FOR A WRITER'S HEART

With the author's permission, I am sharing a poem that was beautifully written to me.  I am so deeply moved that one of my "followers/fan" took the time to write this to me.  I truly appreciate all that it took to send it and admire your strength.  It left me completely captivated and in "awe" of it's contents. 

As a Writer, I truly appreciate the beauty of words and what it means to have the courage to share them.  I am touched and humbled by the gesture.  It means a great deal to me that I can be a muse for others to create upon.


I woke up this morning with thoughts of you
As last night I dreamt of all the joy we shared together


I would swallow the ocean to get to you……. my love
And sell the salt to buy you pearls from a gypsy near the sea


I thought of you last evening
As I walked by the lake of serenity
Then I blew a soft kiss into the warm wind for you


Hoping you would be sitting there
waiting for it to touch your lips


I walked by the lake with you in my thoughts
I then picked up a stone that I skipped across the water


Wishing that it would make it across the river to you
And watch it change into a beautiful butterfly ....landing on your white hat


I thought about you last day in the middle of the storm
And afterwards the rainbow formed a colorful painted sky


I imagined the sky to be our canvas the clouds our paint
And wind as the invisible brush
I made a bridge joining the clouds to see you


And I asked the angels to help me build it for you to make it strong
As I want to reach you with all of my passion


When I get there my dear I will run to you….I will see only you
As I pass through the morning light…the eyes of the sun
And hold you up and lift you into my world

 yvan

LETTING YOU IN



Sometimes we must let others in.  Sharing yourself with the world is never a bad thing!


 As promised some time ago, I agreed that every now and again, I would reveal more about who I am as a person.  I would like to say right off that I am utterly flattered with all the mail that I get from all of you.  It's incredibly overwhelming (in the best of ways)  To say that I ever thought I'd be receiving an abundance of letters/emails and comments regarding interest in myself or my writing would be an outright lie.  I humbly thank you all for all your love and support throughout this year and hope that 2011 will bring us closer together.

I've decided to write this second "Intimate and Interactive with the Writer" piece a little differently.  Most of you who have written, asking to know more about me, have made it clear that you would like "your questions" answered.  So I've decided to oblige.  For this session, I've decided to take a few of the more "popular questions" you all had and answer them accordingly.  Keep in mind that I cannot answer all today, but will in sessions to come.  Here we go:

What are my thoughts on Astrology?  Well, I must admit that I believe there is truth to it.  It may not always be "bang on" every time for all, but I cannot deny that things have come to pass as predicted quite often.  Anything can be given hope/power if we allow it.  That's something I have always held true to.  So yes, it may be a silly thing to read your Horoscope each day to some, but if it makes you smile/feel good I say why not!  We all need a little direction every now and again.  If anything it brings hope or alertness to your day.  I'm a Sagittarian according to Astrological beliefs, and can say that my nature is extremely similar to what they describe my personality to be like.  So there you have it!

What kind of music influences my writing?  For the moment I would have to say:  Jazz.  There is something about the rhythms of:  Chris Botti, Miles Davis, John Coltrane and Ella Fitzgerald (to name a small few) that just make me want to create!  Yet there are other creative minds like: Eminem, Erykah Badu, Justin Nozuka, India Arie, Amel Larrieux and Musiq Soulchild (to name a few) that are equally inspirational for me.  More often than not, there is always music playing in the background as I write.  It soothes me.

What kind of books do I read?  I am all over the map when it comes to reading.  I love it so much!  I try to experience a bit of everything whenever I can.  Like my music, I go through different phases in my life where I completely engulf myself in one area and next month will be in love something entirely different.  Nevertheless, here are some favourites:  Margret Atwood, Shakespeare, Susan Johnson, Ken Follet, Arthur Miller, J.D. Salinger, Jack Canfield, Anthony Robbins, Oscar Wilde, John Grisham, Dan Brown and Khaled Hosseini.


What is my favourite movie of all time?  There are two actually.  Gone with the Wind and Meet Joe Black.  I'm completely enthralled with "old Victorian Day" epic films; as well as movies that have any true meaning of life behind them.  I like to "learn lessons" whenever I read or watch something.  So I seldom do either if it will not give me that.  Therefore, it can be said that I rarely watch television.  I don't feel as though there is anything on worth watching these days!

Am I addicted to anything?  Yes, sadly I am. Food and Love.  Both share a very powerful presence in my world.  The two have governed most of my life and I must confess that it bothers me to have to admit that.  Nevertheless, it is true.  I am not ashamed of who I am in any way.  It is a constant battle/struggle for me to keep them both at a normal/positive distance from my life.  I have allowed them both to make wrongful decisions for me.  Decisions that I have not always been proud of.  At the best of times it's brought me some form of happiness, but at the worst of times it's allowed me to settle and remain in toxic situations for too long.  Too much of anything is never good.  That's what my Grandmother used to say.  Too much of anything will surely kill you, and I think she may be right!

I believe I shall stop here for today.

Before ending I would like to comment on two things briefly:  I want you all to know that I truly enjoy all of your comments (both here on the blog and those I receive from you by email) It means a lot that you all come here each day and share my life with me.  I know I haven't been writing as often lately, but I promise to do some more regularly in 2011.  With that being said, I can appreciate that the topics discussed here can and do fuel debates and conversations between us all.  All I ask is that you be respectful of me and one another while doing so.  Allow everyone their own suggestions and opinions.  I promise I will try not to be hurt by any of them.  I do not have an Editor or Moderator for my page and do not wish to go that route ever!  The intention of this page is to share freely all it is I feel.  To bring you all along on the journey and adventures that I call "my life".  There will be days where I will not be "grammatically or politically correct" in my pieces and so be it.  My writing has always been and will remain what it is - naked!

Finally, to my "newest dear friend" Red:  Congratulations on your new blog page.  I'm so proud of you.  I'm glad I could be your muse.  I'm utterly flattered!  I encourage you all to visit and join her page. 
http://www.diaryofmypersonaltruths.blogspot.com/

Thank you to all those of you who have taken an interest in this Lady.  I truly hope I never disappoint you!

A Sad Christmas

Is this what Christmas has come to mean?  GIFTS?

I must say that of all the past Christmas seasons I have been so blessed to share in, this one left me feeling quite vulnerable and sad.  It's been a tough year for many reasons.

It was the very first Christmas that my best friend and I had to spend without her Mother.  For those of you who follow me regularly, you may remember me writing about her passing, back in June.  She loved Christmas and all it represented.  She taught us that the truest meaning of Christmas was about good will toward others and the importance of sharing the day with family.   In her honor we got together in what was once her home and broke bread together on last time.  We toasted her and all took turns sharing memories of her; around the dinner table.  We got through it and even managed to laugh a little.  Yet, although the home was filled with many different voices and some laughter it just wasn't the same.  It was much too quiet.  After all, the one voice that was missing was the most important one of all:  Her voice.

This year without her, I felt lost.

I have always loved Christmas in the past.  Yet, somehow this year was oddly different in many ways.  I was feeling extremely emotional and incredibly touchy about everything.  It actually bothered me that others were exchanging extravagant gifts with one another and I had no part in any of it.  To be honest, I rarely have the resources to ever go out there any buy multiple (expensive) gifts for anyone, but it's never affected me this way before.  So why now?  Why this year? 

I have always been one to strongly hold true to the belief that Christmas is not about gifts but the company.  I still think this way, but I was feeling a lot of self pity this season.  I wanted to do more for those I loved and simply couldn't afford to do so.  I sat by and watched my friends/family open amazing gifts for one another and couldn't help but feel a little envious. I wished so much that I could have given them the gifts that they deserved.  Gifts that could have made them smile equally as grand. Alas, it just wasn't possible.  I was literally uncomfortable and found myself thinking that I just couldn't wait til Christmas was over.  Me?  Can you imagine that?  I absolutely LOVE this holiday/time of year. 

I really don't know what's wrong with me.  It's as if I have forgotten the real meaning of the season.  Perhaps some ghosts should come visit and remind me as they did poor ol' Mr. Scrooge.

I truly hope you all had a better Christmas...

A Birthday Wish From Me...To Me

HAPPY 37TH BIRTHDAY GIA GIRL!!

Today is my birthday and I am blessed that God has allowed me 37 glorious years to be alive.


I have never been one to cry over numbers or wish my day away as “just another ordinary one” in all my life. I never really understood why people do that anyway. How can anyone see the day they were born as “just another day”? It’s anything but that in my books. Whether your life is not as you pictured it or if it’s been one downward spiral after another, this is still “YOUR LIFE” and each birthday is a reflection of that fact.
It’s the day when God granted the world the sheer gift of having you within it. A divinely perfect creation; born into an exceptional resemblance of existence.

When I awoke this morning I felt a new zest of freedom. Do I feel it every year? No, not really. However, today’s initial “birthday feeling” was different in some way. It’s been a really tough year for me in so many ways, yet I am truly hopeful for the future-my future. My best friend wrote me a beautiful little message today and in the midst of it, these beautiful words came out to greet my twinkling eyes: “You deserve to be happy” My first reaction was: “Damn right I do” and I intend to see to it personally this year. It hasn’t been
my most happiest of years, but the next one will. This is my birthday wish for myself – to make myself happy. It’s not to mean that I had a completely miserable year –no, not at all. However, I just don’t believe that I paid much attention to myself or my inner voice in the way I should have. I’m always the person who does for others and if there is any time or energy left perhaps I will muster up the effort to do for me – last. Your happiness is always more important than mine. That is just the way I’ve been designed by my creator. However, this year I want to spend a little more time on "moi".

Today, I wanted to thank God for all my blessings and all my fortunes. I am a truly lucky individual to have all that I do within this life. I have a wonderful family and the very best of friendships that anyone could ever dream of. I have a fulfilling career and an aspiring one – thanks to all of you. I have a really positive outlook on life and honestly believe that all my dreams can come true. Most importantly, I am renewing my health each and every day. That gift in itself is priceless. For what is anything in this life if you don’t have that? Nothing at all!

So thank you to God for creating such vibrancy inside of this simple girl. Thank you for always illustrating that love truly can conquer all in a world that’s sometimes painted ugly. Thank you for never giving up on the person I can be, even when I don’t think she’s much at all. Thank you for giving me the strength to go after my dreams no matter what the odds and allowing me the courage to accept the things I cannot change. Thank you for allowing me the vision to believe in myself. Most of all, thank you for making me see what I was meant to do on this earth. Thank you for granting me this gift of words to share and express with all those who will listen. To know that they can touch and comfort others in some small way is truly remarkable to me. That is all I have ever wanted to do – help others in any way that I can. So God, use me up until I am all used up!

A special “Happy Birthday Wish” to two wonderful ladies with whom I share this day with: Angie & Daniela . I am so thrilled to be sharing this wonderful day with you both. Thank you for always being there for me and showing me what strength truly is, in every way. So a toast to the three of us! May this truly be “our year to shine in every way” All my love forever! Happy, Happy Birthday to us all!

A woman approached me the other day and wanted to share how much she has truly enjoyed my writing over the years.  She told me that she has read individual thoughts before, but for some reason mine really touched her.  For years I always wondered what that moment would feel like.  When someone you barely know approaches you and tells you that something you've done has touched them in such a way that truly unexplainable.  I thought about what I would say, how I would react, but one is never quite prepared for such an event - at least I wasn't.  What I can say is that I was incredibly humbled by the entire experience.  However nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen next.

The woman began speaking to me about her family.  She told me about her daughter, then her son and how proud she was of them and all they have meant to her.  Then she told me about her husband.  As she spoke I began to notice how tears filled her eyes.  Then suddenly, they cleared and her face exuded a love and warmth I could barely explain with mere words.  She told me how much she loved him and how he truly made both her and her family unit whole.  She spoke with such love for this man, in a manner that I haven't heard anyone refer to their other half in all my life.  In a world filled with so much cynicism surrounding love and marriage, here was a woman who could truly show everyone how it's really done!  She was the epitome of what those two words were truly about.  It was utterly beautiful and I am so thankful to have been part of it all.

Then, she asked me how I would feel about writing a eulogy for him.  The look on my face must have spoken volumes because the next thing she asked was if I was alright.  Then it suddenly made sense, the tears in her eyes when she spoke of him, the glow of love that filled her face when she told me about him and now the eulogy. "He must be ill", I thought. So I decided to ask her.  She said that he was in perfect health, but that he is such a great man and didn't want to "misrepresent him" when the time came.  I stood in "awe" of this woman as she stood there and went into great detail about her life with him.  How lucky she was to love a man as much as she did and more importantly, how much she was loved in return.

I have often wondered if real love like that actually exists.  I certainly have written about it, I've definitely dreamt of it and I have always hoped to both give it and find it in my own life someday.  Yet, as much as I have ever dared to dream of such a thing, I was so delighted to finally have the answer smack me straight in the face.  Oh, and what a beautiful blow it was.  There truly is hope for love out there.  Love, in it's truest form does exist.  Even in a world filled with so much negativity surrounding it.

The entire thing actually made my heart smile.  I loved sitting there watching her every emotion come alive while she spoke of their love.  Wondering if I would ever speak about someone like that.  More importantly, wondering if anyone would ever speak of me that way.   Nevertheless, it was a very comforting thought that it is absolutely possible.

I told the woman that it would be my honor and distinct pleasure to be a part of their love.  When the time comes ( may it be a million years away) I will do my best to represent in words all that this man had come to mean to her -within this lifetime.  Having met her and hearing about this beautiful love, I truly do not believe I could ever put into words all that they have shared...but I will do my best to try. 

She looked at me and smiled.  " After reading your words and having the opportunity to know a little bit about the woman you are, I wouldn't dare dream of asking anyone else.  You are just the person to express my love"  Those precious words were followed by the longest, deepest and sweetest embrace I had felt in a long time.

A special thank you to that woman.  She reminded me why I ever wanted to write in the first place. 

Holly Jolly Christmas

The Truest Meaning Of Christmas..

Christmas brings with it many gifts: Forgiveness for the past, courage for the present and hope reborn for the future once again. No matter what is going on in our lives it always reminds us that the little things in life are always what matter most of all. It makes us stop to smell the roses and live for today simply because tomorrow may never come. It truly allows us to see that the only riches in life we should ever strive for are: Love, peace and humility because these are riches that will always weigh more than any gold.

This Christmas I pray that we are all granted the highest of blessings that last us a lifetime through. Strength to accept whatever comes, knowledge to feed our minds and fuel our souls, family and friends continuously gathered in good health around our tables; filling our rooms with laughter and cheer, imaginations to create memories that grow more treasured with each passing year and finally, that our hearts are brightened with the richest of loves: One of self, mankind and God above.

Wishing you all a wonderful Christmas season!



Pedometers...don't leave home without one!

 I recently bought myself a pedometer, as a direct suggestion from my nutritionist.  I'm sure you've all seen them or at least heard of them.  It's one of those things that you set up, clip onto your clothing and begin walking.  It's purpose is to measure exactly how many steps one actually takes, on any given day.  Or, in my case how many steps I don't take on any given day. 

I began on Monday morning.  I woke up, showered and got ready for work.  Before leaving home, I set it up (entering your weight/height) clipped it onto my pants and began my day.  This one is actually really neat because it will buzz you each time you've hit a 1000 steps and will also mark how many calories you burn as you go along.  On this day, I am sad to report that I never got " a buzz".  I waited and must have checked on it a million times a day.  Nothing extraordinary happened.

By Wednesday, I had gotten used to the idea of clipping it on the moment I got out of bed and before long I was feeling that beautiful "buzzing vibration" that I'd been hearing so much about.  It was really motivating to check on it and see the progress.

By Friday morning, I was on cloud 9.  I had broken all my records of the days past and was looking forward to doing even more the next day. 

Here I sit, Sunday morning, and I just had to communicate to all of you just how wonderful this little mechanism is.  When I began using it on the first day I felt down and depressed almost, because of how low my numbers really were.  What I didn't realize at the time is how that number would motivate me to change things for the rest of the week.  I would never have imagined that something like a pedometer would actually inspire me to move more and feel great.  I am nowhere near the recommended "10,000" steps per day, but am fully conscious of the fact that I must more toward that goal each and every day.  I realize that I have a very inactive workday, but it only means that I need to motivate, encourage myself and keep focused on the idea that I need to "get up and move" more each and every day.  I know that soon enough 10,000 steps will seem too low for me to live with on any given day and will strive for more. 

I truly recommend all of you to get one.  You'd be surprised how much it will change your way of thinking.
I learned a lot this week after wearing it.  It's opened my eyes to a lot of different things - especially to the fact that no matter what you've got going on in your life, YOU must always matter most of all.

The True Price For Sex

Will Ontario make "Prostitution" legal in Ontario?

With all of the more relevant issues surrounding our society today, our Government's concern is trying to legalize life's oldest profession. 

I am not the kind of person who persecutes or passes judgement however, I believe that this will bring much more pain than it will pleasure.  Technically, Prostitution is already legal in Canada (as a whole) but the surrounding aspects of it is still very much illegal. 

Like drugs and alcohol, sex is very much a powerful addiction.  One that is seldom heard of or cared about.  What will this mean for the "Sex Addict" exactly?  It will mean that these individuals can freely and openly act out on their addiction daily - without remorse.  Most Addicts find it hard (if not impossible) to refrain from indulging in their additions in a normal arena, much less an "open forum"  Not all Addicts give into their poison but let's face it, most do.  In all truth, if a drug/alcohol Addict never had another drop of liquor or drug ever again in their lifetime they would survive.  Sex, on the other hand is very much a different story.  It ties in (once again) with our basic fundamental needs.  As human beings we cannot simply go on in our everyday lives without it.  It can be done, but it's not recommended or healthy.  I feel for the Addict. Not only for them but more so for the individuals which surround their lives.  What will they do?  They barely have control over the addiction as it is.  Now they have another "dangling carrot" in the horizon.  It must feeling incredibly overwhelming.  Basically fighting a losing battle.

Yet, like tobacco companies, if  Prostitution is "fully legalized" in this country it will only mean more revenue for the Government.  True or false?  We are all aware that the Government has the power to ban stuff that is unhealthy for us ( like cigarettes) but they don't - especially when it generates billions of dollars each year.  Still, they spend an obscene amount of money on ad campaigns each year promoting healthy lifestyles. 

Will this mean that we will be seeing Prostitutes in our residential areas?  Yes.  Will this mean that our neighbourhoods may in fact become unsafe for our children to freely roam around it?  Possibly.  Will crime be on the rise if this profession is in fact legalized? Absolutely!  Let's face it folks, Prostitution itself may not be considered an "out-right crime" however, there are a mine field of criminal activities that go hand in hand with the entire idea.

I wonder if paying for sex will also include H.S.T. attached to it?  Hmm...

Another avenue that truly saddens me about this entire ordeal is that more and more women will be exploited.  Women are already forced into this sort of lifestyle because it's an easy means to a great income.  How many more will suffer because they are just too weak to walk away from it all? 

I truly hope there is a great deal of consideration that will go into making a decision of this calibre.  Sadly, something tells me that once again, the Government will give into "pressures" and allow it to happen.  I'm not sure about you, but I think there is a huge price we will all be paying for sex. So let us have a voice now, before it's too late to be heard.

Visions of Christmas Dancing In My Head

This has got to be my most favourite time of year.  It has been ever since I was very little.
It's a time of year where I truly believe that good things can happen.  Especially if things have been rough over the past year, Christmas always gives you that extra bit of "hope and encouragement" to hold on to your faith of everything.

I truly believe that as people, we either hate Christmas or we love it.  There really is no in-between.
I don't get all caught up in the hustle and bustle of shopping, as it's not really my thing.  However, I do love the store decor in the display windows.  I love the snow (when I'm not driving in it)  I love the way my home is always filled with the smell of cookies baking in the oven, or the fragrance of apple cinnamon candles burning.  I love the tree, the wreath and all the lights.  It just all seems so magical.

Most of all, I love it so, because I was always brought up in a household that believed in it.  Christmas was always an incredible sight in my parents home.  My Mom always went out of her way to have the entire house filled with Christmas decor.  My Grandmother always telling Christmas stories, teaching us what the true meaning of it all really was.  It was wonderful!  If you haven't had great memories of the season growing up than I believe that you will never have that love for it within your life.  However, once you've experienced just one happy memory of it, you will change your mind forever.

As I learned so very long ago, this is a time when the year truly begins.  A time when we can start anew and truly become the individuals we've always wanted to be.  Begin some charity work, help others in any way you can, laugh hard and often, and always show kindness and forgiveness to all those you meet.

So in honor of the season, I have made up some poems in hopes to get everyone in the mood.  It will not be uncommon to see them often throughout the coming month, so be fore-warned!
I hope you enjoy them..

As we grow up why do we loose that "Christmas Thrill"

Why are we too busy to decorate the tree,
Make Christmas cookies,
Send cards,
And sing carols with happiness and glee

Remember Christmas time as a child?
A time when everything was so pretty in white
One of snowmen and snow angels
And laughing uncontrollably as we had snowball fights

The feeling we used to get in our tummys
When Mommy said: "It's time to put up the tree and have some egg nog too"
And the excitement we felt when we looked at all the presents
Especially those that Daddy said were all for you


We are so quick to dismiss most things that Christmas represents
And I'm not just speaking of the obvious things
Like decor, mistl toe and presents

But rather the kindness of heart that this season should bring
To remember those who are less fortunate than you
To be kind to others as you walk on by
Perhaps with a smile, or holding open a door
Or by simply remembering to say I love you too.

So this year try and remember what this time of year has always meant to you

Get excited and allow your soul to be filled with Christmas magic
Allow yourself to love, to share and to be the happiest you have ever been with family and friends
For if you put it off until next year, because you are too busy
You will miss out on all the memories you could have created that may not be possible next Christmas
And wouldn't that be tragic....

This year when I contemplate about what Christmas means,
I confess that I will not have to think for long
Because you have all given me more than I could ever imagine or ask for
Your love, your kindness and your support
With all of this, how can this girl ever go wrong...

Wishing you all a Christmas filled with laughter, love and light,
A feeling of warmth and togetherness
That exceeds your appetite

And when Christmas is over
Remember all you've learned from my poem this year
And carry it with you in the months to come
So your life with always be filled with an abundance of happiness and cheer

Broken Love

No matter how hard I try

I cannot seem to fix what's broken

With pain and heartache all around me

Will I ever forget the words left spoken

After all that you have meant to me,

I cannot believe you say the things you do

I've given you my heart and the best parts of who I am

Yet your words and actions only prove that it means nothing to you

This love has left me numb, angry and sad

What hurts me most is that I know how beautiful it could be

If you would only give a damn, just once

About a life that you could easily make come true

Instead of allowing it to slip away,

And then being sad later for what you had

Sometimes I wonder if it's to late to try

And salvage any of the love we once had

Because I see nothing when I look into your eyes for me

And it makes me want to cry

Where does the love go when it leaves you

Or dare I ask if it was ever here

Because each time I turn around

I see another part of you just disappear

At times it makes me so sad, that all I do is cry

But most times it leaves me numb and hollow

Leaving me feeling less than a person should

And like your love for me, I want to want to die

I truly don't know what else I can do

To make our life mean more to you.

Who else must I be?

other than who I am

To make you want to be a part of me

Melancholy Ramblings

Have you ever felt as though you had enough strength to conquer the entire world, but barely owned enough courage to win any battles in your own life?  Today, this is how I feel.

I feel completely and utterly drained today.  I barely had enough energy to get out of bed.  I felt an incredible feeling of defeat wash over my entire being, when I awoke this morning.  It's nearly 2 pm and I cannot seem to shake it.  I feel physically and emotionally dead in my own skin today, and truly don't have any idea where I am to draw strength from any longer.

I know that we are suppose to be grateful for all that we are and all that we have, and I do.  Yet, there are days (like today) where I just want to lay in my nice warm bed, surrounded by soft comfortable things and just sulk in my own despair.  I try to be the positive one, the enlightened one, the happy one and the encouraging one.  Today, well today I am not even "the feeling one".  Today I am numb all over.

I decided to go for a drive to clear my mind, when I started looking at all the perfect houses in my neighborhood.  Families getting ready for their day, while others have already begun putting Christmas decor on their doors.  I sat there at a stop sign for a moment and took it all in.  Then, I began to wonder just how many of them were happy.  I mean truly happy with their lives and everything within them.  I began to wonder what it would feel like to be anyone but me.  What it would feel like to truly smile and mean every inch of it.

All I have ever wanted is to be happy within this life and yet, it always proves to be the single most difficult thing for me to achieve.  It infuriates me at times.  I am not one of those people who care to be rich, nor am I someone who longs for a lavish career or lifestyle.  I never have.  All I want is a simple, happy life.  So why is it that the simplest things are the farthest from your grasp? At this point, I honestly think that It would be easier to get rich than it would to be happy.

I don't wish to disrespect my creator in any way for all that he has given to my life thus far.  I am truly blessed, grateful and aware of all I have.  Yet, I just wish I knew what this divine power wanted from me.  Who am I to be?  Where am I to be? Will I ever be enough for myself and those around me?  All these questions I have asked a million times with no reply.

Truth be told, I'm scared.  Scared of so many things, that it disables me in all that I do.  The fear of my unknown future, allows me to abandon my present life. I suppose I have much more to learn in this journey of life, I just wish my lessons were simpler sometimes.  I've been through so much that I don't know how much more I can honestly take. And I honestly don't know what to do next.

God, help me!  Give me the strength I need to keep moving forward.  Allow me to keep believing in my dreams, in people and in this beautiful life that you have so made possible for me.  Keep me focused, keep me real.  Keep my spirit free and light. Carry me now because I truly feel like I can no longer walk alone.

The Cheating Game

Due to the overwhelming response that I received regarding yesterday’s topic, I decided to render a “part two” for today.


I would like to go on recording stating the obvious, right off the cuff. That is, all the opinions stated within this blog are simply that – JUST MY OPINIONS.

I am after all solely one voice – but indeed a strong one when it comes to voicing what I believe in.

In today’s society it almost seems that cheating has become a fashion statement. Where some individuals change their taste in partners like they change their clothes – VERY FREQUENTLY! Nowadays, it’s that much simpler for those seeking an affair to not have to venture out or look very far. Sadly, it can now all begin right in the comfort of your own home. We have technology to thank for that.

Once upon a time there were no “online sites”, such as the one I listed yesterday to get onto, for the sole purpose of having an affair. Truly all dating sites are the perfect avenue to look for such a thing really. All you have to do is simply lie about your relationship status and meet hundreds of different potentials at the click of a button. We also have telephone dating services now which serve the same purpose, only they are live and you get to hear what that person sounds like immediately.

They categorize their clients in the following manner: Love/Steady Relationships. Friendship, Mingling/Dating and finally the most popular of them all: Intimate Encounters. These lines are set up so conveniently that you don’t even have to leave your front door to be unfaithful. Just simply pick up the phone (whenever you’re feeling a little frisky) and have creative/erotic conversations with the man/woman of your dreams anytime. Now I know what you’re thinking: “Oh Gia, these types of lines have always been around” Yes true, but the difference between the old “800 lines” and these new lines is this: If you connect with an individual(s) you simply exchange numbers and explore one another off of the system. Not exactly something one could do with the “Babes” from the 1-800 lines now is it? The purpose of these new lines is that you get to meet “like minded people” who are ready and willing to jump as fast and as high as you are. So the thrill is more alluring. Which brings me to the next technological gadget: The cellphone?

Some individuals have cheated before ever touching anyone else. It’s called erotic texting/voicemails and phone sex. Statistics show that it is the initial way people begin physical relationships in the 21 century. Even after physical encounters, people will still continue to have sexual contact in this manner simply because it’s easy and can prove to be incredibly erotic. After all, what most people don’t understand is that sex ALWAYS begins in the mind first and foremost.

Anyone can put you in a sexual state simply by walking past you.  Yet, forcing someone to paint a picture of a fantasy and act it out in their mind is completely another thing altogether.

This brings to mind several questions for all of you?

Firstly, what do you consider cheating exactly? Could it be a lingering stare at someone? A wink, a smile? Telling someone that you find them sexy? A quick peck on the lips? A long deep kiss? Giving someone of the opposite sex your phone number (even if it’s a co-worker that you swear up and down is only for business reasons)? Would you consider having phone sex cheating? Or agreeing to meet someone solely for a drink – with no intention of sex? I’m curious what you all think.

Secondly, I have never understood how so many individuals can get caught with 10, 20 or more saved text messages on their cell phones  All of them feeding sexual desires and sent to them by a lover(s). Well, no one said all people who cheat are bright now did they? *giggles* Delete all evidence! Hell murders even know this folks? A simple task right? Yet, time and time again marriages have ended badly because of them. Tiger Woods, Tony Parker, the list goes on and on.

Finally. Would you ever be able to forgive someone who cheated on you? Perhaps we all could in time, but would you allow the relationship (and your partner) another chance and try to make things work? Personally for me, the answer would be: NO! I do think of myself as a judgmental and unforgiving person however, trust is incredibly significant to me. If something like that were to ever happened to me, I don’t think I could ever trust that person again. Not to mention the fact that if I tried to work it out, it would change me. I would become the kind of person that I would hate, and that would not be fair to either of us – much less the relationship. Our love wouldn’t stand a chance. I would second guess every word, every gesture, every phone conversation and every email to think the worst. I just couldn’t live that way.

Many thanks to all my readers and for all your emails on this topic! It is truly sad that something so hurtful and negative gets such hype.

Are Your Lips Sealed?

IT'S ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS THAT A SITE LIKE THIS MAKES MONEY OFF THE PAIN AND TEARS OF A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP!!!!!

I heard a radio station announcer speaking on the topic of relationships today. The main question regarding it was: If you saw someone you knew cheating on their mate, would you feel the need to go and tell the party being cheated on or not? The topic (for obvious reasons) generated a complete frenzy around it and the buzz trickled down into deeper waters, as the program continued. It got me thinking about how a topic like “cheating” has become so complacent in today’s society.


There was a time when one person having an affair or a fling on another was intolerable. These days however, more and more people seem to feel that it’s not such a big deal anymore. Are we as a society becoming “ok” with the idea of having affairs? Are men and women simply choosing to accept the fact that it happens every day and that we shouldn’t make such a big deal about it? Sadly, I think we are. The more I look around the more I can see that monogamy is truly a thing of the past for most people. It’s almost as if people are “comfortable” with the whole idea nowadays.

I must admit that I too have changed my views on the subject somewhat as well. Now please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying here. I don’t believe its right, never have and never will. However, I seem to find myself being empathetic with the circumstances that surround it all. From all that I have seen and heard I can honestly say that there seems to be a lot of neglect and disrespect between men and women who are in relationships these days.

Can we honestly judge others for their actions, especially without waking a day within their shoes? Definitely not! Yet, I think it’s incredibly sad that we as human beings give up on one another so quickly. I can appreciate the fact that a decision to cheat doesn’t happen over night. Rather it manifests itself from an overwhelming cycle of thoughts and then projects itself forth. Still, I honestly think that with some hard work it could all be avoided.

Why do people cheat?

Simply put, because they are not being fulfilled in every way they need to be, with the individual they are with. That’s it folks! There is no intricate equation or puzzle that needs to be solved – It’s that cut and dry. If we are not desired (mind, body and soul) with those we have picked to love and love us back in return, sooner or later we will go out and find another who will.

In Maslow’s theory of human needs, he explains that all human beings have a hierarchy of needs. The psychologies of these needs are illustrated in a pyramid formula, with the most fundamental of human needs being at the bottom. Sex is listed as one of the highest need a human being can have. The need for it is great. Many great minds after Maslow, not only agreed with this theory, but strongly suggests that the basic human needs must be met before any individual can desire to move on to the next level of fundamental needs.

Therefore, for the sake of conversation, why should an individual who is being denied sex by their partner not have every right to go out and fulfill that need elsewhere? Why is it ok to be mistreated and be continuously neglected by your lover, but it is not “socially acceptable” to make yourself happy? It’s all relative to a degree. Yet, once again, I don’t condone cheating at all. I think it’s unfair to all parties involved. I believe that the only way to resolve these types of issues within a relationship is through communication.

Talk about it! If you cannot come to terms with or agree upon continuing the relationship then it’s probably a good indication that it should end. Again, I do realize what I am saying here. It’s easier said than done, I get it. So I can only assume that for most, it’s easier to have a meaningless affair than it is to end a relationship. It’s easier to hurt, disrespect and lie to the one another, than it is to compromise your relationship. Does that really even make sense? In a perfect world, I suppose we can answer a big fat “HELL NO” to this question. Yet, in a shady world of grey (that we all seem to live in these days) the answer is not quite that simple!

So I pose the question again: If you saw someone you knew cheating on their mate, would you feel the need to go and tell the party being cheated on or not?

Naming Your Parts

After a truly comical conversation I had with friends recently, I felt the need to explore it further with all of you. So here it is:


Do most men and women name their sexual body parts and if so, why?

After much discussion on the topic with friends and colleagues around the water cooler, it seems that most people do this. Not only have they named their parts, but it gets reviewed after some time and can possibly change. In fact, it is very common for a man to change the name he gives his penis 5 times in a life time. Here I thought changing careers so much in a person’s life span was creative. 

So why do we do this exactly? Does it all stem from our egos or does it go much deeper than that?

When it comes to sexuality and matters of the heart, we as human beings tend to personalize their affections and “lay claim” to their territory – which may also equate to their partners as well. Psychologically there are many different underlying reasons as to why we do such things.

Being a woman, I can only comment on my own experiences on the subject. In the past if I have ever “nick-named” my sexual body parts it was done to be flirty and to feel sexy. I’ve done it because I have always personally hated the actual names given to these parts of the anatomy. It was all done in fun and mainly referred to with other woman. It wasn’t until my late 20’s that I ever told another man what my “fun name” was. During an intimate conversation, I actually said the name aloud-ever so nonchalantly. I immediately turned red and felt incredibly embarrassed that I had actually said it. However, the response was quite favourable and from that day on I referenced it more frequently with confidence. I believe that when a woman does this it’s done to be playful.

On the other side of the spectrum: A man will do it to illustrate power and masculinity. Some may possibly believe that it exudes dominance and ego. After some extensive conversation with men on the topic I can tell you that this is the case.

Most men will name their penis because they feel as though it is a separate entity and has a mind all its own. (How true that is) Clinically this can also be referred to as: A split mind disorder. The names which are sometimes used to describe the male body part seldom do make any kind of sense whatsoever. It will however, have everything to do with the height of their own egos coming through. For men it has gone beyond naming their penis. Today, men have names for almost every part of their anatomy that illustrates their manhood or physical power. They will also name their biceps, their thighs, calves, butt and lips as well. Again this is mainly done to illustrate power and to exude their sexuality.

Whatever your reasons may be, you are certainly not alone. Statistically it is said that 1 in 3 men and 1 in 10 women have done this in their lifetime.

To end on a comical note, here are some of the more common names each gender has used:

Commonly Used Nick Names (By Women) For The Female Vagina:
Vaggie
Flower
Blossom
Strawberry
Honey Suckle
Honey Hole
Hidden Treasure
Coochie
Cookie
Cha Cha
Bud

Commonly Used Nick Names (By Men) For The Male Penis:
Sergeant Sam
The German Solider
Magnificent 7
The Drill Bit
Dirty Harry
The Love Missal
Spud
The Rock
The Big Gun
Timmy
Mini Me
Mister Mister
The Love Arrow
Bullet
Triple P
Pistol Pete
The Situation ( Due to the Jersey Shore Hype)

With This Ring...

My best friend and I decided to browse engagement rings over the weekend.

She has met the man of her dreams and they have decided to walk the journey of life together.

I can honestly say that I have never done such a thing before in my life: “Ring Shop”
I always assumed this little ritual was something that men do with other men, and that women had very little to do with it.  However, much to my surprise, there was an equal ratio of women to men in the store.
Naturally, I am well aware of the fact that some women do pick out their own rings (for whatever reason) however, I still find this to be quite taboo.

I had often wondered what kind of feelings or emotions men go through when doing something like this.
I suppose this is why I found myself incredibly drawn to a particular guy in the store that day.

I watched him as he looked at (what seemed to be) endless glass cases in the store- all easily displaying approximately 50 – 100 rings per case. I was completely overwhelmed, so I can almost imagine what he must have been thinking. Yet, somehow he was calm. He looked at each ring intently, trying to find the perfect ring for his incredible lady. She must be, because with each ring the salesman suggested his reply was simply: “No, no, she is much too special to me and the ring must be equally so”. I believe my heart melted at that very moment. Then, he found it! The most precious stone, in the most perfect setting, for the most incredible woman who owns his heart. I swear he looked overjoyed. Like a kid at Christmas. I found myself smiling from ear to ear and was truly happy for him. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I have witnessed romantic gestures before, but never one where the other individual it was meant for was absent. I’m really happy I got a chance to see something like that. It gave me hope for romance in my own life.

In the same breath a thought came over me, and wondered if most men feel that way when looking for an engagement ring. Are they all as excited as the man in my store was? Somehow, I doubt it. I can appreciate that it is a very involved and un-nerving process for most. That somewhere in the midst of it all the romantic appeal has been lost for many men.

Gentleman, I can not speak for all women, but allow this one to have your ear for just a moment. When taking that step in your relationship remember one thing. She loves you, no matter what. So try not to get lost in the hype of cut, clarity and size. It’s a symbol of your love – yes, but keep in mind that it shouldn’t ever be a dollar symbol. Make it a romantic and beautiful experience for you both.

Secondly, I realize that this is one of the biggest decisions that any man will make in his life, but please just relax. Don’t take her with you and ask her to pick out a ring of her choice, and certainly don’t ask her to describe it for you. This is your moment to shine, to show her just how romantic you can be. Do it all on your own and for God sake’s surprise her. If you don’t you are denying yourself a once in a life time opportunity to show her just how thoughtful and romantic you can really be. Again, its “crazy scary” to go this route, but definitely worth the efforts, I assure you! Just imagine the look on her face. It’s truly a moment you will both never forget – not to mention it will make for a great story with family and friends later.

Don’t be consumed with feelings of fear on whether or not she will love it. She will, If for no other reason than because he cared enough to make it a special and loving moment just for the two of you.

To the man in the store:  Thank you for making me remember that romance still does exist.  Congratulations!

I don't think I'm ready to grow up, nor will I ever be. 

I'm not ready to be responsible and sensible every day. 
I'm not ready to drive by a night club and think that I am not in my 20's anymore, so therefore too old to drop in.
I'm not ready to walk down the street on a snowy day and not try to catch snowflakes on my tongue.
I'm not ready to stop jumping in puddles.
I'm not ready to run out of the rain, afriad of getting wet.  I'd rather dance in it.
I'm not ready to stop wanting to fall in love with different people, each and every day.
I'm not ready to allow a boring day to be made up of sole sitting around and watching TV all day.
I'm not ready to stop running wild in the streets with my girlfriends, looking for the next line of mischief we can get ourselves into.
I'm not ready to go to bed at a decent hour, so that I can always feel rested.
I'm not ready to live a boring mundane life.
I'm not ready to just accept my fate, because the universe says there's no other way.
I'm not ready to conform my mind, body or spirit to what society deems acceptable.
I'm not ready to live for others while I allow myself to die inside.
I'm not ready to stop dreaming
I'm not ready to accept what others think I should be, nor am I ready to care.
I'm not ready to be Love's suicide or life's concubine.
I'm not ready to just sit here in this life and be the good, tame and wholesome.
I'm not ready to hate others, because they are not like me.
I'm not ready to sit back and watch others do stupid things, because it's impolite to speak up.
I'm not ready to sit idly by and not have a voice of my own.

I'm not ready to die, nor will I ever be....

I did something awful today.  I judged someone for no reason.  Now, I know what you are all thinking right about now:  "We all judge people Gia, it's a natural part of being human".  Well I make a conscious effort not to do that to anyone.  I have practised this for the better part of my life. Don't get me wrong.  I've been guilty of it in the past.  I don't do it often, but I've had my moments. Today, I had one of those moments.  I actually felt truly guilty about it the better part of the day, until I approached this individual later on and apologized.  I love watching anothers expression when they have absolutely no idea what the hell you're talking about.  It's truly comical. 

I really began focusing on how I treated people after being involved in a behavioural workshop in 2006.
I heard a story I have never forgotten and find that I make reference to it a lot.  It was an incident which happened to Mr. Stephen R. Covey, on his way home from work:

Mr. Covey was on a subway train, one late afternoon, making his way home.  He was enjoying the daily paper (and some peace and quiet) after what was a crazy day at the office.  When all of the sudden, the train pulls into the station and in come four noisy kids-along with their father. 

At first, Mr. Covey tried his best to ignore them, but after 15 minutes of continual loudness he just couldn't take it anymore.  He tried making eye contact with the parent of these children (where his face would do all the talking needed) but the father seemed to be oblivious to what was going on around him. He was starring at his children, but the blank look on his face clearly stated that he was in a world of his own. 

Suddenly, Mr. Covey got up from his seat and went over to the father.  "Excuse me", he said.  " Can you please grab a hold of your children and tell them to settle down?  Some of us are trying to enjoy the ride home in some kind of peacefulness"  It took the father a bit of time to register what was happening, but then looked at Mr. Convey and said:  " Yeah, they are carrying on aren't they?  I know I should tell them to stop, but we just left the hospital and the boys lost their Mother only moments ago.  They took it pretty hard and I think that this is just their way of digesting what's just happened to them.  So I don't have the heart to keep them quiet, not now" 

It was Mr. Covey's turn to wear the blank face.  As he turned around in silence and made his way back to his seat, he felt an incredible amount of guilt wash over him.  He chose to pass judgment on someone because of what he saw in front of him.  Not realizing that there was an underlying reason which caused the effect. 

Simple isn't it?  Yet we seldom apply it in ever day life.  It is much easier to ridicule and pass judgement on someone than it is to appreciate/understand that there could be much more to the scene than what we see.

I carry that story with me every day.  It helps me to be compassionate and sensitive toward others.  There will be times when I will slip and fall from grace, but when I do I know that Covey's lesson will lift me back up to a place where I belong. 

 “Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.  We simply assume that the way we see things is the way they really are or the way they should be. And our attitudes and behaviors grow out of these assumptions"
... Stephen R. Covey

Intimate & Interactive With The Writer

Since I began this blog page, many of you have continuously written me to give you more of an insight into who the "woman behind the writing" is.  I thought I was doing so with my words, but it seems that you all want a little more.  So, I've decided to dedicate a few blog entries to doing just that. This will be my first.  Others will follow periodically throughout my time here with you; but with no real agenda.  So I suppose you will just have to "tune in" every now and again and look for them.

Back to Basics:

I am currently 36 years old, of  southern Italian decent, but born and raised in Toronto, Canada.
I am the eldest of three, but for many reasons most think I am the youngest.  I used to find it a bit insulting growing up but looking back I realized that there were many great reasons why others associated me as such.  Reasons to which am very proud of today.

The Essence:

I'm a pretty simple/down to earth kinda gal with very complex ideas. I am an incredible romantic and always treat those around me with the utmost respect, love and kindness. I'm someone who is just good to people-even those who seldom deserve it.  Those who truly know me best would say that I "wear my heart on my sleeve" way too much within this life. That people use my kindness and trust for their own agendas. I choose not to fixate myself on all that negativity. As a very wise young man once said: "People are people, we live for our own. Live by what you believe, not by what you've been told"  All I have ever worried about is simply "doin' me" that's it. What others choose to do is simply that- their choice. After all, there is never harm done when you're sending "good energy" out into the universe. 

Background:

As far back as I can remember I have always loved learning things.  It didn't really matter what it was, I just wanted to know as much about "everything" as I possibly could. Which I suppose is why I loved school so much.  I was completely fascinated with all the different things I could shove into my brain, on any given day.  Yet, school taught me so much more than that.  It wasn't solely about learning a curriculum but about learning what your place was to be in this world. Not a place others believed should be yours, but a place YOU BELIEVED could be.  I have always been a strong believer in education.  It's a vital component in life.

Most of my life I believed that my truest love was music.  Something about it made me come alive in ways I never would have imagined possible.  I owe this love to my Grandmother, Ernestina.  Growing up she always encouraged me to learn music.  Til this day, one of my most treasured memories was our home always filled with music.  She always asked me to sing, so I sang every song I ever heard for her.  I remember saying to her one day, " I don't know any more songs to sing" and she replied, "Well, you know how to write don't you?  So write some songs of your own and sing those to me".  She must have read my mind because the next thing she said went something like: " Don't you look at me like I'm crazy, go do it.  It'll be fun"  Alas, if she could only see me now.  I miss her so much!

Growing up I was lead vocalist in a couple of different bands in Toronto.  The first experience mainly explored performing covers from various popular artists.  It was a lot of fun, but it lacked the creativity I craved.  The second band I joined was filled with individuals who wanted to make their own music and very much needed a lead who believed the same.  Although, music is one of my greatest loves, I found my truest one in the midst of it. Writing. I had gone back to my roots again.  I realized at an early stage in my life that writing gave me a greater high than even music could. So I stepped out of the lime light and dabbled in lyrical/music writing.

It wasn't until my final year of high school that I really began short story/article writing.  I had a wonderful English teacher who pushed me to explore this area further.  He was the very first person to tell me that my writing reminded him of "Shakespeare" and that I owed it to myself and the world to share it.  Again, like that moment so long ago with my Grandmother, I thought "the man is crazy" and I told him so on many different occasions.  I didn't know much about Shakespeare in those days, but he fixed all of that.  Til this day, I can recite one of the most famous Shakespearean soliloquies ( To Be Or Not To Be) by heart - all thanks to him.  He told me once that "true beauty can only be captured with words".  A picture or a scene can catch it, but only words can capture it's essence.  How incredibly true that is.

More on Gia to come in the future...

Dream, Dream, Dream ...

"I'm too busy chasing stars, to care how silly you think my dreams are"..Gia

At what time did people stopping believing in dreams?  I mean, do people actually go around their daily lives without a purpose?  Without a dream?  The sheer thought of it makes me utterly sad.

I was in line with a friend tonight, at the voting poll no less, when someone behind me actually felt the need to blurt out their opinion on our conversation.

 I haven't seen this particular friend in sometime, so we were trying to catch one another up on our lives before it was our turn to vote.  So I told him about the book I had finally begun to write and how wonderful it was that there were a couple of publishing houses that were interested in my work.  He relayed in return how great he thought it was that I was finally going after my dream and how important it was to never let go of what I believed in-no matter what the odds. I fully agreed and communicated that I was definitely a "dreamer girl" at heart and had no intention of letting my feet touch the ground for the moment.  This was my time, my one chance to go for it, and that was exactly what I was planning on doing.

Then, all of the sudden out of the clear blue, I hear a voice over my shoulder.  A deep, raspy sarcastic voice letting me know what he thought about "me and my dreams".  "Dreams are silly things adults tell little children to keep them in check" is what this man decided to blurt out from behind me.  My friend and I looked at one another and then immediately turned to look at the shell of the individual currently on a soap box.
The man again opened his mouth to speak:  "It's true", he said.  " and you don't look like a little girl to me, so stop dreaming and get it through your head.  Dreams are for stupid lazy people, who think they can try to get out of working the asses off -for the rest of their damn lives"  I'm not certain, but that may have in fact been the exact time that I wanted to just slap him.  Twice!  Once for being rude, and secondly for being such a pompass ass. 

Yet, it wasn't long at all that my frustration of this man's ignorance turned into pity for him instead.  I began to think about how incredibly horrible this man's entire existence must have been to believe such garbage.  This man's dreams were clearly broken at a very young age.  That must be the answer, because I wasn't ready to accept the fact that this man standing before me was just that mean.  All I could do was stare at him in utter amazement.  I had a million things I wanted to say, but when I opened my mouth nothing came out.  Finally, my friend looked at him and said:  "Well I guess we're just a couple of stupid kids, then aren't we?" The man just shook his head and mumbled something underneath his breath. 

I cannot believe that there are people out there that allow "life" to take away their dreams; or their ability to hold on to any.  Of course life rears it's ugly head every now and again, but why do we allow life events to shadow who were are and what we believe in.  Who are we if we do not stand for something?  If we do not believe in something?  If we do not dream of change?  I for one will never allow "life" to diminish who I am or what dreams I wish to fulfill.  I cannot change the events that will happen to me within this life. I have no control over this aspect of things.  However, what I do have control over are my emotions.  I and I alone, have the power to decide what these events will mean to me.  That being said, I will never allow anything or anyone own the definition of who I am or how big I wish to dream. 

Now thinking back on it, several hours later, I truly feel sorry for the man in my line up tonight.  It is unfathomable to me that someone/something along the way destroyed that mans hopes and dreams.  That at some point he was told to "grow up and stop dreaming".  I think it's truly important to remain a child somewhere within your heart at any age.  It's that very innocence that dreams are made of.  The very thing that makes them come alive.  I am so sorry that this was stolen from him and tonight I pray that somehow he regains that spirit-and dares to dream once more.

"No one should negotiate their dreams. Dreams must be free to fly high. No government, no legislature, has a right to limit your dreams. You should never agree to surrender your dreams" .... Jesse Jackson

Past Lives

Have you ever thought about past lives before?  Have you ever thought that you may in fact have any yourself? 

Personally, I have always believed in this kind of thing.  However, being of "Catholic decent" I am not suppose to.  My religion apparently forbids it.  Which is probably why I don't believe myself to be a "full blown Catholic follower".  I believe in God, in angels,saints, heaven and of course hell.  Yet, I don't necessarily believe in the conditions that this religion puts on it's followers.  I have always been the kind of girl that marches to the beat of her own drum anyway, so for those that know me this statement shouldn't be a surprise. 

I have struggled with religion my entire life, and at times even tried to walk away from it entirely-but never did.  Something always held onto me, while I was slipping deeper and deeper into the bottomless abyss we call hell.  In my darkest moments I always had strength.  Some how, some way.  I never truly understood it, but perhaps it wasn't meant to be.  That's what blind faith is suppose to mean anyway, isn't it?  Just believing in something without proof that it actually exists.  So I made peace with God a long time ago and he knows where I stand and loves me nevertheless for it.  So I don't feel I need a priest or pope to tell me what kind of "follower of God" I need to be.  I know he exists, I know he is good and I know that he will always carry me when I can no longer walk.  Beyond all of that, I believe in God enough to fear him and that my dear friends is power.

So I do believe that I have walked this earth before.  Specifically in what I like to call:  "Old England Days"
I am not certain why exactly, but I have always felt a tie to this life.  I think that generally when people have a certain love, passion or pull to something in particular (for no apparent reason) it must mean something.  Now I don't mean a talent per say, but rather a familiarity to something or someone.  If you do you should explore it further.

 

Throughout my life there have been many "deja-vu moments" if you will or coincidences, that I could not explain.  The smell of something, the feel of a particular fabric and old pictures seen in history books.  They have always given me chills.  Subconsciously I know why, but it frightens me to admit it aloud. 

The weirdest thing I can recall ever happening in my life is, always answering to a particular name that I don't have any recollection of.  There have been instances where I have been out and turned around answering: "Yes?" to someone obviously calling someone else.  The familiarity of the name is outstanding.  I could never explain it, yet whenever this happens I fully react as if it were truly me.  So can that be explained in any other way other than perhaps having been a person with this name-in the past?

Another crazy thing I can recall is when I visited England 8 years ago.  I did all of the things most tourists do.  I went to the castles, saw the palace and rode the tube.  One day, we visited an old church and then made our way to another down a particular road.  I had complete deja-vu of this road.  However, I pictured it differently.  Older, with wagon tracks all along the roadside.  Not a paved road, but a dirt road with old Willow trees marking the pathway.  It scared me for a moment, but I knew I had seen this before.  The rest of the day brought more and more feelings of familiarity.  I had lived there before, but in a time long long ago.

Even my writing has been described as unique.  There have been countless individuals who have always said that my words take on a certain flow-almost a "Shakespearean like" form.  I have never been taught how to write professionally.  I posses no journalism degree nor have I ever consulted with writing coaches.  Yet, I write this way.  For no apparent reason, except that I love to express myself this manner.  I have never believed that writing could be taught.  You either feel it or you don't.  However, it's merely my opinion-which doesn't really count for much.

These are things no one could possibly explain, or have any right trying to persuade you not to believe.  I firmly believe that.  I feel within my heart that I have lived before.  Possibly 3 times (including this one) to be exact.  Perhaps it is silly to believe in such things, but I believe it has shaped me into who I am, what I love and all the things I believe today.  I believe it is why I have the passion for words, music and people as I do.  Somewhere, sometime ago I loved and believed in these things before.  So strongly that I have carried them with me in each life.  Making them the truest essence of the woman I am. 

It may be ridiculous but it's my belief all the same -and no one will ever take it from me.

My Road Taken

I wanted to say thank you to all of you who write to me each day. Your words of encouragement and compliments upon my writing are well received and I am truly humbled by this entire experience. I am so grateful to have this kind of podium.  Reaching/touching others with my words is the most important thing I have to do in this life.  I realize that now.  For at the end of this life, people will always forget what you've done for them.  They will always forget what you've given them- but they will always remember how you made them feel.

I do apologize to you all for not keeping up with my writing posts as of late. My life has taken quite a spin in the past several weeks and I have not given my writing, or this page, the attention it truly deserves.


It is funny how crazy life can be sometimes.  One minute you are stumbling along, trying to make something of yourself and then BOOM!  Everything falls into place.  Then somewhere along the way, you loose it all again and have to start anew. 

I've realized that life is truly all about new beginnings and ends.  Every moment has it's own purpose under heaven and there really is a time and place for everything.  What goes up certainly must come down again, but what we fail to see is that it will find its way back up once more.  However, the sheer beauty of this process, that I have come to enjoy, is the journey along the way.  Yes, I've had my high moments within this life, but I have also had very low dark ones as well.  Yet, my favourite moments by far are now the "in-between" stages of the highs and lows.  A wise man once told me that in life you have mountains and low roads but nothing, nothing is more beautiful than the valleys.  I cannot tell you how true this is.

For the first time in my life I believe that I am all over the map in my journey.  I've never really experienced this kind of thing before.  One day I'm in the mountains, enjoying all the ripe fruit of my labour, and then in a day or two I'm back down to the low roads.  Then with a mere exhale, I find myself in another valley, walking along and taking time to smell the roses.  It's a little unsettling but I'm enjoying the ride and trying to learn as much as I can from the experience.

As of late, I have been embarking on many different travels:  I've just recently began writing a book.  Something I truly hope all of you will enjoy someday.  I've also begun a new adventure in my present work place-which also stems from writing. I have been journeying through the road to health and physical wellness, which proves to be one of the most challenging trips I have ever taken.  As well as, figuring out my personal life and where it's leading me.  Although, there are many different dynamics happening all at once, I am truly enjoying every minute of it.  Yes, there are days that I feel incredibly overwhelmed and wish to just move to the other side of the world and calm my mind, but then there are moments where I catch myself smiling at the marvel of it all. 

Dare I say it?  For the first time in my life I am actually proud of myself.  Proud of all that I have gone through and survived, only to get to this stage and frame of mind.  I am truly blessed and grateful for all that has happened in my life up to this point.  All the good, all the bad and yes, all the in-between.  My Mom will always say to me (with such as sad look upon her face) that she is so sorry that my life has been so hard.  That no matter what road I take it always seems to be a long one; full of trials.  I will admit that I too, have often wondered why it seems to take me forever to get to the other side of the rainbow. Yet, I'm learning that more often than not, the road not taken is the greatest road of all. I choose to believe that someone/something divinely infinite wants me to be truly enriched with all the beauty of this world. For you see, one cannot truly know happiness until they've experienced great sadness.  You will never know great pleasures until you've known incredible pain.  I've tried to explain it to her many times, as I hate to see her heart ache for me.  I truly hope that someday she will know that I am truly OK with the paths my destiny feels that I must journey through.  I will always go though things, I will always be sad and happy -sometimes all in the same day.  Nevertheless, I will always be thankful, humble and grateful to God for the opportunities I have each day to walk this earth.

If any of you learn a single thing from my life and the words I choose to express it with, be it this:  No matter how many mountains you climb, or how many low roads you must travel - always remember to live in every moment that you're alive.  That is my personal quote to all of you!