Thursday, September 30, 2010

Every Writer Needs A Muse

As of late, I’ve been getting rather frustrated with myself-when It comes to my writing.

It seems that I’ve been hitting something Writer’s call “a writing block” for some time now.
Normally, this wouldn’t concern me because it’s a natural thing for a Writer to go through, but I’ve been going though so many emotions lately that this truly shouldn’t be a problem.  A constant swirl of emotions surround life’s events are usually a Writer’s dream, because it makes for incredible story telling and flow of writing in general. Yet lately for me it’s been a struggle.

Today I promised myself I would write no matter what. Whatever the outcome was, so be it, but it was going to happen.  So I sat here, for a long while and nothing. Sure there are an abundance of topics I could touch upon but nothing called to my heart. Then, it happened...

My nephew: Matthew (a.k.a. Bum Bum), came to my mind, and I was suddenly consumed with thoughts to write about. I shouldn’t be surprised really, as this wonderful creation of life has been my muse on many occasions. It’s incredible how such a tiny little face can make me feel so full of happiness and life. Without words, he gives birth to mine every time. He is always my reason, when things become unclear. I have had this incredible urge to do greatness ever since he was born. In hopes that he may someday look at me the way I always look at him: With pride, adoration and energy only a heart can truly express.

Matty, this one’s for you:

My Little Bum Bum…
I still remember the day you were born
What a crazy April night
We waited and waited for your arrival
And your Mama tried with all her might
To bring you into this world in peace and love
And when you finally came you were truly a miracle from God above.

A picture of perfection in all your glory
You looked at us and smiled
Wide eyed and eager to begin your story
What a ride the first year would be
Both Mama and Papa can attest
A time of diapers, bottles and baby wipes
As far as the eye could see.

Today you look like a little man
With an incredible zest for life
Smiling, running and saying little things
That we are all beginning to understand

You melted my heart from the time you were just hours old
You are now and will forever be my little “Bum Bum”
And always mine to hold

My dearest Matthew, the muse of my words
 I wish for you the most wonderful of all things
Always know that I love you
And truly want for you, the best that life can bring.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

My Road Taken

A few months ago, I decided that after taking a long hard look at my life, several things needed to change.  I am at a point in my life where I think it's time to do some "renovations" or "spring cleaning" if you will.
Many may find it strange but for me, well, I do this every now and again.  It keeps me focused on my dreams and the person I am on this earth to become. It's essentially a time when you look at all aspects of your life and decipher whether or not they are damaging you (holding you back) or allowing you to put your best foot forward.  Generally, for me this means anything from the people surrounding me to mental state of mind. 

After taking a couple of months to collect my thoughts, I realized that I truly needed an entire over haul.  Yet, where does one begin when almost everything in their life is in desperate need of attention?  Well, after many long hard looks in the mirror the answer was always inevitably the same-ME!  I realized that no matter how many changes had to come, or how many dreams I want fulfilled it all begins and ends with me.  The thought in itself was scary.  It's not always easy to look at your life and realize that you are the main reason things aren't the way you'd like them to be.  It's the ol' "can't get out of your own way" syndrome, time and time again.

I realized that no matter what else is to come, I have to be strong enough to follow the entire journey through.  How on earth can I do that if  what is suppose to be the main part of the puzzle (ME) is out of focus?  Naturally this was not going to be an easy task.  For you see, I haven't made myself "my focal point" for many years.  It will prove to be the toughest part of this challenge no doubt.

So, where does one begin?  It all needed help-desperate attention.  My mind is unclear and fuzzy surrounding basically everything.  My emotional state hasn't been good in forever.  My body, well.. yes, it truly needed my love.  Sadly, it hasn't received any love from me in quite some time.  So there was my answer.  My focal point.  No matter what came afterward, my body needed me now, more than ever before.

I decided to do what many have done before me, I hired on a Nutritional team of experts.  This was definitely not an easy task.  There are so many different regimes out there- all of which are too expensive for words.  Yet, how could I put a price on my health?  On my well being and the divine temple that has so faithfully served me (come hell or high water) all these years?  The answer is I cannot.  So I held my breath and dove right in, head first.  I truly had no idea what I was in for.

It began 3 weeks ago with what all Nutritionists call "The Cleanse" It sounds so beautiful in a way.  To clean and free your body of all it's present toxins, in order to become pure.  My temple definitely needed purification, so I thought what the hell!  Dear Lord in heaven, what I went through for the next seven days was incredible.  Now folks, keep in mind that I have never done this type of cleanse before in my life, so I was not at all prepared for what was about to come. 

For the next 7 days no matter what I ate (which was barely anything) went directly through me the next second-literally.  It was anything but beautiful I will tell you that.  The first couple of days I truly thought I was doing something wrong because nothing was happening.  I didn't feel any different and I surely wasn't "purifying myself" in the way I was suppose to (if you understand what I mean here) Then, it came, like a thief in the night.  The flood gates opened and I was introduced to the raw essence of what was named:  "The Cleanse"  It was not pretty.  I barely left the bathroom, not to mention I had the worst migraines I'd had in years.  I felt utterly horrible.  Too dizzy to do much of anything, but enough energy to run to the "Ladies Room" every other second of the day.  It was sheer madness.  This was only day 4!  Then, like a storm, the clouds parted and the rain had ended.  Days 5-7 were peaceful.  When it was over, I truly felt different.  There it was:  My body's "clean state" and I was then ready to begin the next phase of my journey-The Eating Regime!

After some analysis and research into my "physical history" my Nutritionist and Medical Doctor decided that it would be best to put me on a 1600 hundred calorie a day meal plan, to attain great results. The exercise plan was phase three, but for the next 7 days I was to solely concentrate on my eating habits.  Seemed logical enough.  The most important part of this entire process was to understand that what I was about to enter into was what they referred to as a:  "life-style change" and by no means to ever be called: "a diet"  Along with the eating regime comes behavioural classes and seminars that I am to attend once a week to change my pattern of thought when it comes to food and emotions.  Something I can honestly tell you I have linked hand in hand for many years-and not in a good way.  So needless to say I was both happy and excited with my decision to work on my body.  Then, it hit me, 1600 calories a day and portions of food big enough for only a baby to appreciate.  How was I ever going to do this?  What have I gotten myself into and committed to here?  I began thinking about all the things I was going to miss out on.  Scrumptious meals with my family and friends over the next few months, going out for drinks with the girls, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years.  I became very angry.  How on earth am I going to get through this? The negativity definitely began swirlling in my head like a tornado.  I was scared.  Scared at failing mostly.  Failing at yet another part of my life.  I realized something incredibly painful at that very moment:  I was addicted to food and it was making me a prisoner of not only my body, but of my own emotions as well.

Today is day 8 of my new "lifestyle change" and going strong.  Has it been a difficult journey thus far?  Yes!  Have I been angry and starving the entire time? Yes! Am I scared of what's to come? Yes!  Am I consumed with thoughts of giving up and failure? Yes!  Am I truly proud of myself for sticking to my guns and allowing myself to see where this new journey will take me? Yes!

Everything in life worth doing is scary, I (more than anyone else) know this.  Failure is something we as human beings are all afraid of, but it's the fear that drives us to achieve greatness.  I know I deserve greatness, so I will continue to climb on this: My first journey of many to come, over the next little while. I know there will be times I will want to give up but I will gather my strength and push forward the only way any addict can: ONE DAY AT A TIME...

Friday, September 24, 2010

Let There Be Light

May each and every one of you have the most amazing day possible.

Remember to take a moment and walk outside today and pay respects to your higher power, for allowing us beautiful sunshine.

For it brings with it much warmth, joy, happiness and dreams of tomorrow. The sun is most magical in that it can make any troubles meaningless and encourages you to truly get excited about what is to come.

There are always better days to come. They say that there is a time for every purpose under Heaven and therefore it is never too late to dream your dreams; to create yourself and become whoever you were meant to be.

For it is not about what the world wishes you to be, but instead what makes you come alive that truly matters. Always believe it and it shall be.

Go out today and make at least one person smile because in the end, all anyone remembers is how you made them feel.

So always remember the lesson of the sun: You are loved, you are warmed by all those who love you, your soul within this world, nothing short of brilliant.

May you all feel alive today.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Venus vs. Mars

I will never understand at times how we, as people co-exist together in this world. A bold statement, I know, however it truly is something I wonder about quite often. Yet, think about it. Think about it logically for a moment. We are all human beings, each one of us “uniquely different” than the other, but are we? Are we really? At times, I truly don’t believe at times we are at all.  How we do not kill one another: Man vs. Woman I will never know. Despite what we want to believe, men and women are NOT the same, on any level of platform.

I truly believe that in today's society relationships between men and women have fallen into the category of "survival of the fittest" because either party is seldom willing to go "above and beyond" for the other.  More often than not the love and respect elements are rarely ever distributed equally.  In any relationship (friendship or otherwise) one always seems to love more than the other.  Commit more than the other. 

Throughout my life, I have seen and been exposed to many different kinds of men. Attracted to some initially for reasons that I believed were desirable, while others I kept as friends. Ironically enough, more times than not, I would much rather have all the qualities in the kind of men I keep as friends than the ladder. Yet, I always seem to choose or desire the others for myself. I constantly struggle as to why that is so. I’m sure most women (as well as men) do the same. The concept is nothing new, I’m aware of that. We have gone back and forth with it for centuries, but more and more I am deeply puzzled by the idea of it all.

So why are we continuously seeking the “company” of those we least desire more often than not? Myself, I have chosen the same “type” of partner time and time again, knowing full well that certain personalities will not mesh well with my own. It always begins the same way. I find teeny tiny bits of “human traits” that somewhat resemble/mimic my own only to realize in the end we couldn’t be more different. What I cannot understand is how I see it so differently in the beginning stages of it all and always (more often than not) ends with me being “surprised” of the outcome. Yet, keeping the same principles in mind, men who are truly my ideals I always keep them at bay-branding them as “friends”. Very very odd indeed.

Now I do realize that opposites attract in any realm of light. It’s the idea of challenge and change that makes any situation “exciting” however; I think that I’m at a point in my life where I now truly understand that “different” doesn’t necessarily mean “better”. I am entering a “calmer” stage of my life where drama and constant differences in personality is not only too crazy to handle, but ridiculous as well. So ridiculous in fact that I am utterly bored with it. I’m tired of all the fuss it brings.

So is it not easier to be with those who are like you instead? Who “get you” in every way that counts the most? The answers to complicated questions are always simple. Yet, it is we (as human beings) that always look for a difficult solution instead. If the road seems far too easy, it cannot possibly be right. I, for one, have always felt that way. The easy road seems too easy, yet the painful road is the one we always seek comfort in. The one we always seem to want to love. It’s utter madness I tell you. So why do we do it? Continuously over and over again. Why do we always find ourselves in the same kind of situation where we are sitting at a cross road and confused of the paths that lay in front of us? Why do we always second guess that we know what’s best for us? Are we just raised to be this way? Was I raised in fear of trusting that gut?

I can only come to the conclusion that our own sense of “obviousness” changes as we do. What we wanted 10 years ago is not necessarily what we wish for ourselves today. Perhaps last year, the quest for one thing is this year’s monotony. Who knows? Perhaps this is just my way of rationalizing the thought so I don’t sound stupid in my own head. Yet, at the same time, my heart laughs. For she knows the difference and what I have desired and craved all along. That is:

I’m tired of being supportive and not supported. I’m tired of being strong without being shown strength. I’m tired of mundane occurrences and conversations without enlightening ones in return. I’m tired of fighting for things, and not being fought for. I’m tired of lifting spirits and not being raised myself. I’m tired of fighting another’s fears and depressions without being held and comforted of my own. I’m tired of being a gentle, loving soul and not shown compassion and humility. I’m tired of being all they could ever want and never been shown that I’m enough. I’m tired of putting them on a pedestals and knowing that I will never be high enough in their eyes. I’m tired of being anyone’s savoir and never feeling safe. I’m tired of putting them first in any and all situations and not being given that same courtesy-ever! I’m tired of feeling like love’s suicide and not having it ready to die for me. I’m tired of feeling them feel complete and never feel whole. I’m tired of the war between this woman and man.

I truly hope and pray for “selfishness”. That someday soon, I can be for myself all I have ever tried to be for any man.

Sunday, September 19, 2010


Music and words have always been the truest loves of my life.  I don't think I have ever felt so powerful about any one thing ever before.  The only marriage I feel at times I can ever remain faithful to.  The passion I feel for them is indescribable, yet something I always attempt to do.  Truly powerful, no matter the message. 

Throughout my life I have reflected upon many different song writers and felt every word that ever fell out of their pen.  Some become the "loves of the day" others "loves of the month" yet there are only a very special few that remain forever in my life.  The truest one I pay respects to today is none other than: " Eminem"

I have always shared a special bond with this man.  I was a "greatest fan" since the beginning and others had a very slim chance of ever swaying my heart from him.  Through his words we  always connected on such a profound level.  He, a simple guy trying to attain a dream.  Building on a road paved by bricks of his painful life.  I, a simple girl pained and truly touched by ever word; because in my own way (on another level) I was going through the same. 

Throughout, I have always been given a weird look when telling others that this man has been my silent mentor for a good part of my adult life.  As if he was anything but one would call a role model.  Yet, I whole heartedly disagree.  You see, we're all different and one person's peace is another's destruction.  We must all find inner meaning to our lives on any level possible.  Eminem is mine.

Why should society dictate who the "good people" are in this world.  More importantly, why should a man such as this (One whose demons have caused such havoc and turmoil in his life, and regardless of that fact rises from the ashes every time), not be seen as one?  My heart would sooner speak to him.  Yet, he is continuously shunned for the way he chooses to express himself.  Claiming his pain vulgar and offensive to his fans.  Influencing our youth in a negative manner and not fit to be a leader in any way.

Yet is pain not vulgar?  Should we not celebrate the idea that this man looked at his life and tried?  That he did not just throw his hands in the air in failure and say " I'm simply going to be another statistic and simply become a product of the horrible environment I was raised to believe in"  We all know where we've been.  Both the good and the bad places.  Yet to me, what takes true courage and strength are those who refuse to live in that realm of thought.  The empty abyss where depression is king and self-loathing it's concubine.
It shouldn't matter where you've been, but rather where you're going that should have any relevance-no?
I would sooner follow a person like that, than any other.  For these are the true hero's in life.
The world is a cruel judge of character and seldom forgiving of any of us.  However we cannot and should not let that deter us from being who we are at all times.

To the man called " EMINEM "
From the truest centre of me, I thank you for always having the courage to simply be you.  You have and will always continue to cleanse me from my own demons.  Allowing me the strength and courage to stand up and fight my battle of becoming my own individual each day.  Your words are truly epic and have found a way to awaken energies in me that I never felt existed.  Proving that not all addictions are bad.  Let it be known that there are many in this world-ones that others would never realize exist.  It's unreal to me how we all live ( or at least try to) the same way and we are oblivious to one another's pain.  I, as you, feel like a comedian hiding behind a crying clown most days of my life.  It's a role we must play however- to help and comfort others in our lives. In some way it keeps us sane, because we know the reality and the fact that giving into it can kill us slowly a bit every day; if we let it.

When you look back on your life consider all the falls a blessing and all the pain a tool (as you have been doing all along) As you and I both know (so painfully well) that without continual storms there could never be the possibility of  beautiful rainbows.

I know you will never read this, but thank you.  You are my most passionate mentor and one of my truest hero's.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Nael (Nick) Ayoub

***This blog has not been edited, altered or revised***

My dearest Nael,

It’s been 17 years that you’ve been gone, and I still feel like you were here yesterday.
Funny how memories and love for someone are always so real and vivid when they’re gone from your life forever.

In death as in life, I have tried to forget you, because it’s always been much too painful to remember you.
Even today, as I sit here writing you this letter, I am shaking and can barely type these words to you.
Filled with an abundance of mixed emotions – all of which stab my heart repeatedly.
In all this time I have never written or spoken aloud to you for very long simply because it kills me to do so.

To be honest, I’ve never felt worthy of even mentioning your name out loud since your death, because as you know I have always felt very much to blame for it happening at all. Throughout the years, so many of our friends have tried to help me through this. They’ve tried to comfort me with solace or freedom of these feelings. Yet, they will never die and fear that they will remain forever within me.

I suppose this is one of the reasons for this letter to you today. To ask for forgiveness, and to let you know what in life I never had the courage to say. So I pray that today God will lay these words upon your ears, somewhere in heaven.

I remember everything about us, you know. The way we met at our High school dance. The way you spent the next week that followed, looking in every classroom door window on 3 floors looking for me. The look in your eyes when you finally found me. The way you made “mad dashes” from each of your classes so you could run to mine before it ended –so that you could walk with me to the next one. All those stupid dandelion flowers you would bring me at lunch because you thought that I needed something pretty each day and couldn’t afford to get me roses. (I loved them you know. I know you always felt silly because I always laughed when you brought them. However, I giggled not to make fun of you, but to keep from crying over how incredibly adorable you were) I remember how upset you would get at other guys making rude or sexual comments toward me under their breath. How you’d come to defend my honour and tell them: “She’s not like that! This is one girl you treat as a Lady-always” The way you would get on a bus each and every day after school, to make sure that I got all the way home okay (when you, yourself only lived across the street) It would literally take you 40 minutes round trip to take me and get back home yourself and yet you didn’t care. I remember how the two of us got our very first part time jobs in the same mall, so that we could have more time together. (How silly we both looked in those red uniforms) The moment when you surprised me at one of our school dances with a beautiful Amethyst ring-just for me. The one you saw me “secretly” admiring from afar for months. You saved up all your money just to get it for me. I will never forget that moment in all my life. It was my very first promise ring. We danced to our song “Season’s Change” by Expose, because it held so much meaning between us. You said: “This ring means that I love you and always will-because you’re the only one I want to grow old with” Although, it’s a silly thing to say between two young teenage souls I know. Things always change and never remain quite the same, but this was different. In that moment, we knew it would always be that way.

Then, as the song, seasons did change and I allowed fear to enter our lives. There were people all around us that didn’t condone our relationship or understood our love. It challenged us in so many ways and I allowed it to cloud my own judgment. Throughout it all, you never altered or changed who you were with me. Your love, was still undying and forever mine. Yet, I was weak and afraid. Afraid that all I had with you was unreal and never to last. Naturally, it wasn’t what I believed at all, but I was blinded by the hate, blinded by the fear that racism brought to our love. I will never forget the pain I caused us both when it was all said and done. I want you to know that till this day I have never forgotten the look on your face when our relationship came to an end. I know you didn’t see me there, but I watched your face, your eyes, when my friend told you it was over. I was hiding, in the girl’s locker room because I was too afraid to face you. I literally felt our hearts breaking out loud. All I wanted to do was run out to you. All I wanted was you. I knew that then, as clearly as I still feel it now. Yet, I was paralyzed with fear and didn’t do a thing.

The next few years to follow were so difficult. We both went through so many changes because of that one moment in time. All of which were damaging. You changed because of me-as did I. I feel as though I single-handedly took our innocence away and will never feel any differently. You became this rebel, defying anything and anyone in your path. I, well I became lost and will forever remain love’s suicide.

We both went through countless empty relationships-never again finding what you and I once had. I feel I never will.

You couldn’t bare to look at me for years. To be honest I could barely look at myself. You became so cynical when it came to women and love and I’m truly sorry for that. You will never really know how much.

The very last memory I share with you in this life, was sitting together in your Aunt’s donut shop in the Fall of 1991. It was the first time since our love had died, that we ever actually sat together and talked. We spoke nothing of the past, or the present but shared a moment that I will never forget. God, we must have sat there for hours just staring at one another and you holding my hand. I remember how warm it was and how cold mine were. You always warmed me; you said it was “your job to keep me safe and warm” we both laughed again at the thought of it. We sat a little while longer, then we left and I never saw you again. You died the next fall and God forgive me but I truly believe that most of me died with you. After all, we were only 19...

Nael (Nick), you will never truly know the emptiness that I have carried around all these years since your death. I have never been truly whole since you. I have tried so hard to let go of you and the pain/guilt I have always felt for leaving you. Perhaps because It was never my choice to go, but one I was forced to make at the time. Perhaps because I knew in my heart that I would never love anyone ever again the way I loved you. Perhaps because if I never allowed our love to die, then you would still be here. I can’t help but feel like I am the one to blame for all of it: Breaking your heart, being responsible for you never believing in love again, becoming so reckless and causing your life to go down a path of destruction-and inevitably causing your death. I’m never truly at peace. I try to make amends and live my life differently now, but to no avail. I feel like no matter how many times I tell you I’m sorry it can never be enough.

This is and will forever be my truest regret within this life.

I want you to know that I am so blessed and grateful that God loved me that much to bring you into my life. Although, the pain of your death haunts me, I am trying to make peace with it everyday. I’m learning to appreciate rather than to hate Allah for the destiny of you and I. That although you’re gone, at least I had you for a little while.

I know you know this from wherever you stand today, but I wanted you to hear it all from me: I love you, I’ve always loved you. All the things that I believe in today are somehow mirrored by who you were in this life. I hate no-one, I judge no-one. My heart is always worn on my sleeve and care not what others think of the person I am –because I am proud of me, just for me. Racism has no presence in my life. It never will again. I look for that love, that sweetness, that romantic and gentlemanly nature you had in every man I meet. Yet it always falls short. For there will never be another you.

R.I.P. Nael (Nick) N, M, K, Ayoub

I will always love you, Nael

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

A Mid Summer Night's Dream

I've fought this feeling for the longest time

I purposely forgot about loving anyone
Never counting on my eyes ever finding you
And certainly not believing that someone like you could ever be mine

The day you arrived you changed my entire life
Not because you wanted to, but because I had to
I could never imagine my life without you in it
That thought alone would cut me deeper than any knife

I've never felt sunshine so warmly upon my face
Never felt the wind beneath me so freely
It's as if I am seeing the world for the first time through different eyes
No other could have ever brought me to this place

A place of freedom, tranquility and love
Actually believing in fairytales once again
Knowing that our love was made for one another
Written in the stars up above

Someday I shall write a story
The one of You and I
A story created from memories of years gone by
Remembering all the good, all the bad and in-between
Being the envy of others
Knowing that our love story is they best they have ever heard or seen

So tonight I dream of you
Underneath this great big summer sky
Thanking the Lord above for blessing me with all I have
But most of all, for taking the time to create someone as wonderful as you

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Never Forget...Always Remember 9 / 11

This is my own dedication to all the souls of 9 / 11

This morning I woke up without remembrance.

Without knowledge or attention of the day
Not until 8:43a.m. when time approached the hour
When nine years ago today that first plane hit the Tower.

I sit in silence all-alone.
It calles to me like a heart remembering home.
It was that day.
The day of sorrow.
The day of loss, when so many lives had no tomorrow.

I felt so sick for a little while.
Of why I could so easily forget such horror
Especially of a day where so many people had lost their smiles.

I sit here thinking of all souls lost
Perished beneath the ash
And all their loved ones left in wonder
Of all this day had cost

Will they ever forget dear Lord?
As I had for just one moment today
Will there pain and anguish ever subside
Their hurtful memories led astray

I hope and pray so much for this to be
Not that they forget the memories
But all it was that they had to see

Surround them Lord with all your grace
And help their hearts heal
From the terror of that day
When all their hopes for loved ones gone
Their future plans erased

Grant them wisdom and open minds
To see another side to what this day did bring
The love, peace and togetherness
The unity of brotherhood of all those who came to help
Regardless of the color of their skin

Help them to understand and see
That our freedom is a gift
A rich one grown through liberty
That in times like these

No matter how grim our worlds may seem
Help us Lord to always remember
That "even from nightmares
Can be born a dream"

NF AR911 { Never Forget....Always Remember 911}
May All Souls Of This Day R.I.P

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Pages Waiting To Be Born

I've been toying with the idea of writing my first book for a long time now.  The idea both excites and scares me to no end.  I suppose it's because a book exposes the author on so many different levels.  What excites me is thinking about what my words would smell like in printed ink.  Running my fingers over the hard cover and seeing my name next to a title.  However, what scares me is having others look at my naked work and hating it.  I would definitely be one of those Writers that would hide behind the table displaying her books, to see other people's reactions to it.  Biting my finger nails while my heart beats a mile a minute in my chest; anticipating the fate of my attempts. 

If I were to tell you just how many times I began to sit and write this "imaginary book"  I don’t think anyone would believe me. The attempts have been numerous but the outcomes…all the same. I begin with great thoughts then translate them into words my imagination and spirit would be proud of. Then, after several paragraphs I will erase it all because I think it sounds silly.

I suppose that is the biggest flaw many writers have:  The fact that we are our own worst critic. Our moments, private and our words incredibly meaningful to our own soul. The mere thought of strangers dissecting them piece by piece is enough to make a writer go mad.

One of my greatest Mentors once told me that all thoughts are relevant. All words meaningful and that as long as you write them down they could never possibly be forgotten. He also said that all great writers begin feeling the same insecurities of their written words as I am feeling of mine but the most important thing is to write them down nonetheless. To write only for me and the waste basket – as if no one else will ever see it but the creator. That, is the only way true art is born. Therefore, this book would definitely be my first and I hope one of many more to come. Someday soon I will take the wise man’s advice, get out of my own way and  leave myself open to the magic.

I have a good feeling of how I would like it to flow.  The book will be made up of simple words written by a simple girl (moi) who wants nothing more in this world than to live it extraordinarily so. A life of happiness, health, love, humility, balance and inner peace. For there is nothing more rich than living this way. I would truly hope that all those who read it will appreciate and capture its essence.

It would be all about life and its lessons.  All the good, all the bad and everything in between. All of this for the sheer hope that it will perhaps help others lead a great life.

At the end of the day, I write because I wish to be remembered to others for all time.  I would like to think that my words can somehow find those who need them most, at the very moment of their lives when they need to hear them.  If anything I write to touche someone's soul and allow their hearts, minds or spirits to accomplish great things as a result.  Only then I will ever consider myself truly rich.  That one thouht alone gives me more than any dollar could ever buy.  That being said, I don't write for the money-ever.  I write for me and for all of you.  For when life is all said and done, people will forget everything about you; except the way you made them feel. 

So regardless of my fears, I believe I am ready to embark upon this journey. 

Wish me much luck my dear friends - I shall need it!

Friday, September 3, 2010


I was standing in line this early morning, waiting to pay for my latest “Eat Clean” magazine. One which I gladly promote and give complete support to, may I add. At this point I was very much into the pages of the magazine, excited to see what this month’s issue entertained, when I heard the gentleman in front of me commenting to the lady in front of him (who was being served by the cashier) that he didn’t believe her choice of breakfast was in her best interest. “Do you think that someone like you should be eating that kind of thing Miss? “ Were the words he chose to use. It wasn’t so much what he said that got my attention exactly, but the snarl in his voice when he said it. At which point I leaned over to see what all this morning madness was about. Then it hit me, clear in the face. The woman was mildly overweight and she had picked up 2 donuts, a brownie, chocolate milk and a bottle of water. Therefore, based on the spread in front of us along with the heavy set woman purchasing it I understood what the gentleman meant by his comment. I immediately thought to myself: “How incredibly rude it was of this man to not only make such an asinine comment, but to go out of his way to possibly ruin this woman’s day.

It makes me insane when people don’t take a person’s feelings into consideration. On one hand perhaps if the comment was made in a different tone, to take on a sweet concerned breath of speaking-maybe just maybe it could have been appreciated. Yet truly, I don’t believe a comment of that nature could ever been taken in a good way – especially when it’s made by a stranger. I will never forget the look on that poor woman’s face as she collected her items (and her dignity no doubt) and ran out of the store. I must admit I felt a small fire stirring deep within me, at that very moment.

The ironic thing was what transpired next. The gentleman proceeded to the counter to be served next, with me behind him. What does he order- Cigarettes. Immediately, I felt something inside me jump and it just came out: “ Umm, excuse me Sir, but do you really think that someone like you should be buying cigarettes?” At that moment I saw the clerk sport a big smirk on his face and a wink in my direction. Evidentially, the man was anything but pleased with me. He swung around and said: “Excuse me, what the hell is that suppose to mean Lady? Mind yer’ damn business” I went on to tell him that I was simply looking out for his best interest, not to mention his health and that I felt the need to speak up because of how incredibly bad smoking is for anyone. At some point throughout this entire ordeal, there was another lady who had entered the store and was lined up right behind me. She gave me a little nudge whispering: “At a girl, you tell him” The man turned around to look at me once again, but as he opened his mouth about to make his rebuttal to me, I interrupted him and told him that I was simply returning the favour of “constructive criticism” as he so kindly did for the Lady in front of him; moments ago. He stood there for a moment in silence, then looked up one last time and left the store with his cigarettes.

My intention was not to make this Man feel badly, but instead I wanted him to stop and reflect, for just a moment, on what he did – just moments ago. His intent was not genuine. Not in my book. The way he came across (loud and vulgar) was nothing short of rude and insensitive.

We all have our short comings, and no single individual should ever make anyone feel like they deserve less than another. This should never be our place in life. One’s own circumstances are just that – THEIR OWN. No one could ever possibly comment on someone’s life or situation, without truly knowing the road or journey they have traveled. Sadly, we all need to be reminded of such things every now and again – myself included. No one is perfect.

Perhaps she was purchasing those items for her “office buddies” as a Friday morning (end of the work week) treat. Perhaps they were for her family, as well as herself. Whatever the case may have been, he had no place to be hurtful and make her feel less than worthy.

As human beings I believe we lack a general respect for one another in today’s society. We need to get back to caring about others, as well as ourselves. There is no excuse for insensitivity of inflicting pain with sheer intent on anyone or anything. It’s simply inhumane. I for one cannot and will not tolerate it in my presence. I treat others with respect or at the very least a genuine common courtesy and I absolutely expect the same from others in return. I know this will not always be the case, but if you don’t stand up for what you believe in or for those who cannot for themselves, then this world will always remain in a great deal of pain.

Thursday, September 2, 2010


I wrote this song a long time ago. It was never finished until now. Ironic how some things never leave our memories. I am planning on collaborating with a few brilliant minds to make this song come alive with music. We shall see what transpires.  Until then, I hope you all enjoy the effort.

Verse 1

You said you’d never leave me
Or break my heart again.
You said that you’d stay by my side,
Until the very end
But now I look around and you’re already gone,
I can’t help but sit here and wonderin’ what went wrong.

Verse 2

How could my heart have tricked me?
Deceived me about our love
You promised to be my everything
The one my soul dreamed of
How could this be happening?
How could you just walk away?
My heart and mind keep struggling between what is real and illusion since that day


Am I just a fool – Love’s Fool
To have ever thought I meant more to you, than what I did
Am I just a fool – Love’s Fool
Or was it just your manly charm that made my heart settle for the lowest bid

Verse 3

Now I sit here all alone
Counting all my wasted tears
They leave no echo of where they fall
Looking around at what I once believed was ours
Now has no image of you in it at all

Verse 1

You said you’d never leave me
Or break my heart again.
You said that you’d stay by my side
Until the very end
But now I look around and you’re already gone
I can’t help but sit here and wonderin’ what went wrong


Am I just a fool – Love’s Fool
To have ever thought I meant more to you, than what I did?
Am I just a fool – Love’s Fool
Or was it just your manly charm that made my heart settle for the lowest bid.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


I don’t understand what becomes of people when they get into a relationship. It’s as if we all go deaf, dumb and blind for some strange reason. I am generalizing of course, and I am well aware that we do not all fall into this judgement. However, the number of people who do is astounding. I think we’ve all been there a time or two in the past, haven’t we? We are fine, just fine on our own. Then, we meet someone and grow to like them a great deal. We begin to date and all of our common sense is soon lost. I suppose my question is this: Why do we allow our relationships change who we are and what we believe in?

In my circle of friends I am the “go to girl” when it comes to relationship issues. There is one in every group and I believe it helps out a great deal to have someone who is your “pillar of strength, encouragement and hope” at all times. I am actually blessed because I have two, and boy do these individuals have their work cut out for them (LOL). Lately, I’ve had a number of others turn to me with relationship woes and I literally sit there and scream on the inside. I think to myself: “Ok, are we really and truly that afraid to be alone, that we allow others to come into our lives and cause havoc? “ Now, keep in mind that I am not talking about normal “run of the mill” issues that occur in day to day relationships. We all have them and folks regardless of what anyone else will tell you (professionally or otherwise) relationships are hard work. Yes, that’s right, work. It’s never easy, no matter what situation you’re in. The love part is and should be “a given” but the rest…well the rest needs a lot of nurturing and effort. Some things however, like: mutual respect, common goals and being able to be yourself cannot and should not be compromised. At the end of the day, we have a responsibility to ourselves to look after our own well being. Others may feel onus to that responsibility as well, but let’s be real, we have invested interest on that front.

So let us do a “sanity check” shall we:

If the person you are with says: “I love what we have and don’t wish to change that, so you shouldn’t get so angry when I flirt with others” THAT’S DISRESPECTFUL TO YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP. WHAT DO YOU THINK? YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE THE BEST OF MY WORLD AND ENJOY EXPLORING OTHER WORLDS TOO? HELL NO!!! This a loving relationship does not make. I’m sorry.



If the person you are with deceives you by neglecting to disclose important sexual information such as: Having more than one partner at a time and claiming he is solely with you so why is their need for protection. Pretending to be on birth control so that protection is not required during sex. Claiming that the reason they are always home with your roommate before you get there, simply because they watch “the soaps” together waiting for you to get home. IS DECEIT MY FRIENDS. SOME OF IT CAN BE FATAL. BEING SEXUALLY ACTIVE WITH MORE THAN ONE PARTY AT A TIME MEANS THAT YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO YOURSELF AND THOSE YOU’RE WITH TO BE PROTECTED AT ALL TIMES. NOT DOING SO, OR NEGLECTING TO DO SO FOR YOUR OWN ENTERTAINMENT IS NOT ONLY ENTRAPMENT BUT MURDER.


There are so many more that I could elaborate on but sadly, they are even more asinine than the ones I have chosen to list above.

On a serious note, I do wish at times that there were classes dedicated to learning about being in positive relationships in high school, university or college. I truly believe that they would have been beneficial to all of us. I know that at times we loose who we are in others and our self worth becomes compromised, but we must always be a little selfish when it comes to taking care of ourselves. It’s allowed..I swear. Take it from someone who knows all too well how hard it is to put yourself first. It’s a MUST in all facets of life. I don’t mean in a way that is cruel, deceitful or malicious to other human beings, but in a manner that projects to others that you love, honor and respect yourself in every way. That no one in any area of life has the right to take or challenge that. EVER! A wise man once said: “Never allow anyone to ever own the definition of who you are. That task only belongs to you” A task we should all learn to master.

So let us never allow someone to take away our light.