one another and not being able to stop smiling at one another. 

Longing for the day to be looked at by a man like he just saw every purpose of his life, flash before his very eyes in mine.  Like everything just clicked and now makes sense.  As if every other moment had to end, so ours could begin.

I know.. I know... I dream to much!  But it's what I want, so who is anyone to say that it can't happen, huh?  After all, am I not the author of the book about my life?