FALLING IN LOVE.. I CANNOT!

Whenever I’ve tried It’s always felt like I had one foot on ice
And the other in mid step.  Unbalanced and scary.
Every time I try to love someone I hold my breath and try to believe that this time will be different.
I try to look at you with different eyes, the way I used to be… the way I used to love
Like the girl that I was, when I was 18

A time when there were no walls or fallen empires
When the mirrors were smooth and clean, bestowing a reflection of purity, rather than the tainted reflections of today.
Now, all I see are shattered pieces of glass, that hold me like a wicked echo to a painful past.
You say that you can change that.  Re-write my love song. But I’ve heard those lyrics before.

I’m not the easiest person to love and I never will be.
And I fear that once you realize that, you won’t be here tomorrow. 
Stealing whatever I have left as you leave in the dead of the night.  So this is how my heart stays one step ahead of the tide
For all these reasons I don’t want to fall in love.  So your waves won’t crash around me when you go
I can’t live within shadows anymore.  I long for the light.
There could be a time when I fall weak and believe what your eyes might say.
That you could teach me how to be loved in a different way.

I wish I could count how many times I’ve gotten caught up in that gaze.
That daze of promises, of wine and roses and been swept away. Such a sweet escape
Then one day, I had to watch it all slip away like running water from my hands
At times, I feel like I can give myself just one more second chance?
But, there have been thousands already taken.
For you see, putting my trust and faith in love has only hurt me.
Yet, you say that you will be here, if only I’d let you. I try… but I am and will always be afraid

Of falling…falling in love..

 

Ode To A "Mommy To Be"

Dearest Melisa,

In a few short days you will be joining an incredible legacy line - Motherhood. 

For the life of me, I truly don't  know where the time has gone.  The days of school books and first loves seem like a lifetime away.  If I close my eyes tight enough I could swear that we are still back there.  How far we both have come and who would even recognize those girls we once were anymore.

There are so many things that I have wanted to say to you, throughout the course of your pregnancy.  But, it's never felt like the right time, until tonight.  Although most of these thoughts are private ones, I share them with you here because the world deserves to know just how truly special a Mommy I believe you are going to be.  So I not only share these words with you, but with the universe, and all those who dwell within it.

Fear not about the future, for it will be a great one.  How do I know?  Because I know you, the way I know myself.  You are one of the most incredible women that I have ever know in my life.  The inward strength that you possess is nothing short of astounding.  And that heart..well, it's as pure and full of love as they come. 

I heard a story once, that before a baby is born it chooses who its parents will be.  I've always believed that to be true.  I know it's been a scary and insecure ride and that you've questioned a lot throughout this time but, you're going to do great!  Your baby already knows you and of all the Mommies in this world, they choose you.  So, how could they be wrong?

This baby is going to teach you so much.  How to be calm and at peace in the moment.  Something we sadly know too little about.  How to reflect and feel such love over the mere brush of a soft cheek or the squeeze of a tiny hand around your finger.  Life will soon feel more precious than it's ever been to you and it's all because of this new moment that is upon you. 

I know it all seems overwhelming, like a whirlwind of moments happening simultaneously around you and not feeling ready for any of it but, you will.  Soon that feeling will be replaced with an unexplainable peace and somehow, you will know what to do in every moment of this child's life. 

Have faith in the person you are.  In the mind that you dwell in.  In the heart, soul and spirit that carry you forward from every experience - for they are spectacular pieces that make up the woman you are.  I know you feel at times that you are over sensitive, too emotional and anxious about life.  I too am guilty of being all those things.  And I think we've looked at it all wrong for so long.  Maybe.. perhaps we are the lucky ones because we love hard and out loud - always, in everything we do.  We feel every bit of every emotion that God has given us the privilege to experience, every day.  So be it.  I mean, isn't that how you should live life anyway?  With undeniable feeling?  What we may have called flaws in the past could very well have been a blessing all along.  We just didn't know it.  Now, you get to teach your child to live and love this way - with such passion, just as you do.

It's almost time, Bellz.  Almost time.  I can feel it. 

I am truly proud of you in every way.  I am both honored and privileged to have the opportunity to not only share this moment with you, but to walk along side you, all the days of our lives.  You are not just a best friend, you're my family.  My insides.  We share breaths, moments and energy that at times only we can understand.

You are going to make one hell of a mom, just wait and see.  Never underestimate the incredible woman you are and all the wonderful gifts that you have to give.  When it gets a little crazy (and let's face it, it will) always know that among the long list of people who love and care to make this journey the best one for you, I am always here for you too.  I don't claim to have any kind of wisdom in this area but I'm looking forward to learning, right along side of you.

**To the little one inside... I cannot wait to see you.  To stare at you, while you stare back at me. Your 5 little fingers and 5 little toes.  You sweet Rosy cheeks and red, red lips. Your incredible baby smell and the peaceful face you make when you sleep.  I cannot wait for any of it.  Take your time and come healthy and happy.  Know that you have so many of us waiting to love you and welcome you into our lives.  All I ask is that you take it easy on Mommy while you're on your way to us.  She's excited but a little frightened of the unknown.  Ease her mind and let her know, in a way that only you can, that you love her so much and all will be well...from the inside -out.  See you soon, little one.**

It's almost time.  Are you ready, Bellz? 

My deepest love, always...