One year ago today, I was diagnosed with having a severe eating addiction, that had manifested itself into an outburst of eating disorders. I was categorized as a “Binge Bulimic” I’ve been living with this illness for a year now and can honestly say that it has taken away my life and health in every way. My life as I once knew it became non-existent almost overnight. Although the road had become incredibly dark and grim, I believe that I can actually begin to see a small gleam of light in this suffocating tunnel.
To say that admitting this to all of you today is frightening would be the understatement of the century. It goes far beyond the depths of any nightmare. Hiding this thing that I’ve been going through has been almost as exhausting as dealing with the illness/disorder itself. I’ve become great at masking and hiding myself away from the world. But then, the life of any addict is just so, isn’t it? You become an expert at masking away your pain from the world and internalizing it as you go along.
For a year now, I’ve asked myself through tears each day “why me?” Why was I chosen for this journey. Most days my body tells my mind that I am not strong enough to get through this. Nevertheless, my heart and spirit are the reasons for my tiny victories, thus far. “One day at a time” is what I hear around me. But, it’s hard to live that way when you have so many dreams and desires to fulfill. Nevertheless, my disorder has brought my life to a standstill and has forced me to do just that. Taking things very slowly, day by day, is all that I can handle for the moment.
Why am I choosing to come out with this now? Is a question I have asked myself a thousand times as I write this. The answer is simply: “I don’t know!” Perhaps I’m tired of living in the shadows of it all. Maybe it’s because I’m mentally, physically and emotionally drained from trying to pretend that nothing is wrong. Or it could be because I’m learning to accept the things I cannot change and showing courage and desire to change. It is for all of these reasons and so many more. Mainly, it’s because I pray that someone that is going through a similar cycle will read this and be able to change her fate, before it becomes similar to mine. That would truly be a great honour.
I have learned many, many lessons during this phase of my life. Ones that I don’t believe I could have learned if this disorder was not a part of me. Therefore, I can say that I embrace and accept all that is happening within me and ask for God’s guidance in giving me peace and strength to overcome all that I must, in order to come back to the true essence of who I was. The person that he created me to be.
I am also fortunate enough (as one writer put it) “to realize that my judgment about my body is the cultural lie, social conditioning left over from being raised in a society that taught me that there is a boiler plate standard for what it means to be “good enough” as a woman in this world. I also realized that the deepest part of me absolutely knows that this is a pile of B.S.”
The lesson that I am trying to take away from all this is “trying to be ‘perfect’ at love, be it self-love or body-love, is as unrealistic and as stressful as trying to be ‘perfect’ in our bodies themselves. I choose to ignore the thoughts that I know aren’t kind, and align with the thoughts that are kind and quite frankly, feel better. That is my daily commitment. And the biggest lesson of all is that that is enough.”
Thank- you all for listening. For this tale was not an easy one to tell.
But, it’s time to move on from this dark place back into the light – and try to gain my life back in every way.
***If you or anyone you know is suffereing from an eating disorder - or believe that you know someone may be developing one please contact your local crisis centre today.***
