It's that time of year again, where I get older. Turning 45 yesterday was very bitter sweet. In fact, it was down right depressing. In one instance, I'm grateful to God that he's blessed me to make it to 45, as tragically others don't. But, I couldn't help feeling terrible in another. There seemed to be a constant list forming in my mind of ALL the things I haven't done and don't have. Do I have regrets? Hell Yes! Am I proud of all the fiery, ashy holes that I've been able to rise from? Absofuckinlutely! But for some reason, I felt the most alone that I have ever felt. A strange feeling really, because I have so many people in my life who care about and love me. But isn't that the rub? How you can feel utterly alone, even then.
Last year at 44, I was more excited about what was to come than I am today.
This year, I'm just feeling unsettled of my surroundings and all the scary things that can happen in the blink of an eye. But, God has been really good at getting my inner voice to remind me - so can the good things. What made it worse, all the loving, adorable, sweet people in my life (those who actually remembered it was my birthday, that is), trying to reassure me of all my blessings, of how life could be worse, that we all have regrets and to stay positive. I know this already and I love you for the encouragement but, if I hear this one more time - I'm going to scream!!!
I know that Instagram is made for positive, inspirational people, filled with perfectly, flawless pictures and everyone living their spectacularly grand lives but today, I give you reality. I too could sit here and tell you all of that but I'm just not feeling it right now. So instead of pretending, I'm being truthful. We all feel this way from time to time and it's OK to voice it. It isn't weird or shameful to do so. Nor should it be embarrassing to lay it all out there on line. It just means we're human beings, not afraid of some "real talk".
So, I'm telling you all (strangers and friends alike) that I'm scared.
I'm scared of not knowing if I will have enough time to fulfill my dreams. Scared of not touching enough people's lives with my writing or my presence in their life, before my is over. I'm scared of the absence of time. Of not knowing just how long those I love and cherish will be here with me. I'm so scared of thinking about how I'm ever going to make it through my life without the constant, unconditional, unwavering love of my Mom and Dad. I'm scared of how long I have, until another big anxiety attack rears it's ugly head and takes away some days, months away from me again and shatters any courage I've managed to build up in my reserves. I'm scared of all the real things that we're scared of as we age.
This is my truth today, as it was yesterday. But, I'm hopeful that tomorrow will be brighter and that I am blessed to have a great year, changing / touching peoples lives.
Here's to happy, meaningful tomorrows for us all....