A Sad Christmas

Is this what Christmas has come to mean?  GIFTS?

I must say that of all the past Christmas seasons I have been so blessed to share in, this one left me feeling quite vulnerable and sad.  It's been a tough year for many reasons.

It was the very first Christmas that my best friend and I had to spend without her Mother.  For those of you who follow me regularly, you may remember me writing about her passing, back in June.  She loved Christmas and all it represented.  She taught us that the truest meaning of Christmas was about good will toward others and the importance of sharing the day with family.   In her honor we got together in what was once her home and broke bread together on last time.  We toasted her and all took turns sharing memories of her; around the dinner table.  We got through it and even managed to laugh a little.  Yet, although the home was filled with many different voices and some laughter it just wasn't the same.  It was much too quiet.  After all, the one voice that was missing was the most important one of all:  Her voice.

This year without her, I felt lost.

I have always loved Christmas in the past.  Yet, somehow this year was oddly different in many ways.  I was feeling extremely emotional and incredibly touchy about everything.  It actually bothered me that others were exchanging extravagant gifts with one another and I had no part in any of it.  To be honest, I rarely have the resources to ever go out there any buy multiple (expensive) gifts for anyone, but it's never affected me this way before.  So why now?  Why this year? 

I have always been one to strongly hold true to the belief that Christmas is not about gifts but the company.  I still think this way, but I was feeling a lot of self pity this season.  I wanted to do more for those I loved and simply couldn't afford to do so.  I sat by and watched my friends/family open amazing gifts for one another and couldn't help but feel a little envious. I wished so much that I could have given them the gifts that they deserved.  Gifts that could have made them smile equally as grand. Alas, it just wasn't possible.  I was literally uncomfortable and found myself thinking that I just couldn't wait til Christmas was over.  Me?  Can you imagine that?  I absolutely LOVE this holiday/time of year. 

I really don't know what's wrong with me.  It's as if I have forgotten the real meaning of the season.  Perhaps some ghosts should come visit and remind me as they did poor ol' Mr. Scrooge.

I truly hope you all had a better Christmas...