Sunday, November 20, 2011
Love Bites - Tribute To The Ex
Throughout the ages many people have written about love. If you're an artist such as myself even more so. You live it, breath it and dream it all the time-which makes for great songwriting and poetry.
For me, it's truly the one thing that I believe I will never understand in this life. Perhaps because we all have our own ideas of what it is and should be like. Expectations of how it will be in our lives. So, I suppose there lies the first mistake. Expectations lead to possible failures, which then bring life to disappointments. Yet, if we do not have expectations there are no limits (i think) to which you allow yourself to be hurt. So either way, you're utterly screwed.
I am certainly one of those people who have a "love expectation". Dare I say that it's a pure and utter addiction for me. The high I get from it can surpass the level of any possible drug available. I know what it should feel like, look like and be like. More importantly, I know exactly how the other person and I should react /connect with one another. Yet, I sit with more "broken heart badges" on my sleeve than any real "love accomplishments". Then comes the other side to being addicted to love: Falling out of it. When you're in it, the highs are really high. However, when you come off of it, the lows are bad.
So why on earth am I "falling in love" or just generally falling for all the wrong kind of guys?
I swear to God if there is loser within a 100 mile radius, I will find him!!!!
Those who know me know the war I have going on with love. It's insane. My friends call it: "The Nightingale Syndrome" Find a man with a sob story or down on his luck and I will rescue him. It's as if I look for the broken ones-or dare I say, they look for me. Apparently, I nurture people quite well, so they become drawn to it. Yes, I do have a very loving/giving nature to me, but when was that considered a bad thing? Was I the only one that didn't get the memo???? So it's become painfully clear that this "wearing your heart on your sleeve" thing is definitely a magnet and invitation for all the deadbeats of the land to come and cling to. I dunno, I will never understand how people can use others like that. Take all they can and just leave you there -dry and empty. You give, they take and you never get in return. Oh, no..wait! You do. You do get things in return. If you're really lucky, you get to receive gifts like: low self-esteem/worth. Hallow pains deep within your chest, where you heart once was. Feelings of doubt and incredible stupidity about the person you are or have become, simply because you allowed someone to make you feel that way. Are we to blame? I think so, or at least to an extent. However, I'd like to think that the other party can play a magnificent role in your "self-destructiveness" also. Yes, there is being naive or being just plain dumb for missing the signs that arise in "wrongful love sagas" but some people...well they are just really great pretenders and you won't even see them coming.
Let's take my ex-guy for a moment, shall we? Came into my life a little over 4 years ago. Took my heart, used my money when times got rough and the recession took his job. Brought him to live with me when things really got bad and he couldn't afford his own place to live anymore. Took all the love, support and generosity that was bestowed upon him by my family, all my friends and of course, myself and devoured it every chance he got. He allowed us to all think/believe that he was this "stand up guy" who was a very kind, modest, humble and loving individual. Banked on the fact that we had connections within society and helped him find not one but two really great career opportunities (that would never have been made possible without us) He even helped himself to my car during the last 6 months of our relationship because his was demolished in a car crash. Now, I know what you're thinking. This is a very selfish list. Here I am going on about the things he took from me and leaving no mention of the things he gave me. Absolutely right! So allow me to tell you what he gave.
He gave me the gift of knowing first hand what it felt like to live with someone who led two completely different lives: Relationship Guy and Cheater Guy. See I was very lucky. Some girls only get one guy when involved in a relationship but I had two. Two for the price of one. That's a bargain anywhere!! Relationship guy wanted to get married and have children someday (although he was continuously struggling with that opinion), while Cheater guy used online chats, web cams, emails, personal ads, lies (and Lord only knows what else) to get his fill of everything he really wanted. All the while, I was at work trying to make a buck so that I could support us during this difficult time. The whole time actually believing that he was at home, spending his days looking for work. After months of continual debt and denial we broke up on the grounds of many things. Mainly because he couldn't bare to tell me the truth about all his secrets and I couldn't tell him the truth about knowing them all-without any need for his confessions. Till this day, I find it fascinating that he honestly thought I was THAT stupid and didn't know all that he did behind my back/when I was away. Hmm.. Little did I know that there was still more to come.
It's been about 10 months now since our break up and the lies continue. Only this time, I am lucky enough not to be the recipient of them. Now he has deemed a couple of other women as "his loves". The funny part...they each think that they are "the only one". It's quite commical. He tells them both a similar tale, that he has been single for the past 4 years because his divorce was quite traumatic and he has had very little time to give of himself in a new relationship-until now. That he has spent the last 4 horrible years of his life alone, trying to find someone who will be there for him, nurture him and love him, so that he won't be all alone in this world any longer. "Huh" Imagine that! Not only did he take with all his might for the past 4 years, he has the audacity to deny me and all the others who helped him stand. Like I said, I truly know how to pick them, folks! The real class acts of society. If anyone should be erasing the past 4 years it should be me. Yet, apparently he feels like he was the one short changed! Incredible!
So why is it that we allow ourselves to become these pathetic creatures, after love has gone terribly wrong? I mean we are all intelligent people right? We, ourselves know more than anyone else, exactly what's best for us. We know when things are just not right-especially when it comes to love. I know I should, because I have the expectations of how I want to feel and be treated by another that I am in love with. So why? Why do I let it happen, again and again? We do any of us? How is it that intelligent people become utterly stupid when in love? It's beyond me.
To think..I actually mourned this loss for almost an entire year, blaming myself for most of it. Glad that's over! Now, I'm feeling great and well I must pay tribute where it's due. It's all because of him, my ex-guy. I never realized just how incredible and extraordinary I actually was until he left my life. I may not have found "the right" love, but I know a little more about myself because I loved him. I now love myself more because he didn't love me enough. And someday..someday, I'll get it right. For now, it's my time to make Gia spectacular.
* To my ex-guy, these songs are for you*