Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Unforgiven

"The dying Lion"

My mind, body and soul are overwhelmed with sorrow and loss. Yet, the person I ache for has not left this world.  I have felt the loss of this loved one most of my life, because due to the prison he calls a body, he has never been able to be a participant within it.  Therefore, my world is filled with pain because his is, and am already trying to prepare my heart for what inevitably follows. There can be no thoughts of relief until  the day when he is free.  Free from the prison he has lived in, all the days of his life. 

I have never before looked at the human body as such an unkind and unforgiving vessel.  Rather, I have always looked at it with an incredible amount of respect and fascination.  However, in this moment, I see it through very different eyes.  It can be most cruel.  People survive most of the calamities of this world:  Wars, natural disasters, loss and heartache.  Yet, the one thing we cannot get away from is the pain the body inflicts on the spirit when it is ill. 

Watching my Grandfather's life slipping away slowly, and all I can do is just that-watch.  Wracking my brain, trying to visit every possible avenue available to make his pain go away, only to have every door shut in my face.  Asking doctors for a life-line that we both know simply doesn't exist for him.  Yet, I continue searching because giving up is not something I am prepared to do.  I feel as if I am fighting against time-his time and perhaps it's coming.  Knowing that God's time always wins out in the end I feel defeated.

I know that there isn't much time, but if I could have just one wish it would be to take his pain upon myself, if only for a moment, so that I could watch him run through the grass and dance with the sun.  With a smile on his face and peace in his eyes.  If only for a moment to enjoy life as it was meant to be lived-in freedom.

"Dearest Nonno, When all is said and done, you are part of me. That's the way it was meant to be. People are brought together for a reason, everything happens for a reason. If someday God decides to take you from me, I trust that there is a reason. Cause if there is a reason for love, there is a reason for life beyond it. I love you Nonno"

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