Saturday, May 28, 2011

Destiny's Child

You are what your deep, driving desire is.

As your desire is, so is your will.

As your will is, so is your deed.

As your deed is, so is your destiny

I am one of those people who have always believed that things happen for a reason.  A list of events, strung along in a particular sequence to illustrate points to us within our everyday life.  Not just random events, as I believe things like this are anything but random, but intricately placed moments that after a while you cannot but notice.  Have any of you ever experienced this before?

If your answer to this question is yes, then you certainly share some company in my belief.  The belief that things which occur to us are destined.  More often than not, I am challenged whenever I make this statement.  There are many who believe that things happen because they happen, but I would beg to differ.  My entire life has been filled with episodes/instances of coincidence.  Things occurring which aren't so easily explained.  Whenever I am in a place in my life where I feel lost or need guidance, this seems to be when they happen most.

I found a book in my study on Monday and for the life of me couldn't figure out how/why it was there.  It was odd because I can account for each and every book that is in my personal library.  Books have always been an important love of my life and I have carefully built that library with only books that have truly meant something to me-or had an incredible love for.  This book however, was oddly placed in the middle of them all, sticking out like a sore thumb.  It caught my eye instantly so I went to push it back into it's corner, when I was immediately thrown.  It was an electric blue paperback entitled: Life Lessons.  Based on my amazement of its discovery, it was safe to say that I had never purchased this book - and had no idea what it was doing on my shelf.  I picked it up and looked at the title:  Life Lessons.  Both the title and author were unfamiliar, so I opened it up and began to flip through it. 

The book was quite simple in illustration and listed one rule per page.  Each page listed it's own rule and a quotation the author found suitable for it.  I immediately found it bizarre because in my mind it instantly brought me back to a place in my life 3 years ago, when I first decided to write a book.  Bizarre because the book that I held in my hands was exactly the kind of book I wished to write.  The entire finding was rather odd and it sent shivers down my spine. 

Three years ago, my nephew was born.  The first time I looked at him I thought:  "All I ever want to do is protect you from all that I've seen and lived through, within this world".  I instantly wanted to protect/shelter him from all the bad stuff.  I knew then that this was not possible and it made me feel an element of fear I have never know before.  So I thought, if I can't protect him from it, the least I could do was guide him.  The best way I knew how to do that was to write to him.  Give him some basic rules of thumb to live by.  He would make his on choices indeed, but at the very least he would know the outcomes if certain actions were taken.  It's something all of us have said time and time again about our own lives:  "If I could only go back and do my life over, knowing what I know now"  Well, the book I wanted to write for him would be something like that.  A "Life Lesson" book, filled with meaningful words that he could take and carry with him in his life.  The same book that was staring at me now, in my study.  For one reason or another, I didn't do it.

For those of you who know me and for the rest of you who follow this blog, you all know how much I have been struggling with my writing over the past several years.  I have wanted to write a book for so long, but never quite figured out how to go about it.  I have had many different ideas along the way, great ones, but they never manifested into anything.  Many of you also know that I've been struggling with "my calling" in this life and if writing truly is it.  At the beginning of the month I had that crazy experience in my car, that I told you all about and now this.  Was this book another sign? 

Then on Wednesday, another incredible event took place. 

I had another "hard life day" and I came home to an empty silent house.  Most days that truly disturbs me, but today I welcomed the quiet calmness of it all.  I sat ever so still for about an hour.  Thinking about my life and what my next moves were going to be, to shape my existence.  I decided in that moment to turn on the television, and there she was.  Oprah Winfrey.  That day marked her final day on air, doing the Oprah Winfrey show.  I watched the entire show in "awe" and before I knew it I was in tears.

For an hour this woman stood on her stage and spoke to millions of how thankful and blessed she was for every moment this show was on air.  She shared words of love, calling and God that we should all adhere to within our lives.  It was as if she was speaking to me directly.  It was my very own personal "pep talk" from God (once again) but this time, through Oprah Winfrey.  There were too many things she spoke of that were very close to home for me:

"But I'm truly amazed that I, who started out in rural Mississippi in 1954, when the vision for a black girl was limited to being either a maid or a teacher in a segregated school, could end up here. It is no coincidence that a lonely little girl [and here Oprah tears up] who felt not a lot of love, even though my parents and grandparents did the best they could -- it is no coincidence that I grew up to feel genuine kindness, affection, validation and trust from millions of you all over the world. From you whose names I will never know, I learned what love is. You and this show have been the great love of my life."

The things she said that really hit home for me were:

"Everybody has a calling, and your real job is to find it"

"Nobody but you is responsible for your life.  You are responsible for your life"

"You are responsible for the energy that you create for yourself and you are responsible for the energy that you bring to others"

" Live from the heart of yourself.  Your life is speaking to you.  What is it saying?"

"There's a difference between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing that you are worthy of being happy. Your being alive makes worthiness your birthright. You alone are enough."

Call me crazy but, are these not all signs?  More importantly, are these not all signs/ a list of events, strung along in a particular sequence to illustrate points to me ( in particular at this stage in my life) to go after my dream?   I dunno.. some things are just undeniable!

Well, thanks for listening. As much as I've enjoyed sharing this time with all of you, my nephew is waiting for the book his Aunt promised to write for him.  I'm sad I put it off for so long, but the good thing about it all is:  Now I have a niece to share in all of this too.  :)

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Unforgiven

"The dying Lion"

My mind, body and soul are overwhelmed with sorrow and loss. Yet, the person I ache for has not left this world.  I have felt the loss of this loved one most of my life, because due to the prison he calls a body, he has never been able to be a participant within it.  Therefore, my world is filled with pain because his is, and am already trying to prepare my heart for what inevitably follows. There can be no thoughts of relief until  the day when he is free.  Free from the prison he has lived in, all the days of his life. 

I have never before looked at the human body as such an unkind and unforgiving vessel.  Rather, I have always looked at it with an incredible amount of respect and fascination.  However, in this moment, I see it through very different eyes.  It can be most cruel.  People survive most of the calamities of this world:  Wars, natural disasters, loss and heartache.  Yet, the one thing we cannot get away from is the pain the body inflicts on the spirit when it is ill. 

Watching my Grandfather's life slipping away slowly, and all I can do is just that-watch.  Wracking my brain, trying to visit every possible avenue available to make his pain go away, only to have every door shut in my face.  Asking doctors for a life-line that we both know simply doesn't exist for him.  Yet, I continue searching because giving up is not something I am prepared to do.  I feel as if I am fighting against time-his time and perhaps it's coming.  Knowing that God's time always wins out in the end I feel defeated.

I know that there isn't much time, but if I could have just one wish it would be to take his pain upon myself, if only for a moment, so that I could watch him run through the grass and dance with the sun.  With a smile on his face and peace in his eyes.  If only for a moment to enjoy life as it was meant to be lived-in freedom.

"Dearest Nonno, When all is said and done, you are part of me. That's the way it was meant to be. People are brought together for a reason, everything happens for a reason. If someday God decides to take you from me, I trust that there is a reason. Cause if there is a reason for love, there is a reason for life beyond it. I love you Nonno"

Saturday, May 7, 2011

The Calling

It's been a weird week for me.  Weird in the sense that I have had the same unsettling feeling, wash over me repeatedly.  Something I cannot shake off or ignore any longer.  To say that it's a new feeling would be a lie.  I have had this "pinch" if you will, every now and again for a year now.  Yet, this week it's been a lot more than a pinch.  It's more like a continual shove motion.  It begins in my brain and then manifests itself into a tidal wave-rushing through my entire body.  It's as if my body is trying to purge itself, or at the very least making it known that it has something to say.  It feels like my mind/body and soul have had a secret board meeting and the memo has JUST been released.  "THE CALLING HAS COME"  The director in all of this  is my soul -and I just realised it.  It's been trying to get my attention for months, but I haven't truly been in touch. 

I know most of you at this point are thinking: "what on earth is this girl babbling on about, at this hour of the morning?"  Well, read on.

Have you ever just wondered why you are here?  I mean really thought about it.  I think we all have at one time or another in our lives.  We're human beings, it's the nature of the beast to wonder as much.  However, what I mean is truly trying to find out.  I for one, have asked this question a trillion time. In my darkest hours, I've sat in the dark, crying by moonlight.  Rocking myself back and forth shouting out to the heavens: " Why have you put me here?  Why have you left me here without instruction?  I don't know why I was created?  God, please help me find my way".

I have never been one who has believed in any religion fully, yet I know God exists.  I know this because I fear him and love him,all in the same breath.  I know there's something to this "after life stuff" because the woman and man that I have loved more than any other (taken from me and this life years ago) still come to me in dreams to guide me, and I know that he allows it.  So I believe in God, I believe in Guardian Angels and in a heaven.  Naturally, I would believe that we all have- a purpose.  A reason for being here- a calling.
I think I was told the answer to this so long ago, and a million times in between.  I've felt it before, kind of.  However, I wasn't sure. 

Sometimes, there are things that we love (or have deep passion for) for a reason.  We may think that it's just simply something that we enjoy or would like to do, but shouldn't mistake it for "the purpose of your existence here"  This is all true however; when you feel it from the depths of your just may in fact be very real.

I think that's what's happened to me all these years.  I've loved it, had a passion for it but thought that's all it was.  I've been told silly things by others about it before, but simply thought of it as "compliments" and nothing more.  This week I had " the awakening"

I had the most stressful week of my life.  If I sat here and gave you all the sorted particulars, you would look at me and say: "Gia, you've had worse weeks.  This was nothing"  I truly cannot argue that fact.  Yet, something happened within me.  I cannot explain it except to say that all those times I spent in the darkness, yelling at my God-he was now yelling back.  You see, I realized (finally) that he was always answering me but I wasn't listening.  So I suppose he felt the need to reach me in the only way that I would hear him-though words. 

It all began a couple of days ago, when I had an episode at work.  I was having the most stressful day of my life (or so it seemed).  I was completely done with  my present job.  I felt as though I was going to scream, cry and run all in the same breath.  Yes, I was having a panic attack at work, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  Somehow, I managed to ride it all out and finish the day.

As I drove home, I had this rage come out from within me.  I was so angry at everything.  The job I had, the overwhelming notion of all I had to do in my life to "make things right again", angry thoughts about having to start all over again in this life-because yet another relationship failed me.   Financially trying to keep afloat, once again and make ends meet. Wondering what the hell I am doing in this life. 

My heart was racing at a speed I have never felt before.  I was gripping the steering wheel so hard that my knuckles where dead white.  I could feel my heartbeat right up to my brain.  I felt like I was going to faint.  I wanted to yell, scream and cry at the top of my lungs - but the fear of people thinking I was utterly mad in the cars next to me in traffic stopped me. I immediately thought to myself:  " I cannot do this anymore.  Why am I doing all of this?  I continually make myself unhappy, stressing myself out over things that just don't matter.  Over things I don't care about.  My job has become just that -another job.  My life has become one that I simply exist in, rather than live.  My body, rather it being a temple of worship, has become a disability-a prison.  How did I get here???

All the while I have "my music" playing in the background.  So loud that on a normal day even I would have thought to turn it down, but not today.  Today, there were so many voices/things happening from within that I needed to drown that out with something louder.  I still wasn't getting it.  Again, I just thought I'm stressing out and my body is re-acting with another panic attack.  Too stupid to figure out that something more was at work here. 

Suddenly, everything began to subside.  It was almost instant.  My heartbeat became stable again.  My head wasn't pounding anymore.  My heart wasn't in my throat.  I could breath normally again, and didn't feel as faint as I did just a second ago.  All I heard for a moment was the music playing on my stereo.  More importantly, a verse from a song that was playing.  The words were:

"I am looking past the shadows of my mind into the truth and trying to identify the voices in my head.  God? Which one's you?  Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel alive and break these calluses off me, one more time"

Then I heard the loudest voice, I've ever heard from deep down within me shout out:  " You are here to write for me.  Not for your job, but for me...for you...for the world to see"

I instantly began to cry.  I sat there, in the middle of traffic, completely and utterly stunned.  The whole world went away for just a moment.  All the noise cleared and one voice -THE VOICE, remained.  It was as if, for that moment something higher blocked the entire world so that I could hear only that one thing-that one message.  (My fingers shake and my eyes are welling up with tears, as I sit here, writing all of this down for all of you.  Re-living every last detail of that day).

So now that I have heard it, I know without a doubt, that this is who I am-a writer.  How I believe, I was meant to be.  I kind of knew all along, but didn't really listen.  Or perhaps, to afraid to hear it (as is the norm with many things in my life). 

Now, I have another question:  " How do I do it?"

I've tried to get my writing out there.  It just doesn't get noticed. 

However, now I know that I have to do this somehow, someway.  Whatever it takes to make it work, I must try and find a way.

I suppose the strength that will guide me now is knowing that I'm following the right path.  The chosen path.

For those of you who are wondering what song I was listening to, please have a listen....

Monday, May 2, 2011


Peace, at what cost exactly?  How many solders have to die, before we REALLY sit down and ask ourselves this question.

After much pursuit, it seems that the "almighty Osama bin Ladin" has fallen.  It is said that President Barack Obama ordered the U.S. Navy Seals to move in on him, in Pakistan, and kill.  An order in which brought death to one man, and praise for another.  I found the entire story rather unsettling on so many levels.

First of all, it seems rather ironic that the death of the most hated man in America (if not the world) comes at a time where a President is falling from grace in the eyes of his people.  Let's face it, with the roaring fuel prices at a record high and the fact that he has not been able to even out the slow "economic death" the Americans are experiencing - this Osama thing has restored faith.  Coincidence???

Secondly, I felt as though for the first time in a long time, I found myself quite ashamed of our race.  Now don't misunderstand me, I do not condone what this man stood for, nor do I want to feel compassion for a man who was "supposedly" responsible for 9/11.  Yet, I felt sad in many ways.  Not for him, but for us.  It truly made me sit back and really see just what this world has come to.

We are toasting/cheering and proud of the fact that we killed someone.  Alright, not a "model human being" by any means yet nevertheless, a human being just the same. 

Even Dick Cheney, former vice-president and "Obama bully"  went on record to say that the President of the United States of America finished the job that the formal President could not do.

Everyone is applauding, cheering and celebrating the death of someone,  A death that we made possible, by aiming a gun at a man's head and taking the shot.

What has this world of ours become? Will we ever find our way?
One of my dreams in this life is to bare children, but at times i feel as though perhaps it would be a blessing not to be a mother.  For how could I ever possibly be at peace, worrying about what kind of world I allowed my child to be born into.  What kind of person would allow their own flesh and blood to live in a world as mad as this one?  A world where we take joy in the death of others.  A world where we are afraid to just live in, for fear that ashes will fall from the highest buildings.  A world where leaders are congratulated and patted on the back for killing someone.

At times, it's not even a world I wish to be a part of, let alone voluntarily allow my child to be raised in.

What a wonderful world, that we are slowly killing - not to mention all those who live upon it.