Thursday, April 22, 2010
HOW DO WE KEEP IT ALIVE?
Trust, something we are all capable of bestowing on others, yet seldom give away. Why do we, as human beings, fear it so? We hold onto it so carefully. Deeming it to be just as (if not more) precious than gold. Some claim that giving it away is foolish while others couldn't possibly live in a world where it's kept hidden. With that said, how many of us truly trust ourselves? Is our judgement something we can count on, on a regular basis? Do we consider ourselves "trustworthy"?
I find this topic rather interesting and I am certain that I share that interest with many. Within my own journey I find it very rare that I trust anything or anyone right off the cuff. Most will say that it is because I have been tainted by life, but in a general sense, haven't we all? We've all had our hearts broken, we've all been disappointed in certain situations or by individuals and we have all certainly misjudged others which led us to something I like to call "trust let down" So I don't believe that my life has been tainted any more or any less than someone else. So why do I feel this way? I never used to in the past, but I find that the older I get the more sceptical I become. I don't care to be this way at all, as I truly believe it hurts my Chi. It completely interrupts that subtle flow of energy and tranquility within my body - which in turn drastically affects my mind and soul respectively. I have always had that "child like persona" about me, where I trust openly and love honestly anything and everything around me. I've been called foolish in the past by many but I was happy. Happy because no matter what evil struck me, I knew that my heart was free. That I would someday leave this world knowing that I listened, learned and loved whole-hearted. My trust and faith in the world remained in tact regardless of all the delusion in this world. Yet, that all changed...somehow...somewhere and I am not really sure as to when it did.
I seem to spend my time and energy over analyzing everything and trusting less and less every day. I seldom give my trust as easily as I once did. In fact, I rarely give it away at all. I am quite critical of others and their intention toward me. Almost as if I am slowly losing my faith in anything good. I am not there yet - not fully, but there is a constant battle between the beliefs of good and evil these days going on inside me.
I often wonder if the struggles I am experiencing with trust is one of trusting in others again or if it's simply trusting myself again. Although, I am not quite sure if I ever fully trusted myself as one should. Isn't that just crazy? I feel as though I have lived many lives in my 36 years, in that I have had many trials within my path. Things have come along that have truly tested all that I was made of and for a while no one really knew for sure who the winner would actually be when it was all said and done: Me or circumstance. Somehow... I always won the war! Today, there are instances when those circumstances have repeated themselves. Circumstances that I swore if ever resurfaced I would now trust myself to handle them differently, but that is not always the case. When I am faced with these demons I am left feeling unsure and afraid of trusting in myself. Surely one must trust in themselves first before attacking the issue of trusting others right? So how do you do that? I don't really know. How can I put all my faith in things (on in this case a person -me)that has continuously made mistakes and let me down?
Then, there are good days. Days when the clouds clear and the fear has left me alone for a moment once again. A time when I can love myself for always making the mistakes I needed to make in order to grow. After all growing is good. If one stops growing, they die. These are days when I am proud of all that I am and comforted by all the bumps that have been my path throughout the years. This is a time when I feel truly free to love, to live and to trust in everything again. A time when I fully appreciate the fact that evil must exist as well as good and that I am all the richer because of my tribulations.
Today...well today is one of those days I fall in-between all the good and all the evil. A day in which I reflect and work on finding the courage to trust and be child like again. The journey is a great one I am well aware, but a deserving path to follow nonetheless.