Friday, November 19, 2010

Melancholy Ramblings

Have you ever felt as though you had enough strength to conquer the entire world, but barely owned enough courage to win any battles in your own life?  Today, this is how I feel.

I feel completely and utterly drained today.  I barely had enough energy to get out of bed.  I felt an incredible feeling of defeat wash over my entire being, when I awoke this morning.  It's nearly 2 pm and I cannot seem to shake it.  I feel physically and emotionally dead in my own skin today, and truly don't have any idea where I am to draw strength from any longer.

I know that we are suppose to be grateful for all that we are and all that we have, and I do.  Yet, there are days (like today) where I just want to lay in my nice warm bed, surrounded by soft comfortable things and just sulk in my own despair.  I try to be the positive one, the enlightened one, the happy one and the encouraging one.  Today, well today I am not even "the feeling one".  Today I am numb all over.

I decided to go for a drive to clear my mind, when I started looking at all the perfect houses in my neighborhood.  Families getting ready for their day, while others have already begun putting Christmas decor on their doors.  I sat there at a stop sign for a moment and took it all in.  Then, I began to wonder just how many of them were happy.  I mean truly happy with their lives and everything within them.  I began to wonder what it would feel like to be anyone but me.  What it would feel like to truly smile and mean every inch of it.

All I have ever wanted is to be happy within this life and yet, it always proves to be the single most difficult thing for me to achieve.  It infuriates me at times.  I am not one of those people who care to be rich, nor am I someone who longs for a lavish career or lifestyle.  I never have.  All I want is a simple, happy life.  So why is it that the simplest things are the farthest from your grasp? At this point, I honestly think that It would be easier to get rich than it would to be happy.

I don't wish to disrespect my creator in any way for all that he has given to my life thus far.  I am truly blessed, grateful and aware of all I have.  Yet, I just wish I knew what this divine power wanted from me.  Who am I to be?  Where am I to be? Will I ever be enough for myself and those around me?  All these questions I have asked a million times with no reply.

Truth be told, I'm scared.  Scared of so many things, that it disables me in all that I do.  The fear of my unknown future, allows me to abandon my present life. I suppose I have much more to learn in this journey of life, I just wish my lessons were simpler sometimes.  I've been through so much that I don't know how much more I can honestly take. And I honestly don't know what to do next.

God, help me!  Give me the strength I need to keep moving forward.  Allow me to keep believing in my dreams, in people and in this beautiful life that you have so made possible for me.  Keep me focused, keep me real.  Keep my spirit free and light. Carry me now because I truly feel like I can no longer walk alone.

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