Thursday, December 22, 2016
I believe that looking to the universe for answers about your life, is common this time of year. We believe in the magical sense that Christmas brings along with it and carry much hope for a brighter, happier new year. I am definitely one of those cosmo seekers and as a writer, I am always finding new things to inspire or ignite me. Words that will somehow propel me into the new year with hope.
Yesterday, I stumbled across a new movie called: Collateral Beauty. Making it in theaters, just in time for Christmas, this film is suppose to give you a different spin on how one should look at life. With that message and an award winning cast like: Will Smith, Edward Norton, Kate Winslet, Helen Mirren, Keira Knightley and others, I was overjoyed. I went alone, which was not my initial intention. Yet somehow, it was meant to be that way.
The film had a basic message: That as human beings, we are all here on earth to connect. For each of us there must be a "Why Factor" as to what we are doing here. Only, most of us don't tap into that energy. If we don't we aimlessly go through life, merely existing. So how do we mesh? Easy. We connect with Love, Time and Death. Now these three things connect every single human being on earth. Think about it, and you will realize that it's true. We all long for love, we all wish we had more time and we all fear death."
Throughout the film there were many different story lines, surrounding the main one - all encompassing this main theory. Naturally, it got me thinking about my own life.
Love. As far back as I can remember, I was obsessed with finding it. That higher connection with another human being that spoke to me and warmed my every thought, desire and reason for existence. The only trouble there was that I never truly valued myself in that same light. So how was I suppose to attract that exceptional feeling from someone else, if I didn't first experience that connection with myself?! I was always in and out of relationships that never served me or fueled me, the way I had hoped. I realized (very recently) that I needed to generate that bond with myself - and my creator. To find the truest essence of myself and project that forward.
Time. I always felt like it would never run out. That it would never catch up with me - and yet it has. I first began obsessing with time a month before my 40th birthday. So much so that I had a mental, emotional and physical breakdown. What many call: A mid-life crisis. Only, I didn't respond to it by buying a Ferrari or start dating a 20 something year old. I was really scared. Scared that I didn't have the things in my life that I truly wanted. Scared that there wouldn't be enough time to get them now. After 40, that fear only grew.
Death. I always thought I was abnormal in this area. I obsessed with the thought of this, long before I thought a human being should. But, what did you expect from me?! I lost the single most important person in my life, when I was only 12, and the love of my life when I was 19. My world was shattered, crushed and never to be the same again - at a young age. Death changes you. You hear that a lot, but you can only appreciate it when it happens to you. And time... what a cruel mistress she is. Time doesn't heal all wounds. What a load of shit that is. It only separates and gives space between you and the thing that hurt you. The devastation never disappears. It's only less magnified by this thing. Time. I have thought about dying at least 5 times a day, since I was 25. Abnormal right?! Yet, it won't go away. I used to think: "Who the hell would want to live until they're 100?". Now, I pray that I never die - because I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of how it will happen, who I will leave, when I will go, and will it devastate/change or alter someone else's existence - all because I left them too soon. I'm sad that I don't have a child, to leave my legacy behind to. I think about that all the time.
This film gave me some peace. It gave me other things to think about. To perceive things differently. After all, that's what a film is suppose to do, right? It allows us to leave our own reality behind and consider other possibilities.
I left the theater thinking: Love is all around us. In everything we do, see, touch and feel. It's in our happiness, as well as our sorrow. It's the reason for everything: Wars, Religion, Weddings, Funerals and Pro-Creation. That as human beings we should never try to live without it - because you can't. We were not designed to live apart from love. Time. We all have the same hours and minutes in each day. We have all the time in the world to do what's right - passionately! Each day can seem like we have an eternity of time - or it can be gone in the blink of an eye. It's all how we chose to look at it. The time for everything is NOW! That being a mother doesn't necessarily have to mean that a baby comes out of you - but that you have the ability to touch, nurture and shape a young person's life through all that you do. Death is a cycle of life, as everything else. It doesn't have to be the ending to something, but the beginning of something else. If you choose to live a certain way, you can look at death proudly - Leaving behind something magical.
The purpose in life is to live, to experience everything. To truly see the collateral beauty that is: Love, Time and Death. To know that you can change the lives of everyone you meet - even if you encounter them for only a minute. To live while you are here, because you have all the time you need. To exist in such a way that when you are gone, life will be forever changed - all because you lived.
If you do it right, love, time and death will never change that.....
Sunday, June 12, 2016
It's funny how life is. Some people leave this earth without ever making a sound, while others make thunder. Their impact derived from how they lived their lives while they were here. That determines how loud the noise is when they depart.
The artist known as Prince, was one of those magnificent souls, who gave you a lightening show while he was here, so naturally when he left, he left with a BANG! He was a very important soul in my life and I'm grateful that he lived and loved music/writing as much as he did. It's been truly hard to let go. So, I wrote this, in hopes to help me move on:
It's only been a little while since you left, but it already feels way too long. I haven't had the words to express my sadness, but even if I did, they would pale in compassion to the light that shined so brightly in all that you were. We all mourn in our own way, and take from a life something to carry forward in our own. From yours I take with me many, many lessons: To always believe in God, putting him first in thanks of my gifts and talents, to write every single day, no matter how loud or crazy my thoughts and melodies are, to always be humble and give of myself quietly, to be unmistakably raw, flamboyant and alive in all that I do, and no matter what, to be un-apologetically me- always!
Thank-you, for the incredible life you lived. Thank-you, for the beautiful, hot, sexy and flavorful music you wrote. Thank-you for the incredible musician you were, and for never wavering in your ideals, beliefs and thoughts of how a life is meant to be lived - Upfront and In Colour!
I will love you, always, until the day I leave this earth. Maybe someday, we can play guitar, tickle piano keys and sing together in our own after-world jam session. For the rest of this life (as you once said) "I'm on my own" and dammit, do I plan to get real crazy!!! Sleep tight, and electrify the heavens, as only you can, my dearest Prince. Until then, beautiful one...
R. I. P.
Friday, April 15, 2016
All her life all she's seen
Are the meanest, hurtful things.
That took away her faith of dreams and beautiful things.
She told herself that it would always be like this. That dreams were only for the lucky and the strong.
Now she's older and her wounds have made her stronger than you know.
Where once pain lived,
A heart of steel began to grow.
All her life she was told
She'd be nothing when she grew older.
That's what her fear told her.
All she felt of life were the kicks and all the blows,
But she vowed that someday, the world would know her name,
And in time all the bruises life gave her wouldn't feel the same.
When you've been fighting for your dreams all your life,
When you've been struggling day and night, to make things right,
When fear turns into fire and tears turn into will,
That's what turns a sad, little girl you once knew into a superhero.
And her fear will now drive her,
Instead of keeping her still.
Making wings out of pain,
Where she will someday fly high, again.