Tuesday, September 28, 2010

My Road Taken

A few months ago, I decided that after taking a long hard look at my life, several things needed to change.  I am at a point in my life where I think it's time to do some "renovations" or "spring cleaning" if you will.
Many may find it strange but for me, well, I do this every now and again.  It keeps me focused on my dreams and the person I am on this earth to become. It's essentially a time when you look at all aspects of your life and decipher whether or not they are damaging you (holding you back) or allowing you to put your best foot forward.  Generally, for me this means anything from the people surrounding me to mental state of mind. 

After taking a couple of months to collect my thoughts, I realized that I truly needed an entire over haul.  Yet, where does one begin when almost everything in their life is in desperate need of attention?  Well, after many long hard looks in the mirror the answer was always inevitably the same-ME!  I realized that no matter how many changes had to come, or how many dreams I want fulfilled it all begins and ends with me.  The thought in itself was scary.  It's not always easy to look at your life and realize that you are the main reason things aren't the way you'd like them to be.  It's the ol' "can't get out of your own way" syndrome, time and time again.

I realized that no matter what else is to come, I have to be strong enough to follow the entire journey through.  How on earth can I do that if  what is suppose to be the main part of the puzzle (ME) is out of focus?  Naturally this was not going to be an easy task.  For you see, I haven't made myself "my focal point" for many years.  It will prove to be the toughest part of this challenge no doubt.

So, where does one begin?  It all needed help-desperate attention.  My mind is unclear and fuzzy surrounding basically everything.  My emotional state hasn't been good in forever.  My body, well.. yes, it truly needed my love.  Sadly, it hasn't received any love from me in quite some time.  So there was my answer.  My focal point.  No matter what came afterward, my body needed me now, more than ever before.

I decided to do what many have done before me, I hired on a Nutritional team of experts.  This was definitely not an easy task.  There are so many different regimes out there- all of which are too expensive for words.  Yet, how could I put a price on my health?  On my well being and the divine temple that has so faithfully served me (come hell or high water) all these years?  The answer is I cannot.  So I held my breath and dove right in, head first.  I truly had no idea what I was in for.

It began 3 weeks ago with what all Nutritionists call "The Cleanse" It sounds so beautiful in a way.  To clean and free your body of all it's present toxins, in order to become pure.  My temple definitely needed purification, so I thought what the hell!  Dear Lord in heaven, what I went through for the next seven days was incredible.  Now folks, keep in mind that I have never done this type of cleanse before in my life, so I was not at all prepared for what was about to come. 

For the next 7 days no matter what I ate (which was barely anything) went directly through me the next second-literally.  It was anything but beautiful I will tell you that.  The first couple of days I truly thought I was doing something wrong because nothing was happening.  I didn't feel any different and I surely wasn't "purifying myself" in the way I was suppose to (if you understand what I mean here) Then, it came, like a thief in the night.  The flood gates opened and I was introduced to the raw essence of what was named:  "The Cleanse"  It was not pretty.  I barely left the bathroom, not to mention I had the worst migraines I'd had in years.  I felt utterly horrible.  Too dizzy to do much of anything, but enough energy to run to the "Ladies Room" every other second of the day.  It was sheer madness.  This was only day 4!  Then, like a storm, the clouds parted and the rain had ended.  Days 5-7 were peaceful.  When it was over, I truly felt different.  There it was:  My body's "clean state" and I was then ready to begin the next phase of my journey-The Eating Regime!

After some analysis and research into my "physical history" my Nutritionist and Medical Doctor decided that it would be best to put me on a 1600 hundred calorie a day meal plan, to attain great results. The exercise plan was phase three, but for the next 7 days I was to solely concentrate on my eating habits.  Seemed logical enough.  The most important part of this entire process was to understand that what I was about to enter into was what they referred to as a:  "life-style change" and by no means to ever be called: "a diet"  Along with the eating regime comes behavioural classes and seminars that I am to attend once a week to change my pattern of thought when it comes to food and emotions.  Something I can honestly tell you I have linked hand in hand for many years-and not in a good way.  So needless to say I was both happy and excited with my decision to work on my body.  Then, it hit me, 1600 calories a day and portions of food big enough for only a baby to appreciate.  How was I ever going to do this?  What have I gotten myself into and committed to here?  I began thinking about all the things I was going to miss out on.  Scrumptious meals with my family and friends over the next few months, going out for drinks with the girls, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years.  I became very angry.  How on earth am I going to get through this? The negativity definitely began swirlling in my head like a tornado.  I was scared.  Scared at failing mostly.  Failing at yet another part of my life.  I realized something incredibly painful at that very moment:  I was addicted to food and it was making me a prisoner of not only my body, but of my own emotions as well.

Today is day 8 of my new "lifestyle change" and going strong.  Has it been a difficult journey thus far?  Yes!  Have I been angry and starving the entire time? Yes! Am I scared of what's to come? Yes!  Am I consumed with thoughts of giving up and failure? Yes!  Am I truly proud of myself for sticking to my guns and allowing myself to see where this new journey will take me? Yes!

Everything in life worth doing is scary, I (more than anyone else) know this.  Failure is something we as human beings are all afraid of, but it's the fear that drives us to achieve greatness.  I know I deserve greatness, so I will continue to climb on this: My first journey of many to come, over the next little while. I know there will be times I will want to give up but I will gather my strength and push forward the only way any addict can: ONE DAY AT A TIME...

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