Friday, July 26, 2013


If you want a perfect girl..

One year ago today, I was diagnosed with having a severe eating addiction, that had manifested itself into an outburst of eating disorders. I was categorized as a “Binge Bulimic” I’ve been living with this illness for a year now and can honestly say that it has taken away my life and health in every way. My life as I once knew it became non-existent almost overnight. Although the road had become incredibly dark and grim, I believe that I can actually begin to see a small gleam of light in this suffocating tunnel.

To say that admitting this to all of you today is frightening would be the understatement of the century. It goes far beyond the depths of any nightmare. Hiding this thing that I’ve been going through has been almost as exhausting as dealing with the illness/disorder itself. I’ve become great at masking and hiding myself away from the world. But then, the life of any addict is just so, isn’t it? You become an expert at masking away your pain from the world and internalizing it as you go along.

For a year now, I’ve asked myself through tears each day “why me?” Why was I chosen for this journey. Most days my body tells my mind that I am not strong enough to get through this. Nevertheless, my heart and spirit are the reasons for my tiny victories, thus far. “One day at a time” is what I hear around me. But, it’s hard to live that way when you have so many dreams and desires to fulfill. Nevertheless, my disorder has brought my life to a standstill and has forced me to do just that. Taking things very slowly, day by day, is all that I can handle for the moment.

Why am I choosing to come out with this now? Is a question I have asked myself a thousand times as I write this. The answer is simply: “I don’t know!” Perhaps I’m tired of living in the shadows of it all. Maybe it’s because I’m mentally, physically and emotionally drained from trying to pretend that nothing is wrong. Or it could be because I’m learning to accept the things I cannot change and showing courage and desire to change. It is for all of these reasons and so many more. Mainly, it’s because I pray that someone that is going through a similar cycle will read this and be able to change her fate, before it becomes similar to mine. That would truly be a great honour.

I have learned many, many lessons during this phase of my life. Ones that I don’t believe I could have learned if this disorder was not a part of me. Therefore, I can say that I embrace and accept all that is happening within me and ask for God’s guidance in giving me peace and strength to overcome all that I must, in order to come back to the true essence of who I was. The person that he created me to be.

I am also fortunate enough (as one writer put it) “to realize that my judgment about my body is the cultural lie, social conditioning left over from being raised in a society that taught me that there is a boiler plate standard for what it means to be “good enough” as a woman in this world. I also realized that the deepest part of me absolutely knows that this is a pile of B.S.”

The lesson that I am trying to take away from all this is “trying to be ‘perfect’ at love, be it self-love or body-love, is as unrealistic and as stressful as trying to be ‘perfect’ in our bodies themselves. I choose to ignore the thoughts that I know aren’t kind, and align with the thoughts that are kind and quite frankly, feel better. That is my daily commitment. And the biggest lesson of all is that that is enough.”

Thank- you all for listening. For this tale was not an easy one to tell.

But, it’s time to move on from this dark place back into the light – and try to gain my life back in every way.

***If you or anyone you know is suffereing from an eating disorder - or believe that you know someone may be developing one please contact your local crisis centre today.***


  1. Gia...I applaud you for being strong and coming out with you said it couldn't have been easy but you must honestly feel like you took a weight off your shoulder now that you can share your story with us...I've known you from a little girl...and till this day when I think of you...I think of that beautiful, bubbly, happy, smiley little girl that would light up the room and fill the room with laughter (that we sometimes got in trouble for for being tooo loud lol) and I know many many people including myself still see you that way because you need to understand that you still are that wonderful person and you still and always will have sooo much to are so kind hearted, and a warm loving person with so much to offer and thats what you should see before anything are sooo beautiful inside and out!! Your addiction can be dealt with one day at a time, if you fail one day, get up and do it again...never give up on yourself, we are not giving up on have lot's to offer and you give others lot's of comfort at their times of trouble and you are so damn good at it....we need you!!! I'm sure you've touched many lives and will be a GREAT inspiration to many...(you are to me!) and I know many would agree....if we can hit a like button....numbers would be flying off the board!!Sooo, hang in there, one day at a time, you have a wonderful future ahead of you, lot's of support and we are behind you all the ya lots..keep up the good work!

  2. Hi Gia,

    Thank you for posting this. Your bravery and strength in struggling with this and in wanting to help others shows the beauty of your character.
    It is wonderful to hear that you are taking the first small steps back into the light and are slowly but surely fighting this.

    We love you GIA!
    Thank you for your strength and your writing!

  3. Gia,

    What an illuminating soul you are. This past year must have been incredibly difficult. Lord only knows how much pain you're in, on a daily basis.

    I want you to know that you have absolutely done the right thing by coming out to the world about your disease. Because of you, my sister and brother were able to gather the rest if our family and assemble an intervention for my cousin.

  4. Hey Gia,

    Thanks for this post and for being brave enough to face your demons and make them seen within our world. It's so important because EVERYONE who reads this and all your going through can take the information and help those in their lives too.

    Perhaps a post with symptoms of examples of your days and what you've endured thus far? That would help the rest of us get others into treatment. Something to think about.

    I'm so very sorry that this world made you ever feel anything less than exquisite. Because you are just that. Such a lovely, lovely soul. I couldn't imagine you never being here. Thank God you are receiving help!!

    Best wishes


  5. I was told about your blog by a friend. I have been batteling Anerexia since I started High School 2 years ago. You're right when you say that it's one of the darkest places ever. I feel like that a lot. Constant exercise, weighing yourself, not eating, then eating too much, then throwing up, diet pills, dizzy spells. Everything............................its too much to go through sometimes. I'm scared to allow myself to get help sometimes because I'm scared to gain all the weight I've lost before. It will kill me.
    But I will talk to my Guidence Counsellor soon. Maybe she can help!

    I love how you write. I wish I could do that. But your words help so much so I just read yours.

    Girl on Fire..

  6. Hi Everyone,

    Thank-you so much for all your posts and personal emails. You have all been very sweet. I appreciate the communication - especially on a piece like this.

    It wasn't easy to come out with, but it was certainly time. If I've helped materialize something for someone out there (in any way) then I'm eternally greatful for allowing myself to voice my demons. God's been by my side only, I don't really understand why.

    I will be posting a more "in-depth" description of the addition battles very soon. Many of you have been privately inquiring about them, so I will do my best to help and share accordingly.

    To "GIRL ON FIRE" in particular: My thoughts and prayers are with you, Girl! You need help and fast. Trust me! We cannot do this alone. I thought I could "handle" it all on my own. I was wrong. SO WRONG! Please message me privately. I'd love to help!

  7. Perfect little girl
    No emotions can she show
    Like a puppet pulled by strings
    No room to grow
    Not a flaw you can see
    But the inner scars are there
    Behind her controlled mask
    Her pain she cannot share
    Just a little girl
    Hidden behind a wall
    She wants to cry
    But no tears can fall
    She must be perfect
    She must be thin
    Fat is failure
    And she must win
    Perfection will lead to death
    Lost in her anorexic mind
    Cannot escape
    She is falling behind

  8. Stepping on the scale
    Praying I lost weight
    The number that the scale tells me
    Determines my fate
    I lost five pounds
    Only twenty more to go
    I promise I'll stop then
    But you don't think so
    Do aerobics at 5:00am
    Then at one and eight
    Desperately trying to get rid of
    This fat body that I hate
    Breakfast I don't eat
    Lunch a piece of bread
    Dinner I'll feed the toilet monster
    Tomorrow's meals I dread
    I ate seven meals this week
    But I didn't keep them down
    Step on the scale again
    I lost ten more pounds
    Counting fat and calories
    In everything I eat
    I can't go over my limit
    This goal I have to meet
    Four hours of aerobics a day
    Won't stop until I fall
    But there is nothing to worry about
    I have control over it all
    I'm sick of people worrying about me
    Thinking that I'll die
    Because everything is under control
    I wish they would not cry
    I reached my goal weight
    But I can lose some more
    My mom is getting terrified
    I don't know what for
    Everything is under control
    Everything is fine
    But everyone I talk to
    They just say I'm lying
    I swear I'm okay
    I really am fine
    But today my doctor told me
    I am slowly dying
    Why doesn't he believe me
    I really am okay
    I really have control
    At least it started out that way


    Her eyes have lost their sparkle
    She stares blankly at me
    The person in front of me
    Mimics my actions
    Where I run my hand over fat
    She runs her hand over bone
    Little patches on her scalp are bald
    From where hair has fallen out
    Her skin in blue-purple-yellowish
    We stare at each other for hours
    Gosh she looks so ill
    That poor girl needs help
    She shows the truth where I show lies
    I say...Look closer
    Do you notice anything unusual
    She stares blankly at me without reply
    You don't look like yourself