Sunday, August 3, 2014
Have you ever thought of women going through a mid-life crisis?
I've heard that men do, usually beginning in or around the age of 45 - 50 but not sure if women experience the same kind of thing. Women normally await "the change" around the same time but, does it go beyond that? Well, I am certainly going through one.
Last November, I started to feel a little off. It was right before my 40th birthday to be exact. I was not at all "OK" with turning 40 in any stretch of the imagination. It was a very strange feeling that began to take over. I've never been "that woman" who was in denial about her age or afraid to "voice the number" aloud. I owned my age - always! But, 40 was a whole other game. A very different ball of wax. I began to think about my life in ways I hadn't in a very long time. Suddenly, things became real, more painfully true with each passing day. I was turning 40 in a month and I had nothing to show for my life.
I didn't have my career in check. I didn't have the home of my dreams yet. I wasn't financially stable. I hadn't been on any amazing vacations in a long time. I haven't made any life-changing contributions to the world. My health was at an all time low. I didn't like who I was. I didn't have any children to speak of . I never found my "forever guy".
Then the voices became more dark: I was getting older. People around me are too. As I and those around me get older, we are that much closer to death. How much time did I have left? How much time did any of us have? I was scared. I got this pain in my chest that didn't go away for days, and the panic attacks that followed were some of my worst episodes-ever!
If I died today, what would I have to show for my life? What real contributions have I made? The answer to both was a sad and unanimous "NOT MUCH!" I'd be remembered as the girl who always loved singing but gave it up because she was afraid of the stage. A girl who loved to write more than life, but never wrote a book because she was too afraid of failing at it. A girl who allowed guilt and abuse to devastate her silently into a world of an eating disorder. Is this the legacy I had to leave? It was maddening .
The feeling hasn't left me and it's been almost a year now. Four months to my next birthday and I don't know if 41 will be any better than 40 was.
I'm surrounded by people who truly believe that thinking positively is the only way to change your life but I admit that I resent the words sometimes. I mean I love them and their passion for the belief in it all, but it just gets so exhausting to think this way, all of the time. But, I choose to be around positive light because the alternative scares me.
It's been a tough year in ALL respects. I just want a break for a bit. I don't want much, never have. But is it too much to ask to see a bit of sunshine, every now and again, without working for it?
Anyway, that's my rant for the day. Thanks for listening!