Today was a day of self reflection. It seemed like every spare moment I had I was day-dreaming about my life. All the places I have seen, all the people I have met, the things I've done and the things I never had the courage to do. I began looking at how my life has turned out and couldn't help but feel a little short changed and dare I say...disappointed. Truly, I don't lack very much at all. I have wonderful family and great friends that would truly do anything for me and I for them. I have a fairly decent job that I dislike but it pays the bills. I'm in a relationship, and live in a beautiful home. I have a great deal of drive for the dreams I have and know that I possess the will to someday attain them. As well, I have a great deal of respect for both people, things and causes around me. Still, for some reason my mind, spirit and heart ache for more. In a word: I am "UN-fulfilled"
I miss the way things used to me at times. The friends I once had, the mentality and free spirit I once owned, my youth and excitement of a promising future. All the boys who at one time shamelessly duelled for my attention and my heart. The way my body once looked like and felt like. Waking up to the sheer excitement of what life had in store for me that day. I miss feeling butterflies in my tummy. I miss thinking that anything is possible. I miss believing that if you dream of it hard enough things WILL happen. I miss notes my friends and I used to send back and forth during math class. Watching my old boyfriend score a touch down for our High school Football team. I miss falling in love a million times. I miss sitting on the veranda with my Grandmother and watching the rain fall. I miss our Kool-aid stands (because at the time we thought that lemonade was over done). I miss laughing until my stomach couldn't take any more. I miss being abundantly happy, every second of every day...for no reason. I miss believing in fairy tales. I miss... I miss life the way I used to dream of it!
I just don't get it. How I ended up the way I did. Why I made all the choices I made. I mean I had a plan, sort of. I had a lot of dreams and truly all it took to capture each and every one of them. Yet, here I sit...literally empty inside. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed, nor am I looking for sympathy. I'm just sharing some feelings today of what I am feeling from deep within.
Most individuals in this situation have no clue who they are or what they want-but I do. I know exactly who I am as a person and have all my goals and dreams in check, but the only thing I don't know is how to attain them. I mean how does one go ahead and make all their dreams come true??
As people we are all born with the same capabilities and metal capacity to achieve greatness. Yet we are told that we are products of our own environment and drive, but are we really?