Saturday, May 7, 2011
It's been a weird week for me. Weird in the sense that I have had the same unsettling feeling, wash over me repeatedly. Something I cannot shake off or ignore any longer. To say that it's a new feeling would be a lie. I have had this "pinch" if you will, every now and again for a year now. Yet, this week it's been a lot more than a pinch. It's more like a continual shove motion. It begins in my brain and then manifests itself into a tidal wave-rushing through my entire body. It's as if my body is trying to purge itself, or at the very least making it known that it has something to say. It feels like my mind/body and soul have had a secret board meeting and the memo has JUST been released. "THE CALLING HAS COME" The director in all of this is my soul -and I just realised it. It's been trying to get my attention for months, but I haven't truly been in touch.
I know most of you at this point are thinking: "what on earth is this girl babbling on about, at this hour of the morning?" Well, read on.
Have you ever just wondered why you are here? I mean really thought about it. I think we all have at one time or another in our lives. We're human beings, it's the nature of the beast to wonder as much. However, what I mean is truly trying to find out. I for one, have asked this question a trillion time. In my darkest hours, I've sat in the dark, crying by moonlight. Rocking myself back and forth shouting out to the heavens: " Why have you put me here? Why have you left me here without instruction? I don't know why I was created? God, please help me find my way".
I have never been one who has believed in any religion fully, yet I know God exists. I know this because I fear him and love him,all in the same breath. I know there's something to this "after life stuff" because the woman and man that I have loved more than any other (taken from me and this life years ago) still come to me in dreams to guide me, and I know that he allows it. So I believe in God, I believe in Guardian Angels and in a heaven. Naturally, I would believe that we all have- a purpose. A reason for being here- a calling.
I think I was told the answer to this so long ago, and a million times in between. I've felt it before, kind of. However, I wasn't sure.
Sometimes, there are things that we love (or have deep passion for) for a reason. We may think that it's just simply something that we enjoy or would like to do, but shouldn't mistake it for "the purpose of your existence here" This is all true however; when you feel it from the depths of your soul..it just may in fact be very real.
I think that's what's happened to me all these years. I've loved it, had a passion for it but thought that's all it was. I've been told silly things by others about it before, but simply thought of it as "compliments" and nothing more. This week I had " the awakening"
I had the most stressful week of my life. If I sat here and gave you all the sorted particulars, you would look at me and say: "Gia, you've had worse weeks. This was nothing" I truly cannot argue that fact. Yet, something happened within me. I cannot explain it except to say that all those times I spent in the darkness, yelling at my God-he was now yelling back. You see, I realized (finally) that he was always answering me but I wasn't listening. So I suppose he felt the need to reach me in the only way that I would hear him-though words.
It all began a couple of days ago, when I had an episode at work. I was having the most stressful day of my life (or so it seemed). I was completely done with my present job. I felt as though I was going to scream, cry and run all in the same breath. Yes, I was having a panic attack at work, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Somehow, I managed to ride it all out and finish the day.
As I drove home, I had this rage come out from within me. I was so angry at everything. The job I had, the overwhelming notion of all I had to do in my life to "make things right again", angry thoughts about having to start all over again in this life-because yet another relationship failed me. Financially trying to keep afloat, once again and make ends meet. Wondering what the hell I am doing in this life.
My heart was racing at a speed I have never felt before. I was gripping the steering wheel so hard that my knuckles where dead white. I could feel my heartbeat right up to my brain. I felt like I was going to faint. I wanted to yell, scream and cry at the top of my lungs - but the fear of people thinking I was utterly mad in the cars next to me in traffic stopped me. I immediately thought to myself: " I cannot do this anymore. Why am I doing all of this? I continually make myself unhappy, stressing myself out over things that just don't matter. Over things I don't care about. My job has become just that -another job. My life has become one that I simply exist in, rather than live. My body, rather it being a temple of worship, has become a disability-a prison. How did I get here???
All the while I have "my music" playing in the background. So loud that on a normal day even I would have thought to turn it down, but not today. Today, there were so many voices/things happening from within that I needed to drown that out with something louder. I still wasn't getting it. Again, I just thought I'm stressing out and my body is re-acting with another panic attack. Too stupid to figure out that something more was at work here.
Suddenly, everything began to subside. It was almost instant. My heartbeat became stable again. My head wasn't pounding anymore. My heart wasn't in my throat. I could breath normally again, and didn't feel as faint as I did just a second ago. All I heard for a moment was the music playing on my stereo. More importantly, a verse from a song that was playing. The words were:
"I am looking past the shadows of my mind into the truth and trying to identify the voices in my head. God? Which one's you? Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel alive and break these calluses off me, one more time"
Then I heard the loudest voice, I've ever heard from deep down within me shout out: " You are here to write for me. Not for your job, but for me...for you...for the world to see"
I instantly began to cry. I sat there, in the middle of traffic, completely and utterly stunned. The whole world went away for just a moment. All the noise cleared and one voice -THE VOICE, remained. It was as if, for that moment something higher blocked the entire world so that I could hear only that one thing-that one message. (My fingers shake and my eyes are welling up with tears, as I sit here, writing all of this down for all of you. Re-living every last detail of that day).
So now that I have heard it, I know without a doubt, that this is who I am-a writer. How I believe, I was meant to be. I kind of knew all along, but didn't really listen. Or perhaps, to afraid to hear it (as is the norm with many things in my life).
Now, I have another question: " How do I do it?"
I've tried to get my writing out there. It just doesn't get noticed.
However, now I know that I have to do this somehow, someway. Whatever it takes to make it work, I must try and find a way.
I suppose the strength that will guide me now is knowing that I'm following the right path. The chosen path.
For those of you who are wondering what song I was listening to, please have a listen....