RISING SIZE...INSTEAD OF RISING STARS!

I was up rather early this morning, listening to the radio, when I heard the morning show announcers begin their rants on a recent photo taken of "Kelly Clarkson" and her progressing weight problem.

I cannot even put into words how enraged I became over the entire topic of conversation. Not that there is anything "new or strange" about it. In fact it has sadly become a "norm" of conversation in today's society. As always the comments and laughter was insensitive and cruel.

As a woman I feel for her in every way. Since the moment she stepped out into the lime light, she has been a target. I'm afraid that one day she will just shy away from her career simply because the world has become so incredibly asinine in their perceptions of beauty. She is an incredibly talented woman, whom I believe has blessed her nation with such a voice and style of music. Yet, no one seems to comment about that much anymore.

Another observation I had was the fact that it is mainly the "women" who are targeted with this kind of negative talk. Not to say that men haven't been the "butt" of these kinds of jokes before, but society tends to zero in on the female gender on a more regular basis when it comes to talking about weight issues. So why is it socially acceptable for a man to be "putting on the pounds" and not a woman? When it comes to health both genders are equally at risk of the same life threats if their weight is not controlled, so why single "the gals" out on a continual basis? The "eye candy" ratios must be in check at all times I suppose.

It truly saddens me that when it comes to people in a general sense we still cannot seem to make any kind of relevant conversation about a person as a human being. Are we forever to remain a society of childish mockery? Our worth mainly measured by the way we look and how others perceive that look? It truly boggles my mind. I understand that we are a "visual species" but come on folks...get over it already!!! Are we not capable of engaging in some form of stimulating conversation that does not revolve around the size of a woman's butt or the receding hair line of a man? We must be more intelligent than that! Or, perhaps I am merely giving human beings too much credit.

What really scares me is the message it sends to all of the "young girls" growing up in the midst of this mess. The growing number of young woman with "body image issues" and eating disorders in the world today is astounding. The media is sending wrongful messages which will ultimately and inevitably destroy their self-esteem, self-worth and their bodies all in one fowl swoop. Yet, we sit here and do nothing. Sure we have "some" social awareness events pointing out how wrong it is to judge a book by it's cover, but yet every time these girls pick up a magazine, watch TV, pick up a CD cover or tune into their favourite music videos they are continuously bombarded with size zeros. Which in turn distorts their perception of what is "right" or "acceptable" in society and to men/women alike. After all, a man will only "like you" if you look like them...right? The real message we should ALL be getting is the fact that "our health" is a growing concern all over the world, not our looks. That being active and healthy in mind, body and soul (so that we may be able to enjoy a long and full life) is the essence of true appeal. It has nothing to do with the size of our breasts, lips and booty.

Women (as men) deserve to be seen for who they are, not for what they possess. If we are to be seen as a prize on someone's arm it should be because of our aurora in it's entirety. Our goodness, our strength and our intelligence. But we are the only ones who are in control of what others see in us. You and you alone are the only individual who can own the definition of who you are - SO OWN IT!!! If we portray shallowness than that is all that will ever be perceived of us.

In the words of PINK.... let us not be a bunch of "stupid girls" solely concerned about "our looks" but rather, let us portray a sense of elegance, self-respect and ambition so that our "mini Me's" can take notice and grow up to be proud of themselves in all shapes and sizes; instead of feeling socially unworthy.

HOW DO WE KEEP IT ALIVE?

Trust, something we are all capable of bestowing on others, yet seldom give away. Why do we, as human beings, fear it so? We hold onto it so carefully. Deeming it to be just as (if not more) precious than gold. Some claim that giving it away is foolish while others couldn't possibly live in a world where it's kept hidden. With that said, how many of us truly trust ourselves? Is our judgement something we can count on, on a regular basis? Do we consider ourselves "trustworthy"?

I find this topic rather interesting and I am certain that I share that interest with many. Within my own journey I find it very rare that I trust anything or anyone right off the cuff. Most will say that it is because I have been tainted by life, but in a general sense, haven't we all? We've all had our hearts broken, we've all been disappointed in certain situations or by individuals and we have all certainly misjudged others which led us to something I like to call "trust let down" So I don't believe that my life has been tainted any more or any less than someone else. So why do I feel this way? I never used to in the past, but I find that the older I get the more sceptical I become. I don't care to be this way at all, as I truly believe it hurts my Chi. It completely interrupts that subtle flow of energy and tranquility within my body - which in turn drastically affects my mind and soul respectively. I have always had that "child like persona" about me, where I trust openly and love honestly anything and everything around me. I've been called foolish in the past by many but I was happy. Happy because no matter what evil struck me, I knew that my heart was free. That I would someday leave this world knowing that I listened, learned and loved whole-hearted. My trust and faith in the world remained in tact regardless of all the delusion in this world. Yet, that all changed...somehow...somewhere and I am not really sure as to when it did.

I seem to spend my time and energy over analyzing everything and trusting less and less every day. I seldom give my trust as easily as I once did. In fact, I rarely give it away at all. I am quite critical of others and their intention toward me. Almost as if I am slowly losing my faith in anything good. I am not there yet - not fully, but there is a constant battle between the beliefs of good and evil these days going on inside me.

I often wonder if the struggles I am experiencing with trust is one of trusting in others again or if it's simply trusting myself again. Although, I am not quite sure if I ever fully trusted myself as one should. Isn't that just crazy? I feel as though I have lived many lives in my 36 years, in that I have had many trials within my path. Things have come along that have truly tested all that I was made of and for a while no one really knew for sure who the winner would actually be when it was all said and done: Me or circumstance. Somehow... I always won the war! Today, there are instances when those circumstances have repeated themselves. Circumstances that I swore if ever resurfaced I would now trust myself to handle them differently, but that is not always the case. When I am faced with these demons I am left feeling unsure and afraid of trusting in myself. Surely one must trust in themselves first before attacking the issue of trusting others right? So how do you do that? I don't really know. How can I put all my faith in things (on in this case a person -me)that has continuously made mistakes and let me down?

Then, there are good days. Days when the clouds clear and the fear has left me alone for a moment once again. A time when I can love myself for always making the mistakes I needed to make in order to grow. After all growing is good. If one stops growing, they die. These are days when I am proud of all that I am and comforted by all the bumps that have been my path throughout the years. This is a time when I feel truly free to love, to live and to trust in everything again. A time when I fully appreciate the fact that evil must exist as well as good and that I am all the richer because of my tribulations.

Today...well today is one of those days I fall in-between all the good and all the evil. A day in which I reflect and work on finding the courage to trust and be child like again. The journey is a great one I am well aware, but a deserving path to follow nonetheless.

WHAT DREAMS MAY COME

Lately, I have been having the most incredible dreams. Only my dreams haven't been filled with joy and splendor, but rather embedded with sadness and despair. It has become so bad that I can barely bring myself to fall asleep anymore. This is true even of this very evening. I sit here writing this piece at 2 am, after yet another horrible nightmare.

The entire situation has become so overwhelming that I have begun studying my dreams more and more. Although, I haven't found any real comfort or seen a light at the end of my "nightmare tunnel" I know that the answers lay out there somewhere. What I have found out is that the dreams we have are feelings, situations, fears or obsessions that our subconscious mind has picked up from our everyday thoughts. The emotions our bodies and mind feel on a daily basis will eventually manifest itself into a dream sooner or later. I can fully appreciate this fact but how does one have complete control on any given day of what thoughts or obsessions their mind will decide to focus on? Yes, I do believe that we are incredible masters of our own emotions, but really how many negative thoughts can we "shoo away" each day? It's become so ridiculous that I am now "obsessing" over the ratio of "good to bad thoughts" that I am having everyday. I do realize that I am only making matters worse for myself, but I cannot seem to help myself.

The overwhelming thing for me is trying to understand what meaning lies within each dream. I begin to analyze every aspect of it. There are times that ironically enough I feel as though they (the dreams) are trying to tell me something. A piece of my "future puzzle" as it were. Yet, how accurate can the messages possibly be? Especially when there are so many different interpretations to dreams out there? I've also found that there are many "wives tales" to dreams in a general sense. For example: The religious extremist believe that if one awakes in utter terror of a dream, all you have to do is say a prayer and all the bad thoughts will wash away and allow you to fall back asleep peacefully. I myself have tried this and I must say, it has worked every time. Others say that you should never go to sleep on a full stomach, as this will absolutely lead you to nightmares. There are so many others but those are the two most popular ones that I have found. There are many theories that say bad dreams are interpreted incorrectly. That not ALL bad dreams are negative and in fact can have very positive meanings behind it? Even Sigmund Freud believed that dreams came in disguise of our own wishes. That dreams use displacement, condensation and symbolism to help filter the thoughts of the conscious mind.

Then there are theories based on the "Laws of Attraction". Emotions play the key element here. Like attracts like, therefore if we replace negative energy with positive emotion we can offset the "upsetting lost efforts" with "new visible opportunity" which perhaps was not plain to see to the naked eye of the soul before. That emotions are the one true driving force to every thought that occurs in our mind and although we cannot always have control over the situation, we can surely have control over what it means for us. So I suppose that if we truly are the "masters of our own emotions" then we truly have the power to believe and perceive anything we wish. Which now raises another question: Are our emotions the driving force to all things or is it truly just a matter of circumstance?

Whatever the reason for my nightmares, I just wish they would end. Yet, I am coming to understand that in order for that to happen I must first take a good look at what is going on in my life respectively. I admit that I do feel awfully stressed lately. I experience a great deal of anxiety in my everyday life, so naturally that angst could very well be spilling over into my unconscious levels. I think I truly need to focus on the fact that life is never easy, no matter what road one takes and therefore hard to see the balance in all things - or at least when we expect to see it.

Hopefully someday soon the good dreams will return once more.

MY GOODBYE TO HIM...

For the past few days I have been thinking a lot about an Uncle of mine that past away, almost a year ago. As the anniversary of his death approaches the more I realize how much I truly do miss him. It's amazing how some people believe that time heals everything and yet I don't see how that is possible. My feelings of sadness are the same today as they were a year ago.

In any event, I wanted to share a letter I wrote to him the day he died. It is with him now...forever.

Dear Zio Mario

It's truly incredible how many memories your mind recalls when you just take a moment to STOP and think about what a person has meant to you within this lifetime. What saddens my heart more than anything is that as human beings we never truly take the time to "STOP and smell the roses" until we are forced to.I was so very sorry to hear about your passing Dear Uncle. More than anything it hurts me to know that you were all alone during the final moments of your death. It is that very thought that I have not been able to shake since I heard the news. Although, I am most certain that you were comforted by God's light and accompanied home by his angels, I cannot help but feel that somehow we should have known. Sensed it in some way and been there for you. It makes me sad to know that I was robbed of the chance to say goodbye. And yet why should I have been granted a goodbye when you lived so close to me for all these years and I barely made time to drop in from time to time and say "hello". Although, I have known you all my life, I feel as though we barely knew much about one another at all. There was so much I could have said and never did and for that I am truly sorry. Isn’t that the rub? We always want to resolves things when it’s too late, but never take the time or make the effort to do so when the moment is in front of us. Instead we spend our lives continuously doing wrong by people. When all we should really be doing is loving and caring for one another – especially those who love and care about us so much. As we always seem to hurt those people the most. Why is that I wonder?

I didn’t want you leaving this world believing that you didn’t matter, because you did. So much! I learned a lot from you, especially during the final day of your life on this earth. You taught me that the time to live is NOW. We only have one life, so do it up in style everyday. To smile and be thankful for all those people in our lives who truly love us and have our back in times of need. To be a good person with a good heart, and to never ever sweat the small stuff. We all have our crosses to bare in this life, but if you believe it was all meant for a common purpose then everything will work out fine.

I know your life was a tough one, on good days a struggle at best, but you lived it and that truly means something. After all is said and done it is not how many times we fall in this life time that is important, but how well we rise after every fall that truly matters. A man’s only measure is how loving, kind and sweet he can be to those around him when times in his life are horrible. I guess we all forget!

To say my life has been easy....No…. but it has been very fruitful just the same. I know that there are times that my pain is great and times where my happiness overshadows all evil. I will always try to give the best of myself to everyone, because I know that they deserve nothing less and by giving them less than my best would only mean that I am cheating us both. The hard roads are many, and the tears plentiful but I know that no matter how difficult the journey, how poor in riches I am, I know one thing......that I am HAPPY right here, right now.....for being allowed the chance....to laugh, to cry, to love, to learn and most importantly to NEVER regret who I am..... Everyday of my life. Today for many reasons I am sad, but I pray that tomorrow will bring new promise.

So, I wanted to thank you for being my Uncle within this life. I loved you with all my heart and will continue to forever. Because there is a forever…I know there is. Someone told me today that “there is no such thing as forever” but I don’t believe that one bit. Love…love is forever. The kindness you show others…that can NEVER be taken away. The words and legacy one leaves behind will always live on…forever!
Sleep well…in peace….

Always:
Your Niece
"Lu-zi-Lu "
R.I.P

Mario Scarlatto

Died May 2, 2009, Age 75

Reflecting On My Life

I finally realized what life is all about. It took me 33 years, but I think I get it now. I used to think that what mattered most was the material worth you could say you attained toward the end of your journey here. Those who had more could truly say they accomplished more and lived a greater life than those who didn't have much at all. But who is to measure what accomplishments are truly worth more over others? Certainly not I.

I used to think that if I had a few University degrees under my belt, if I made a great salary, had a great big house to live in, drove an amazing car and had $100,000.00 dollars in the bank at all times that would make me a richer person all around. Surely no one could ever say different. They would say: (as I used to) "Now there is one happy, accomplished person who's got it right" I realized that in the end, when your time here is over, you won't be remembered for all the money you had - unless you used it to help those in need. You won't be remembered for being famous - unless your God given talents made you a humanitarian believing in people and great causes. People will not remember whether or not you owned a gigantic house with all the trimmings or whether you rented a tiny apartment. You won't be remembered for how you looked in high school or came to look as you grew older. Nor will they care if you were a millionaire or homeless. They won't even remember if you drove a Mercedes or a Pinto.

What they will remember is how you made them feel everyday of their lives, each time you saw or spent time with them. The way you made them laugh, the way you and only you could make them feel so real...so special and so proud to be alive. The way you did things for them just because who they were made your spirit glow. That you used your time here to love, to share and to bring awareness to the fact that life is a gift and one we may not have a long time to experience . That because of the lack of time you used all you had to make a real difference within our world.

Silly thing to FINALLY "get" or realize after all this time huh? Its funny how sometimes, you spend so much energy trying to live up to another's standards or expectation of who you should be that you forget who God created you to be. You forget that who you are or what little you may have will always be enough. For whom do you really have to be to help someone? How much do you really need in order to love someone or touch their lives?

I realized that when I'm gone I want everyone who ever knew me to smile at the memory of me, because it brings them joy to have known the person I was. Because I cared enough to spend all my time.... whatever money I had and whatever gifts God gave me to love them, care for them and make a difference in this life. To live in each moment with gratitude and fulfillment that who I have become is perfect and just enough to live an extraordinary life. To always make those around me understand that I WAS the one who was privileged to have ever encountered them along my journey –not them for knowing me.

I may never be rich...but I know now that I will truly never be poor. I may never own a big house....but I know that I will never be alone within the walls of any home. I know that I am divinely perfect......and I have only my imperfections, my mistakes and God's love to thank for that. Because of all of you I am the richest person in the world and because of me, I know that this world will never ever be the same.

How much time do we have? Not a lot.... Not a lot.....

SO WHY DATE????

What is it about dating that makes every one of us crazy? I mean think about it for one moment. One minute you are in control of your life and everything around it, than suddenly some higher power throws someone in your midst and BOOM! Your entire world is upside down. I have often wondered why that is, the fact that teeny tiny words like LOVE, MAN and WOMAN can alter your perception of right and wrong completely. So what is it? What makes us change or adapt new persona's because we suddenly fall for “Mr. & Ms. Right Now”?

You hear it all over. Your friends talking about the men and women they date. How they are all alike and the same; regardless of dimension or substance. How the women who came across so exquisitely one minute became such clingy, possessive stalkers the next. Or about the men who were romantic gentlemen truly into your ideals, became such heartless rouges merely after one more notch on their bedposts. Are we all mere suckers for the common fairy tale? Are we all blinded by the perfect love we create in our minds and read about in books that we cannot see the individual for who they truly are? The circumstance or situation for what it really is? Perhaps it’s time we all wake up from our dreams, at least long enough to keep the nightmares in perspective.

I used to be one of those individuals on the sidelines, a “dating spectator” if you will, for a long time. Watching my friends begin and end so many relationships I truly felt as though I was going through them myself. I never understood the silly stupid things they did because of someone they were with or interested in. Things like jealousy and analytical behavior overtaking their very souls. They stressed and worried about things for days. Going over even the smallest of details regarding things said in a conversation that may not have gone their way. It literally made them crazy. Being a die hard romantic I always believed that when the perfect love came along there would never be any need for all this negative energy. That the real feeling would only radiate positive strength in the two individuals cosmically connected. I'm not a jealous person by character and will not conform to another person because I fell for someone. That was my case and I was sticking to it! Uncanny how things can change.

After some extensive research and observation of men and women in their “dating cycles” I realized that although we claim to be very open, upfront and brutally honest about what we are looking for in the opposite sex we couldn't be more evasive. The more we would like to believe that we are being “crystal clear” with our words, we could not be more misleading.

When we enter the world of love and dating all is fair within it. At least that is what we have always been told. Anyone is fair game and their love, free for the taking. Now poetically that statement is bold and romantic, but in the real world, do we take it too far?

Like many things in life, dating too can be a political arena. You have candidates promising you one thing but delivering another. Allowing you to believe that they are addressing your wants, desires and needs in a clear and concise fashion, yet only sticking around until their own agendas have been fulfilled. Making you believe that you have a voice and that voice speaks volumes in the name of truth and sincerity, only for it to be blocked out eventually by their own. Although could it be possible that we as individuals put too many expectations on the other person; as much as we do with politicians? In a word… YES! I believe we do indeed. I think as people we put such incredibly high expectations on those who come into our lives. We expect them to be our world, our everything and when the slightest thing goes wrong or needs are not being met we crumble and blame them for allowing our worlds to fall. Somewhere along the way, in our search of the perfect man and woman to make us whole, we forget a very important element. That is, that we are simplistic perfection. We are already whole all on our own and once we truly understand that then and only then can we stop the “dating insanity”

We must always remember that we crave Utopia by political association. We have been conditioned as a society to believe that our politicians are “Gods” That with their powers they can bring forth a world in the exact fashion that we dream of in slumber, so naturally we would believe that love and dating work the same way. The individual we deem lucky enough to spend time with should never let us down, never make a mistake and never misuse their “powers” that they so diligently hold over us because we fell for them. But with all of that we forget a very important fact. The fact that they are human as we are and it is in our natures to gear off path every now and again. That perhaps it is because of our own expectations that these relationships fail. We cannot use this as the equation for everything but I am quite positive that most of us can relate self destruction as the leading cause of why “some” relationships go sour.

A wise person once said, “If you have no expectations you can truly have no disappointments” Some say it is the root of all heartache. In the dating world that one phrase speaks volumes.

FOR THE LOVE OF WORDS

Throughout my life I have always turned to reading as an offset to my "everyday stresses" I can still remember all the different novels that coincided with a particular "life crisis" I was experiencing at the moment. It seems kind of funny now, but back then those books were my saving grace.



What I remember most was that in every instance a particular phrase or quotation would grab hold of my very soul and change my existence as I knew it. It didn't necessarily have to be anything obtuse in meaning. For the most part they were always rather simplistic. It was what most would call: "common sense theories" and indeed they were. Yet sometimes, depending on what you are going through, even the simplest of things are so far gone from your mind. There were also some instances where I would pick up a book or poem in one moment, read it and capture a meaning from it, and be able to come back to it again in years to come and grasp an entirely different outlook from it altogether. I suppose that is because you seek different things in different stages of your life. Things take on new meaning when you apply another scenario to it.


With that said; I thought that I would share some of those books with you. Perhaps you will find a new "special hidden meaning" from them, just for you..


Garden Of Lies By Elieen Goudge - The fiction tradition that a woman will do anything for a man. In the end a revelation occurs where the main character (a woman) realizes that there are no lies worth your own truth. I read this book in my first year of College. I became involved with a man that in my heart of hearts I knew wasn't right for me. Nevertheless, the tale continued and became what was later revealed the web of lies in my own life.


The Pillars Of The Earth By Ken Follett - The story is set in the 12th century and begins with a grim reality of death. This book was both special and close to my heart because it taught me a most valuable lesson. That death can have many connotations and perceptions to it. Mainly negative, which is the wrong mind set for life in a general sense. For in order for new life and new hope to come to light, the must be death. This book was given to me by a dear friend, someone who loved me very much at one time. This book allowed me to forget about the tangled web I was weaving in my own life at that time.


Love In The Time Of Cholera By Gabriel Garcia Marquez - This is truly the love story of all time. It epitomizes the idea that love truly does become stronger with time. I feel upon this book by accident. Thank God for that!


The Picture Of Dorian Gray By Oscar Wilde - Truly, without a doubt, one of my most treasured books. The setting is in 1945, Old England. The moral of the story here is: Life's lessons and what you learn from them truly determine the youth, vigour and beauty in any human being - not age! This book was given to me by a man I once dated. He reminded me so much of the main character. His most valued asset was his beauty. It was evident more to himself than to others. He treated the world and those around him poorly because of it. In turn, it taught me that people are not things and they should be valued not as objects, but as vibrant spirits. I learned much from this epic tale. Especially the fact that love along with beautiful things can truly only be seen with one's heart. For that is where the beauty in all things truly lies.


It's Called A Break-Up Because It's Broken By Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt - Yes Folks! This book is exactly what you think it is: A "self-help book" for those of us who've been dumped in our lifetime. It was given to me by my sister in law and I must admit that at first I thought she was crazy. "I'm not going to read this" I thought to myself. I thought it was stupid and not worthy of eyes falling upon it's tacky nature of the written word. Well, I am happy to say that it truly was one of the most enjoyable books I have ever read. It's quirky nature made me not only feel better about the situation I was in at that moment, but also re-affirmed the value that we should all have about ourselves. No one can truly know what is best for us other than "US". Aside from the fun nature of this book in it's entirety, one chapter truly helped me over my break-up instantaneously. More so...it was one small sentence grouped among a million others that rocked me at the very core of my being. The sentence was: "That person in your life took one long look at the awesomeness that is you and said: "NO THANKS" So why cry over them? Again, silly to some, but I swear to you folks, it was the last day I ever cried over that particular man again. The book truly made me feel "appreciated" somehow. Not by others, but by the person who should appreciate me the most: ME!



I truly hope you have enjoyed this sharing of some of my books and experiences. There are obviously too many to possibly list, but these were definitely my "golden book moments"

THE MIGHTY PANIC ATTACK

I am bringing forward a topic that I believe is very familiar to many people, however seldom spoken of. More and more in today's society Chronic Panic Attack Syndrome is becoming a painful part of the "North American Lifestyle" In some instances it is misdiagnosed and therefore making many people unaware of what it actually is. Its symptoms mimic those of a heart attack or stroke, but they are in fact very different things. Over the past 15 years panic attack syndrome (or anxiety attacks, as they are so often called) has become an overwhelming phenomena for many people.

I was 26 when I had my first "panic attack" experience. It was the most terrifying experience of my life. I felt as though I was going to die. That my heart would eventually give out (from beating so fast) and I would have a massive heart attack and my life would be over. It began with a simple thought: “I cannot breathe properly", I thought to myself and it was all down hill from there. I began to feel my heart beating a mile a minute and at times I could swear it was skipping beats. Then I felt it. Massive heart palpitations followed by very deep chest pains. I began to break out into a cold sweat and my entire body shook from fear. My legs felt like jello and yet I had the adrenaline of 10 men. I would pace the house, trying to make myself feel better but it didn't work. The more I paced the more severe my symptoms became. That, hand in hand with negative thoughts of death, was enough to send shooting pain up both my arms and at one point I was ready to faint. The attacks always left me extremely vulnerable, weak and feeling as though I was going crazy. I was falling into a deep depression and never had a break from anxious feelings or negative thought patterns.

After months of hospital visits, heart specialists and psychologist appointments I was finally diagnosed with panic attack disorder by a man by the name of Vince Pietropoalo. He was a relaxation therapist. The only man who had enough faith in both himself and me, that I could beat this thing without medication. Medication is always "the most" welcomed solution for patients suffering from this type of disorder, but it was not a method I was willing to explore. He allowed me to visit with him each week, and gave me a clear and concise explanation for what was happening within my body. “A panic attack is the release of adrenaline within the blood stream, at the wrong time" It made sense to me, so I decided to keep seeing him. He went on to tell me that there were no registered cases in history that stated anyone dying of a panic attack before. I was relieved (to say the very least) to know what it was I had and that I wasn't going to die from it.

I have been living with Anxiety disorder for 10 years now. I say "living with it" because, as it was explained to me, once you become diagnosed with Panic Attack Syndrome you will suffer from it for the rest of your life. Doctors and therapists alike all agree that they can become manageable, at times even become dormant for years, but will again resurface in time. For those who suffer from these attacks, it is truly horrifying to hear such news. Nevertheless, we fight to live another day, in a dormant state of anxiety.

Today, my attacks are much more controlled. They do not occur as often as they originally did 10 years ago, but nevertheless they are still there. I learned a lot about what my triggers are and how to "talk myself down" when my attacks do in fact arise. I was taught how to use my body to relax my mind, and how truly important it is to know that as individuals we may not be able to control the events and circumstances around us, but we can certainly control what those events and circumstances mean to us. Anxiety can be controlled. It has taken many long and difficult years to build a relationship between myself and the attacks. For it is necessary to do so. I have learned a great deal about myself, my emotions, and the entire world around me. Things that perhaps I may never have known if it wasn't for this crazy ride. So I try to take something positive from it, although, it's not always the easiest task.

For those of you who are not familiar with what panic attacks truly are, I suggest that you visit articles written by: Jake Van Der Borne. He is the author of an incredible site relating to panic attacks and dealing with anxiety in a general sense. The link is:
http://www.anxiety-and-depression-solutions.com/wellness_concerns/panic_attacks/dealing_with_panic.php
He explains exactly what a panic attack is and how to deal with them. His research explain, in detailed fashion, what the existing symptoms of a panic attack are, how they originate and how to "ride them" once they occur.
There is also a "question and answer" section for those who would like to know more.

So if you think that you or anyone you know suffers from this type of disorder, I urge you to visit this site and speak to your doctor immediately. There are many different forms of treatment for what we go through. Ones that do not necessarily have to involve taking medication. I was truly lucky to have found a therapist who believed that too.
If you are new to this world always know that you are not alone. There is help and a light at the end of all the madness. You may feel for a long time like you are going utterly crazy, but those feelings will subside. You just have to talk to someone about them.