GETTING OVER THE EX - A DATING 101 EXCLUSIVE

As if dating and finding someone to love isn’t hard enough, you finally found them and they leave you.

I came across a quote somewhere once that read:  “to fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful”.  

So why do we even bother falling in love in the first place when ultimately all we will end up doing (eventually) is mending a broken heart?  Well, as terrible and heart-wrenching as getting over someone can be, we know that living without love is just NOT an option.  We ALL deserve someone incredible to love and spend our lives with.  So, in order for that to happen we’re going to have to get over the fact that in trying to find “the one” it will mean going through some heartache.

For all of you out there going through a break-up, my heart goes out to you.  It’s not an easy thing to go through or get over, so don’t try to rush through it.  It’s not a race.  Don’t dwell on the fact that your BBF, Katie got over her break up in a month, or that your buddy, Bill made Stacey a distant memory in a week-flat.  We are all different.  We all love differently so therefore, we all get over things in different ways.

No matter how you do it, it's always nice to have some advice before going through the trenches.  So, we've designed some tips which are sure to help.  They are all based on a random survey that LIFE AFX conducted with some of the dating singles and married couples in our beautiful city, Toronto, Ontario, Canada. 

HERE ARE 5 TIPS FOR GETTING OVER YOUR EX:

#1 -   TREAT ALL BREAK-UPS LIKE A DEATH

The important thing to remember is that you must “FEEL” every stage of the break-up in order to truly get over it.  So, if you’re feeling really sad one minute and pissed off the next, it’s perfectly natural.  Mending a broken heart is a process and one that takes time.  Just as long as you keep in mind that dead people don't come back to walk among the living.  It's called a BREAK UP because it's BROKEN.  Don't be a gluten for punishment and keep going back to the same toy that can NEVER be mended.  MOVE ON!!!

#2-  REMEMBER ONE THING:  THEY WEREN’T “ALL THAT”

Your Ex was never perfect so, stop acting like they were God’s gift to the earth.  Often, when a break-up happens, we lose sight of all their faults and put them on a pedestal.  Three words here folks:  TAKE THEM DOWN.  She’s just another girl and he’s just a guy.  That’s it!

# 3-  KEEP YOUR DISTANCE AND FORGET THEY EXISTED

It’s normal to feel a sense of loneliness when someone you love leaves you.  So you may be tempted to call them, do a drive by at their home/workplace, keep showing up at their favorite hang-out spots or ask their friends about them.  STOP!  This is only going to cause you MORE pain in the end.  When it’s over, it’s over!  You have to believe that and move on.  Yes, you may think silly things like:  “Maybe we’ll get back together”  “Maybe all they need is some space and time apart to realize that they truly love me” “Maybe we can still be friends”  This may all be very well and good but for now, it’s war and you need to stay alive.  Should destiny see another ending to your love story than so be it.  Let her do the leg work.  YOU.. ARE...OUT!

#4- STOP FEELING INSECURE

Look, it’s not easy to hear negative things.  Especially, when it’s coming from the party who just tore your heart out and stomped on it.  But, don’t give into the hype!  Don’t start believing that you are all they said you were or that you will never find someone new to love.  It’s not true.  You simply were not a good fit but, someday you will find someone that is.  For now, keep busy, positive and surround yourself with people that love you.  The best way to stop these feelings:  Get out there and "just do you" all over town.  No need to stay home, sulk and feel sorry for yourself.  It will only make you feel worse. 

#5 CLOSURE

We all look for this when a relationship ends.  It’s important to know two things here:  #1- There are many different types of closure.  #2 -  You may not always get it.  Sometimes we think that closure must come from the other party but in all honesty, you can also give it to yourself.  Closure can mean refusing to take their calls, to stop hanging out in places you are sure to run into them, throwing away reminders of your time together or simply refusing to waste another minute/tear on them.  However you plan on getting it, just do it and move on.  

Hope this little "cheat sheet" helps you all when going through a break-up.  And, for those of you who find yourselves happily OUT of the dating pool, I have only one thing to say to you:  YOU LUCKY SHIT!! (LOL)

 

It Ain't All That Funny..

I've been avoiding the news and social media altogether, because I don't want to hear about how sad people are right now. I don't want to hear other people's opinions or interpretations of Depression, Anxiety or the mental well-being of an obviously brilliant man. Unless you walk the dark and lonely halls of this disease you cannot possibly begin to understand or fathom what kind of pain and torture everyday life can be like. The helplessness of your thoughts, the stabbing pains in your heart, the haunting voices from deep within that have been taken over by demons- possessing your very soul. Continuously telling you that life is just too much to bare. Too much to possibly live through another waking moment. Making the idea of "forever sleep" seem so peaceful, freeing and inviting. Trust me. You have no idea how we live with it. How on earth could you, unless you do...

A brilliant mind is always tortured. No one ever knows what madness lies beneath our eyelids. That is the craziest thing of it all.

Sometimes, I'm afraid.  Afraid that someday, the same will happen to me. That the voices of my addictions, illness and demons will drown out any Godly voice of reason within my own heart and mind; and win the battle over my existence.  Because truly, anyone who suffers from mental illness can tell you that the question "to be or not to be" is asked of oneself a little more often than we are comfortable with.  And those who claim that they've never contemplated it at least once is nothing but a filthy liar.

Ive always loved you Mr. Robin Williams. Hopefully now there is some sort of peacefulness within the darkness where once only fear and pain existed. There surely will be a lot of laughter in Heaven from now on. R.I.P.

In the words of Hamlet:  

To be, or not to be--that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep--

No more--and by a sleep to say we end

The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep--

To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause. There's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life.

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely

The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office, and the spurns

That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscovered country, from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will,

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprise of great pitch and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry

And lose the name of action. -- Soft you now,

The fair Ophelia! -- Nymph, in thy orisons

Be all my sins remembered...

MID-LIFE GIRL

 

Have you ever thought of women going through a mid-life crisis?

I've heard that men do, usually beginning in or around the age of 45 - 50 but not sure if women experience the same kind of thing.  Women normally await "the change" around the same time but, does it go beyond that? Well, I am certainly going through one.

Last November, I started to feel a little off.  It was right before my 40th birthday to be exact.  I was not at all "OK" with turning 40 in any stretch of the imagination.  It was a very strange feeling that began to take over.  I've never been "that woman" who was in denial about her age or afraid to "voice the number" aloud.  I owned my age - always!  But, 40 was a whole other game.  A very different ball of wax.  I began to think about my life in ways I hadn't in a very long time.  Suddenly, things became real, more painfully true with each passing day.  I was turning 40 in a month and I had nothing to show for my life.

I didn't have my career in check.  I didn't have the home of my dreams yet.  I wasn't financially stable. I hadn't been on any amazing vacations in a long time.  I haven't made any life-changing contributions to the world.  My health was at an all time low.  I didn't like who I was.  I didn't have any children to speak of .  I never found my "forever guy".

Then the voices became more dark:  I was getting older.  People around me are too.  As I and those around me get older, we are that much closer to death.  How much time did I have left?  How much time did any of us have?  I was scared.  I got this pain in my chest that didn't go away for days, and the panic attacks that followed were some of my worst episodes-ever!

If I died today, what would I have to show for my life?  What real contributions have I made?  The answer to both was a sad and unanimous "NOT MUCH!"  I'd be remembered as the girl who always loved singing but gave it up because she was afraid of the stage.  A girl who loved to write more than life, but never wrote a book because she was too afraid of failing at it.  A girl who allowed guilt and abuse to devastate her silently into a world of an eating disorder.   Is this the legacy I had to leave?  It was maddening .

The feeling hasn't left me and it's been almost a year now.  Four months to my next birthday and I don't know if 41 will be any better than 40 was.

I'm surrounded by people who truly believe that thinking positively is the only way to change your life but I admit that I resent the words sometimes.  I mean I love them and their passion for the belief in it all, but it just gets so exhausting to think this way, all of the time.  But, I choose to be around positive light because the alternative scares me. 

It's been a tough year in ALL respects.  I just want a break for a bit.  I don't want much, never have.  But is it too much to ask to see a bit of sunshine, every now and again, without working for it? 

Anyway, that's my rant for the day.  Thanks for listening!