Sunday, August 3, 2014



Have you ever thought of women going through a mid-life crisis?

I've heard that men do, usually beginning in or around the age of 45 - 50 but not sure if women experience the same kind of thing.  Women normally await "the change" around the same time but, does it go beyond that? Well, I am certainly going through one.

Last November, I started to feel a little off.  It was right before my 40th birthday to be exact.  I was not at all "OK" with turning 40 in any stretch of the imagination.  It was a very strange feeling that began to take over.  I've never been "that woman" who was in denial about her age or afraid to "voice the number" aloud.  I owned my age - always!  But, 40 was a whole other game.  A very different ball of wax.  I began to think about my life in ways I hadn't in a very long time.  Suddenly, things became real, more painfully true with each passing day.  I was turning 40 in a month and I had nothing to show for my life.

I didn't have my career in check.  I didn't have the home of my dreams yet.  I wasn't financially stable. I hadn't been on any amazing vacations in a long time.  I haven't made any life-changing contributions to the world.  My health was at an all time low.  I didn't like who I was.  I didn't have any children to speak of .  I never found my "forever guy".

Then the voices became more dark:  I was getting older.  People around me are too.  As I and those around me get older, we are that much closer to death.  How much time did I have left?  How much time did any of us have?  I was scared.  I got this pain in my chest that didn't go away for days, and the panic attacks that followed were some of my worst episodes-ever!

If I died today, what would I have to show for my life?  What real contributions have I made?  The answer to both was a sad and unanimous "NOT MUCH!"  I'd be remembered as the girl who always loved singing but gave it up because she was afraid of the stage.  A girl who loved to write more than life, but never wrote a book because she was too afraid of failing at it.  A girl who allowed guilt and abuse to devastate her silently into a world of an eating disorder.   Is this the legacy I had to leave?  It was maddening .

The feeling hasn't left me and it's been almost a year now.  Four months to my next birthday and I don't know if 41 will be any better than 40 was.

I'm surrounded by people who truly believe that thinking positively is the only way to change your life but I admit that I resent the words sometimes.  I mean I love them and their passion for the belief in it all, but it just gets so exhausting to think this way, all of the time.  But, I choose to be around positive light because the alternative scares me. 

It's been a tough year in ALL respects.  I just want a break for a bit.  I don't want much, never have.  But is it too much to ask to see a bit of sunshine, every now and again, without working for it? 

Anyway, that's my rant for the day.  Thanks for listening!

1 comment:

  1. Hi Gia,

    Thanks for posting. Sending you a big hug through the computer screen. I remember having had a similar crisis when I was in university and believed that I would not live past 25. I hadn't contributed anything, nor was I likely to, and I had no purpose. A very good friend (who, sadly, is no longer in my life) heard me ranting and took matters into her own hands. She said, "Who are you to decide you haven't contributed, or won't? You have no idea what your purpose in life will be or is. You may not have the trappings of success, but if you can touch one person's life; be it through words, laughter, kindness or compassion; then you have contributed and succeeded." I took her words to heart, and Gia, I just want to say that you have contributed and succeeded with your words and your voice and your writings. You've used your struggles to make the way clearer for others who experience the same things, but may not have a voice. Thank you for that and for sharing your peaks and valleys with us.