Sunday, November 20, 2011

Love Bites - Tribute To The Ex

                                          


Throughout the ages many people have written about love.  If you're an artist such as myself even more so.  You live it, breath it and dream it all the time-which makes for great songwriting and poetry. 

For me, it's truly the one thing that I believe I will never understand in this life.  Perhaps because we all have our own ideas of what it is and should be like.  Expectations of how it will be in our lives.  So, I suppose there lies the first mistake.  Expectations lead to possible failures, which then bring life to disappointments.  Yet, if we do not have expectations there are no limits (i think) to which you allow yourself to be hurt.  So either way, you're utterly screwed.

I am certainly one of those people who have a "love expectation".  Dare I say that it's a pure and utter addiction for me.  The high I get from it can surpass the level of any possible drug available.  I know what it should feel like, look like and be like.  More importantly, I know exactly how the other person and I should react /connect with one another.  Yet, I sit with more "broken heart badges" on my sleeve than any real "love accomplishments".  Then comes the other side to being addicted to love:  Falling out of it.  When you're in it, the highs are really high.  However, when you come off of it, the lows are bad.

So why on earth am I "falling in love" or just generally falling for all the wrong kind of guys?
I swear to God if there is loser within a 100 mile radius, I will find him!!!!

Those who know me know the war I have going on with love.  It's insane.  My friends call it:  "The Nightingale Syndrome"  Find a man with a sob story or down on his luck and I will rescue him.  It's as if I look for the broken ones-or dare I say, they look for me.  Apparently, I nurture people quite well, so they become drawn to it.  Yes, I do have a very loving/giving nature to me, but when was that considered a bad thing?  Was I the only one that didn't get the memo???? So it's become painfully clear that this "wearing your heart on your sleeve" thing is definitely a magnet and invitation for all the deadbeats of the land to come and cling to.  I dunno, I will never understand how people can use others like that.  Take all they can and just leave you there -dry and empty.  You give, they take and you never get in return.  Oh, no..wait!  You do.  You do get things in return.  If you're really lucky, you get to receive gifts like:  low self-esteem/worth.  Hallow pains deep within your chest, where you heart once was.  Feelings of doubt and incredible stupidity about the person you are or have become, simply because you allowed someone to make you feel that way.  Are we to blame?  I think so, or at least to an extent.  However, I'd like to think that the other party can play a magnificent role in your "self-destructiveness" also.  Yes, there is being naive or being just plain dumb for missing the signs that arise in "wrongful love sagas" but some people...well they are just really great pretenders and you won't even see them coming.

Let's take my ex-guy for a moment, shall we?  Came into my life a little over 4 years ago.  Took my heart, used my money when times got rough and the recession took his job. Brought him to live with me when things really got bad and he couldn't afford his own place to live anymore. Took all the love, support and generosity that was bestowed upon him by my family, all my friends and of course, myself and devoured it every chance he got.  He allowed us to all think/believe that he was this "stand up guy" who was a very kind, modest, humble and loving individual.  Banked on the fact that we had connections within society and helped him find not one but two really great career opportunities (that would never have been made possible without us) He even helped himself to my car during the last 6 months of our relationship because his was demolished in a car crash.  Now, I know what you're thinking.  This is a very selfish list.  Here I am going on about the things he took from me and leaving no mention of the things he gave me.  Absolutely right!  So allow me to tell you what he gave.

He gave me the gift of knowing first hand what it felt like to live with someone who led two completely different lives:  Relationship Guy and Cheater Guy.  See I was very lucky.  Some girls only get one guy when involved in a relationship but I had two.  Two for the price of one.  That's a bargain anywhere!! Relationship guy wanted to get married and have children someday (although he was continuously struggling with that opinion), while Cheater guy used online chats, web cams, emails, personal ads, lies (and Lord only knows what else) to get his fill of everything he really wanted.  All the while, I was at work trying to make a buck so that I could support us during this difficult time. The whole time actually believing that he was at home, spending his days looking for work.  After months of continual debt and denial we broke up on the grounds of many things. Mainly because he couldn't bare to tell me the truth about all his secrets and I couldn't tell him the truth about  knowing them all-without any need for his confessions.  Till this day, I find it fascinating that he honestly thought I was THAT stupid and didn't know all that he did behind my back/when I was away.  Hmm.. Little did I know that there was still more to come.

It's been about 10 months now since our break up and the lies continue.  Only this time, I am lucky enough not to be the recipient of them.  Now he has deemed a couple of other women as "his loves".  The funny part...they each think that they are "the only one".  It's quite commical.  He tells them both a similar tale, that he has been single for the past 4 years because his divorce was quite traumatic and he has had very little time to give of himself in a new relationship-until now.  That he has spent the last 4 horrible years of his life alone, trying to find someone who will be there for him, nurture him and love him, so that he won't be all alone in this world any longer.  "Huh" Imagine that!  Not only did he take with all his might for the past 4 years, he has the audacity to deny me and all the others who helped him stand.   Like I said, I truly know how to pick them, folks!  The real class acts of society.  If anyone should be erasing the past 4 years it should be me.  Yet, apparently he feels like he was the one short changed!  Incredible!

So why is it that we allow ourselves to become these pathetic creatures, after love has gone terribly wrong?  I mean we are all intelligent people right?  We, ourselves know more than anyone else, exactly what's best for us.  We know when things are just not right-especially when it comes to love.  I know I should, because I have the expectations of how I want to feel and be treated by another that I am in love with.  So why?  Why do I let it happen, again and again?  We do any of us?  How is it that intelligent people become utterly stupid when in love?  It's beyond me.

To think..I actually mourned this loss for almost an entire year, blaming myself for most of it. Glad that's over! Now, I'm feeling great and well I must pay tribute where it's due.  It's all because of him, my ex-guy.  I never realized just how incredible and extraordinary I actually was until he left my life.  I may not have found "the right" love, but I know a little more about myself because I loved him.  I now love myself more because he didn't love me enough.  And someday..someday, I'll get it right.  For now, it's my time to make Gia spectacular.

* To my ex-guy, these songs are for you*


8 comments:

  1. "I Read Your Blog... And I am extremely sorry that you had to experience those emotions... no girl should ever go through that, especially when they give with their heart in a relationship.

    May I add that in my life time... I have heard of this scenerio so many times ... you are not alone ... but you are smart enough to get out of it.... some stay and even marry them because their self esteem has been brought to 0 !!

    On a positive note : This has made you stronger... has made you realize that that was Not Love... and you do know what "Falling In Love" really should feel like... but unfortunate you had an "Idiot" that has no Soul and is so Empty inside... Karma will find him !! :)

    You now know what to watch out for.... all those signs are so commen amongst those type of "boys"

    Women that read your blog hopefully will learn from it and Get Out of their current relationship if the signs are the same...

    BeLiEvE in Yourself... Find That Inner Peace... Know That You Are A Very Special Person With A Loving Soul and That That One Man One Day, Will Be Very Fortunate !!

    Love Love

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  2. "I am sorry that you had to deal with an idiot .... but Karma will hit him in the face for what he has done to you. Your a wonderful and talented person Gia :) * Hugs *"

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  3. "Holy crap blog girl!!! Wow!

    Your right..we ALL believed it.

    Well...I for one know, that all these "bad ones" are tests, and stepping stones leading towards the one that God has saved for you. He's out there, never doubt His plan. Lord knows how many I went through before finding Alex. Keep the faith. One day, the reason for all your trials will be revealed.

    Never loss faith! Love you girl!

    As lance armstrong would say..."Live strong". LoL! Kisses!"

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  4. Dear Gia,

    Thank you for sharing......just remember one thing "KARMA'S" A "BITCH" what goes around comes around. I was once in the same situation, It was a nightmare!! OMG! This idiot led me 2 believe all his BS..untill one day i woke up.

    Love you xoxo"

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  5. Its about you GIA, be true to yourself....only the best will do and only you know what that is. LOVE Gia First and everything else will fall into place, as it should :)

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  6. Gia,

    I know how hard it must be to continuosly share yourself with all of us. It cannot be easy to go through all it is you have and not feel some pain within your heart. Always know that your public/fans are here for you. We may not share your life personally but know that we damn well do in so many ways and that we care a lot about you.

    A year ago, we had no idea who you were. A year later I know I speak for everyone here when I say that we cannot live without you. I dunno how the fuck we have gone without you this long.. LOL!

    Never stop being you because it resonates in all of us. You are so incredible that I cannot sit here and possibly describe to you how much. So never stop believing in yourself, in your dreams and in your heart. You are utterly priceless in every way.

    This duche bag clearly didn't get that memo! Thank God you are rid of him. Seems to me like he's the one that needs cleansing. The holy water kind of cleansing at that! His day will come, if it hasn't already. Who knows, maybe it already has and that is why he treats women so poorly. Who knows. That my dear queen is not for you to worry about. He (as we all do) will have to answer to his God someday.

    Like that Pitbull song you added to the bottom of your blog piece: Don't stress these clowns. You're a queen! You're independant and you're winning now. Won't it be sad for him in the future when you're famous?? Poor fuck! I'd hate to be him when your name and words are a common household thing and he's gotta hear/see that beautiful face and your words every day for the rest of his life-knowing that he had you. LOL! Ya, that's gonna be a mutha fucka someday! Just keep dreaming of that! That should get you through the tough times.

    We love you Gia. Thank you for always being "just you" with all of us!!!!

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  7. I cried when I read this. I wanna take a piece of it and post it on my facebook status.

    I hated they way he treated you, especially the cheating part and all the lies he told you and where he found his "ya-ya's!" It is just so sad and very depressing. :'(

    I still can't stop thinking what larry did to me and we never dated. He was just a pig and he used me and I cared about him very deeply.

    The things you wrote in your blog reminded me of him and all the things I TRULY HATE about him!!!

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  8. You got that right, Maria! I've been through the exact same thing, except I didn't marry my ex, I was smart enough to see he was an idiot, he now is married to someone else but meh the karma shall hit him.

    That's when I'll be sitting back laughing saying thank God I got out before it was too late... :)"

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