Tuesday, January 13, 2015



To be or not to be…

That always seems to be the question within my mind.
I feel as though I am constantly battling a war within myself.  Who should I be vs. Who I am.  What should I be doing vs. What I am doing.   How I should write vs. How I do write.  Frankly, it’s exhausting! 

I’m at a point where I feel as though nothing I do is ever good enough.  Who I am, never good enough.  However now, the focus group has shifted.  It’s different than it was say a year ago.  A year ago, I had EVERYTHING to prove to EVERYBODY else.  Now, everybody doesn’t matter a damn.  Now the focus group is made up of just one person in the audience.  One person to prove anything to – Myself! 

You’re all probably thinking:  “Well that’s great!”  You should only worry about proving something to yourself, not everyone else.  And you’re right!  It is great.  But don’t get too excited.  I just gave birth to the idea a mere week ago.  I was stuck for a very long time in the world of “Please Everybody Else” and it was utter craziness.  I mean, who the hell is “Everybody” anyway?  And why are they so God, damn important?  Why should their voice EVER be or mean more than my own?  Well, I don’t exactly know the answer to that.  Only thing I can tell you is that it’s crippled me over the past decade.  Especially, over the past 2-years.

Thankfully, there’s been a metamorphosis happening within.  The essence of who I am finally winning some battles.  More so than the person who has taken up residence within my soul over the past couple of years.  That’s a nice thing.  Because let me tell you something:  There is no greater war than the war you have within yourself, about yourself!  I kid you not!  I read and write many, many inspiring quotes about how important YOU are to yourself and how to be happy and enjoy your life.  To reach for your dreams and actually LIVE your life, instead of watching it play out.   But,  I guess the only person I was every really trying to get through to….was me.   

2014.  Man… were you a trip!  2015.  Welcome to my life!


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