A New Dawn

I had the most incredible sleep last night.  You know the one.  The kind where you wake up in the exact same spot you fell asleep in.  The kind where when you awake you actually forget where you are for just a second.  That kind!  I woke up this morning (for the first time in months) feeling refreshed, alive and eager to start the day.  I know it sounds a bit silly to be "blogging" about something so trivial, but for those who know me, will understand. 

I've been suffering from severe insomnia for almost a year now.  My nights are usually days and my days have become nights.  It's a horrible thing because it effects your job, driving a car and even your social life.  It also brings about a certain depressive state, one which I don't need to sink any more into, might I add.

So today is a good day.  I don't have many, but I'm hoping this will drive itself into a trend of some sort.  One step, one day at a time.  That's how I'm trying to lead my life nowadays.  When there is so much to fix/change or alter within your life, it's the only way you can think.  If you try to juggle too many thoughts at once (as I always seem to do) you can easily spiral out of control

So I'm thankful to God for the rest and rejuvenation!  I hope it lasts for a little while at least, but all I can be happy about is for the day.  Nothing more than that!

Erika

I wanted to share a very special blog with all of you today.  One that will hopefully spread awareness about an important cause.  The one I speak of is none other than: MS.

For those of you who aren't familiar with Multiple Sclerosis allow me to briefly explain what it is to you.  It's a vicious disease that attacks the nervous system, within the human body.  A disease with unpredictable symptoms that vary from person to person and over time.  What it does is it attacks the covering of the brain and spinal cord, causing inflammation and damaging it.  It disrupts and distorts nerve impulses to those regions.  People living with this disease quickly become painfully aware that they are not in control of their functions at all times.  It's a scary process and one that definitely needs more attention.

I have been involved with MS projects over the years.  Growing up I was always part of the yearly "Read-A-Thon" in our local community to help raise money for the cause, I but never really knew about the disease to it's full capacity.  I looked at it as:  It's a good cause and I love to read so what the hell.  Today, it's painfully different.  Today, it sits too close to home and with those I love. 

It's been almost a year now since my little cousin, Erika got diagnosed with MS. I still remember the feeling of numbness that washed over me when I first heard the news.  I went over and over it in my mind and asked the all time famous question - "why her?"  It's funny how life can change in a blink of an eye and something that you barely thought about now becomes the centre focal point of your universe overnight.
I immediately began to think about how she would allow the news to manifest itself into her existence and became saddened at the thought of this breaking her. 

Erika is the youngest of three sisters.  All of which I share an incredible connection with.  Watching them grow up I always smiled to myself at the uncanny resemblances we all shared.  I saw so much of myself in all of them.  The eldest sister exudes the same head strong attitude I do, along with a protective armour around herself and all those she loves.  The middle sister shares my "dreamer like" qualities, love for books and never allows anyone to own the definition of who she is.  Then, there's Erika.  Not only do we share an incredible facial resemblance, but a spiritual one as well.  Naturally I would be protective of them, for the three of them together make up my entire chemistry.  It breaks my heart to know that I cannot protect her from this.  Yet, what I can do is help her fight and that's exactly what I intend to do. 

Erika, for whatever reason, it seems that MS is one of your crosses to bare within this life.  I want you to know that you are never alone in ANY fight during this journey.  I will always be right there beside you every step of the way until you tell me to go away.  Even then, I never will.  You see, I love you and will never stop.  Which means that you're stuck with me for this entire journey of your life.  I will never allow you to give up on any part or aspect of your life-especially this one.  I know it will be a trying road, but when you want to give up just remember why you've held on for so long.  Take comfort in the fact that you have so many people around you who support you in every way. 

I know there are times when you feel beaten in life, but always know that it's never about the obstacles God puts in your pathway, but the lessons and strength you gain as a person from them being put there.  You are a strong and vibrant light, so don't ever allow anything to diminish that within you.  Always remember that nothing can be given power unless you allow it power.  So only give power to positive thoughts and you will always be free.  That is my own pesonal quote, made just for you!

Never allow this disease to take control of the person you are.  For you would rob the world of your incredibly beauty if you ever did.  Never allow your eyes to loose their sparkle, and never loose that gorgeous smile that appears on your lips every time I see you.  Most importantly, never loose that child like spirit you possess within your heart.  Instead, allow God to use you as a canvas to draw on and help him guide your path well.

Always remember that you are perfect just as you are. The way you were made was purposely done, as God makes no mistakes.  If anything, you are more so perfect now than ever before.  I love you with all my heart and truly believe that you are capable of the most remarkable things.  Live your life for you-your way and never allow something out of your control to direct you in any way.  Instead you show this thing that you control yourself and you're gonna fight every step of the way.

If you or anyone you love is currently living with MS than you know how important it is to find the answers.  How crucial it is to continue to fight for it's execution.  So let us do all it is we can to educate those around us and help the cause.  Again, something is only as strong as the power we allow it.  So stand up and be heard.  Show support in any way you can for Erika and the millions of people who live with this disease each day.  Become part of the research of MS by donating now.  Or get involved in special events surrounding this disease in your community, so that we can make this disease a thing of the past.  Let's put an end to the madness today.

Please visit:  http://www.mssociety.ca/ and become aware.



Pedometers...don't leave home without one!

 I recently bought myself a pedometer, as a direct suggestion from my nutritionist.  I'm sure you've all seen them or at least heard of them.  It's one of those things that you set up, clip onto your clothing and begin walking.  It's purpose is to measure exactly how many steps one actually takes, on any given day.  Or, in my case how many steps I don't take on any given day. 

I began on Monday morning.  I woke up, showered and got ready for work.  Before leaving home, I set it up (entering your weight/height) clipped it onto my pants and began my day.  This one is actually really neat because it will buzz you each time you've hit a 1000 steps and will also mark how many calories you burn as you go along.  On this day, I am sad to report that I never got " a buzz".  I waited and must have checked on it a million times a day.  Nothing extraordinary happened.

By Wednesday, I had gotten used to the idea of clipping it on the moment I got out of bed and before long I was feeling that beautiful "buzzing vibration" that I'd been hearing so much about.  It was really motivating to check on it and see the progress.

By Friday morning, I was on cloud 9.  I had broken all my records of the days past and was looking forward to doing even more the next day. 

Here I sit, Sunday morning, and I just had to communicate to all of you just how wonderful this little mechanism is.  When I began using it on the first day I felt down and depressed almost, because of how low my numbers really were.  What I didn't realize at the time is how that number would motivate me to change things for the rest of the week.  I would never have imagined that something like a pedometer would actually inspire me to move more and feel great.  I am nowhere near the recommended "10,000" steps per day, but am fully conscious of the fact that I must more toward that goal each and every day.  I realize that I have a very inactive workday, but it only means that I need to motivate, encourage myself and keep focused on the idea that I need to "get up and move" more each and every day.  I know that soon enough 10,000 steps will seem too low for me to live with on any given day and will strive for more. 

I truly recommend all of you to get one.  You'd be surprised how much it will change your way of thinking.
I learned a lot this week after wearing it.  It's opened my eyes to a lot of different things - especially to the fact that no matter what you've got going on in your life, YOU must always matter most of all.

My Road Taken

A few months ago, I decided that after taking a long hard look at my life, several things needed to change.  I am at a point in my life where I think it's time to do some "renovations" or "spring cleaning" if you will.
Many may find it strange but for me, well, I do this every now and again.  It keeps me focused on my dreams and the person I am on this earth to become. It's essentially a time when you look at all aspects of your life and decipher whether or not they are damaging you (holding you back) or allowing you to put your best foot forward.  Generally, for me this means anything from the people surrounding me to mental state of mind. 

After taking a couple of months to collect my thoughts, I realized that I truly needed an entire over haul.  Yet, where does one begin when almost everything in their life is in desperate need of attention?  Well, after many long hard looks in the mirror the answer was always inevitably the same-ME!  I realized that no matter how many changes had to come, or how many dreams I want fulfilled it all begins and ends with me.  The thought in itself was scary.  It's not always easy to look at your life and realize that you are the main reason things aren't the way you'd like them to be.  It's the ol' "can't get out of your own way" syndrome, time and time again.

I realized that no matter what else is to come, I have to be strong enough to follow the entire journey through.  How on earth can I do that if  what is suppose to be the main part of the puzzle (ME) is out of focus?  Naturally this was not going to be an easy task.  For you see, I haven't made myself "my focal point" for many years.  It will prove to be the toughest part of this challenge no doubt.

So, where does one begin?  It all needed help-desperate attention.  My mind is unclear and fuzzy surrounding basically everything.  My emotional state hasn't been good in forever.  My body, well.. yes, it truly needed my love.  Sadly, it hasn't received any love from me in quite some time.  So there was my answer.  My focal point.  No matter what came afterward, my body needed me now, more than ever before.

I decided to do what many have done before me, I hired on a Nutritional team of experts.  This was definitely not an easy task.  There are so many different regimes out there- all of which are too expensive for words.  Yet, how could I put a price on my health?  On my well being and the divine temple that has so faithfully served me (come hell or high water) all these years?  The answer is I cannot.  So I held my breath and dove right in, head first.  I truly had no idea what I was in for.

It began 3 weeks ago with what all Nutritionists call "The Cleanse" It sounds so beautiful in a way.  To clean and free your body of all it's present toxins, in order to become pure.  My temple definitely needed purification, so I thought what the hell!  Dear Lord in heaven, what I went through for the next seven days was incredible.  Now folks, keep in mind that I have never done this type of cleanse before in my life, so I was not at all prepared for what was about to come. 

For the next 7 days no matter what I ate (which was barely anything) went directly through me the next second-literally.  It was anything but beautiful I will tell you that.  The first couple of days I truly thought I was doing something wrong because nothing was happening.  I didn't feel any different and I surely wasn't "purifying myself" in the way I was suppose to (if you understand what I mean here) Then, it came, like a thief in the night.  The flood gates opened and I was introduced to the raw essence of what was named:  "The Cleanse"  It was not pretty.  I barely left the bathroom, not to mention I had the worst migraines I'd had in years.  I felt utterly horrible.  Too dizzy to do much of anything, but enough energy to run to the "Ladies Room" every other second of the day.  It was sheer madness.  This was only day 4!  Then, like a storm, the clouds parted and the rain had ended.  Days 5-7 were peaceful.  When it was over, I truly felt different.  There it was:  My body's "clean state" and I was then ready to begin the next phase of my journey-The Eating Regime!

After some analysis and research into my "physical history" my Nutritionist and Medical Doctor decided that it would be best to put me on a 1600 hundred calorie a day meal plan, to attain great results. The exercise plan was phase three, but for the next 7 days I was to solely concentrate on my eating habits.  Seemed logical enough.  The most important part of this entire process was to understand that what I was about to enter into was what they referred to as a:  "life-style change" and by no means to ever be called: "a diet"  Along with the eating regime comes behavioural classes and seminars that I am to attend once a week to change my pattern of thought when it comes to food and emotions.  Something I can honestly tell you I have linked hand in hand for many years-and not in a good way.  So needless to say I was both happy and excited with my decision to work on my body.  Then, it hit me, 1600 calories a day and portions of food big enough for only a baby to appreciate.  How was I ever going to do this?  What have I gotten myself into and committed to here?  I began thinking about all the things I was going to miss out on.  Scrumptious meals with my family and friends over the next few months, going out for drinks with the girls, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years.  I became very angry.  How on earth am I going to get through this? The negativity definitely began swirlling in my head like a tornado.  I was scared.  Scared at failing mostly.  Failing at yet another part of my life.  I realized something incredibly painful at that very moment:  I was addicted to food and it was making me a prisoner of not only my body, but of my own emotions as well.

Today is day 8 of my new "lifestyle change" and going strong.  Has it been a difficult journey thus far?  Yes!  Have I been angry and starving the entire time? Yes! Am I scared of what's to come? Yes!  Am I consumed with thoughts of giving up and failure? Yes!  Am I truly proud of myself for sticking to my guns and allowing myself to see where this new journey will take me? Yes!

Everything in life worth doing is scary, I (more than anyone else) know this.  Failure is something we as human beings are all afraid of, but it's the fear that drives us to achieve greatness.  I know I deserve greatness, so I will continue to climb on this: My first journey of many to come, over the next little while. I know there will be times I will want to give up but I will gather my strength and push forward the only way any addict can: ONE DAY AT A TIME...

THE MIGHTY PANIC ATTACK

I am bringing forward a topic that I believe is very familiar to many people, however seldom spoken of. More and more in today's society Chronic Panic Attack Syndrome is becoming a painful part of the "North American Lifestyle" In some instances it is misdiagnosed and therefore making many people unaware of what it actually is. Its symptoms mimic those of a heart attack or stroke, but they are in fact very different things. Over the past 15 years panic attack syndrome (or anxiety attacks, as they are so often called) has become an overwhelming phenomena for many people.

I was 26 when I had my first "panic attack" experience. It was the most terrifying experience of my life. I felt as though I was going to die. That my heart would eventually give out (from beating so fast) and I would have a massive heart attack and my life would be over. It began with a simple thought: “I cannot breathe properly", I thought to myself and it was all down hill from there. I began to feel my heart beating a mile a minute and at times I could swear it was skipping beats. Then I felt it. Massive heart palpitations followed by very deep chest pains. I began to break out into a cold sweat and my entire body shook from fear. My legs felt like jello and yet I had the adrenaline of 10 men. I would pace the house, trying to make myself feel better but it didn't work. The more I paced the more severe my symptoms became. That, hand in hand with negative thoughts of death, was enough to send shooting pain up both my arms and at one point I was ready to faint. The attacks always left me extremely vulnerable, weak and feeling as though I was going crazy. I was falling into a deep depression and never had a break from anxious feelings or negative thought patterns.

After months of hospital visits, heart specialists and psychologist appointments I was finally diagnosed with panic attack disorder by a man by the name of Vince Pietropoalo. He was a relaxation therapist. The only man who had enough faith in both himself and me, that I could beat this thing without medication. Medication is always "the most" welcomed solution for patients suffering from this type of disorder, but it was not a method I was willing to explore. He allowed me to visit with him each week, and gave me a clear and concise explanation for what was happening within my body. “A panic attack is the release of adrenaline within the blood stream, at the wrong time" It made sense to me, so I decided to keep seeing him. He went on to tell me that there were no registered cases in history that stated anyone dying of a panic attack before. I was relieved (to say the very least) to know what it was I had and that I wasn't going to die from it.

I have been living with Anxiety disorder for 10 years now. I say "living with it" because, as it was explained to me, once you become diagnosed with Panic Attack Syndrome you will suffer from it for the rest of your life. Doctors and therapists alike all agree that they can become manageable, at times even become dormant for years, but will again resurface in time. For those who suffer from these attacks, it is truly horrifying to hear such news. Nevertheless, we fight to live another day, in a dormant state of anxiety.

Today, my attacks are much more controlled. They do not occur as often as they originally did 10 years ago, but nevertheless they are still there. I learned a lot about what my triggers are and how to "talk myself down" when my attacks do in fact arise. I was taught how to use my body to relax my mind, and how truly important it is to know that as individuals we may not be able to control the events and circumstances around us, but we can certainly control what those events and circumstances mean to us. Anxiety can be controlled. It has taken many long and difficult years to build a relationship between myself and the attacks. For it is necessary to do so. I have learned a great deal about myself, my emotions, and the entire world around me. Things that perhaps I may never have known if it wasn't for this crazy ride. So I try to take something positive from it, although, it's not always the easiest task.

For those of you who are not familiar with what panic attacks truly are, I suggest that you visit articles written by: Jake Van Der Borne. He is the author of an incredible site relating to panic attacks and dealing with anxiety in a general sense. The link is:
http://www.anxiety-and-depression-solutions.com/wellness_concerns/panic_attacks/dealing_with_panic.php
He explains exactly what a panic attack is and how to deal with them. His research explain, in detailed fashion, what the existing symptoms of a panic attack are, how they originate and how to "ride them" once they occur.
There is also a "question and answer" section for those who would like to know more.

So if you think that you or anyone you know suffers from this type of disorder, I urge you to visit this site and speak to your doctor immediately. There are many different forms of treatment for what we go through. Ones that do not necessarily have to involve taking medication. I was truly lucky to have found a therapist who believed that too.
If you are new to this world always know that you are not alone. There is help and a light at the end of all the madness. You may feel for a long time like you are going utterly crazy, but those feelings will subside. You just have to talk to someone about them.