Thursday, August 5, 2010

Me, My Yolk & I

As of late, I have been fighting with my inner self in search of true peace and tranquility in my life. More and more I spend my time contemplating what true inner happiness really is. How can I achieve it? What will it mean for me? I have come to a point in my life, a cross road if you will, where I feel that it is time to change my ways…my path. So I have begun meditating a lot more than I used to; in search of the answers… my answers.

There is so much I want for my life. Dreams, aspirations and basic needs that I need and cannot deny myself any longer. My life feels like it’s in constant turmoil-trying too hard to do battle with lost causes. I keep giving fuel to things I shouldn't while neglecting areas of my life that have been screaming for attention for years. It cries for quiet and calm. My heart, craving the happiness and laughter it once knew, instead of the heavy weight of sorrow and sadness that has made a permanent home within my heart.

So how does one change their life? I believe it must begin with how we view life in general. The way in which we view life is at the root of how we deal with all of it. But then it would also be true to say that circumstances play a major role in how one deals with life and how their perception of it changes shortly thereafter. I suppose that real strength is to somehow understand that although everything can be taken away from a person, one attitude must always remain in order to survive. That is to choose one’s own path one’s own attitude in any given set of circumstances. To never forget whom you are inside. Realize that now; in this moment of time, you are creating. You are creating your next moment based on what you are feeling and thinking. That is what's real.

So is it a matter of just letting go of the unconscious belief that being anxious about the past or the future will somehow protect us and instead reprogram our cells with new ways of responding? Most of us find that eliminating anxiety and lifting depression to create security in one’s own life is a difficult, if not impossible task to achieve. So that it is much easier to give into the negative feelings that overwhelm our senses then change them into positive ones. “What’s the point in being optimistic? Nothing good ever happens to me” seems to be the constant rerun statement in my brain. You wake up every morning with every intention to change and do the right things that we all know we must or at least “should” do. Yet the day always ends with feelings of disappointment as you lay in bed right before drifting off to sleep. It’s becoming ridiculous.

What I’ve realized is that I am still holding onto my past- so much so that I’m almost afraid to move forward. All the memories of poor judgement and bad choices made still haunt my very existence. I am allowing this negative thought process to overpower and overshadow the new person I am trying to give birth too. For fear that it will just be another loss or failure down the road. That I have already made too many mistakes along the way and now at 36 I cannot afford to make anymore. I know it’s wrong to give into fear and these sort of feelings however, how at times it’s tough to keep them at bay?

In The Words Of A Brilliant Man… ”A person experiences life as something separated from the rest - a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. Our task must be to free ourselves from this self-imposed prison, and through compassion, to find the reality of Oneness.”

Albert Einstein

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