Monday, January 19, 2015


Life is very strange sometimes.

Most of us walk around this planet, so wrapped up in our trials and tribulations, not sure why we are burdened with them at all.  We constantly ask ourselves "Why me?!" As human beings, we are a curious bunch.  Always seeking knowledge or reasoning as to why things happen to us.  The thing is, we do receive our answers but, maybe not when "we" ask for them.  Someone told me a long time ago that our time and God's time are never the same.  I will admit to cursing upon that fact many, many times in my life.

Today, after what seemed like an eternity, I finally believe that I got an answer to one of my biggest struggles to date, in my life.


Two years ago, I was "officially" diagnosed with having an eating disorder. Along with it came two close companions called:  Depression and Anxiety.  I say "officially" because although, it had been going on for years and years, it was the first time doctors sat me down and told me (point blank) that I was going to die if I didn't stop.  For those of you who don't know what hearing those words aloud would feel like, allow me to offer you this brief description:

You hear them talking but you can't make out what they're saying anymore because your perception (in every way) is all a big slur.  The floor falls away from you and you sink into this incredible darkness and leading the way is your heart -which has now plummeted into that black hole, with no point of any return.  Your stomach feels like it's on a continual roller-coaster ride, only it's anything but a good time. And I'm not exactly sure but, I think I may have died for a few seconds during that conversation the doctors were trying to have with me.  Not sure, but it's possible...

I thought my life was over.  Truth be told, I have to literally convince myself that it's not even today.  I asked "Why Me, God?!" A million times, over the past 2-years.

But there's a reason and purpose for everything.  At least, that's what we are told.  I can tell you that I've learned many reasons but today, today I believe I found the purpose.

A woman I'd never seen before approached me at work today and wanted to know if she could steal a few minutes of my time to sit and chat with her about something important.  Always wanting to help others, I naturally agreed.  She began by telling me that she has followed my writings and struggles about  my disorder and mental illness since I came public with it last year and wanted to tell me how brave and thoughtful she thought I was to share such a painful (and very private) part of my life with the world.  That if it wasn't for my continual blogs and emotional writing pieces about my journey, she would never have learned that her 10 year old daughter was suffering from her own eating disorder.  Because of what I was going through, it gave her warning signs and she was able to help her daughter in time, before any real damage happened to her young body.  She then became very emotional and said that if it weren't for me getting sick and having the guts to go public about it, she may never have been able to save her daughter in time.   

I sat there, numb.  I couldn't cry because I wanted to be composed and strong for this mother who was coming undone before me.  So, I did my best to console her and offer any kind of advice, education and hope I could.  We sat there for a short while in silence, both thinking about how ironic life truly was.

"La vita e molto strana" (Life is very strange)
Now I know that God was not punishing me by creating this great, big journey I've been on.  He was preparing me.  I was trusting my pain, rather than his plan...

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