Thursday, September 29, 2011

It's A Beautiful Life

Life, don't ever throw it away.

As human beings, we come to understand that life is not always perfect.  We accept the unfairness of it all and learn to push through the bad times because there is always something better to look forward to, somewhere down the line.  At least that's what most of us believe right?  We must, what else is there?  To think anything else would be the devastation of the human race as we know it.  So whether we voice our "faith that life is generally good" aloud or not, I think we all hold true to that fact somewhere deep within.

Yesterday, I found out that a dear friend of mine has been dealing with a very traumatic time in her life.  Her daughter has been diagnosed with cancer.  She is 10 years old.  A mutual friend thought that I should know about the situation, as it has been going on for some time.

I instantly felt like someone had just knocked the wind out of me.  I crouched over, bringing my head to my knees and tried with all my might to take a deep breath, only I couldn't.  How could I possibly breath with no air?  I began to cry because I was so enraged at the news.  In that moment I felt so helpless and quickly thought that this is exactly what my friend must be feeling.  I couldn't help but be angry.  The entire ordeal didn't make any sense.  Then again, it never does when it involves a child.
As adults we go about our lives and make the best choices we can.  Sometimes it works out and other times not so much.  However, we've still lived/experienced some quality of life (or at least we hope) before something bad happens.  She's 10.  I mean, why should anyone know this kind of pain, fear and disappointment at this stage in the game?  I'm not trying to say that cancer (or other diseases) at any age is easy-of course not.  Yet, for some reason it's a deeper blow when it happens to a child.

If you've ever been to "Sick Kid's Hospital" in Toronto, you know exactly what I'm talking about.  I used to walk their halls daily for 3 years and would always get this pain in my stomach when I did.  There was such a sense of remorse and unfairness that filled my mind with each corridor that I passed, that I couldn't bare to be there for long periods of time.  At the same time, there was always laughter that could be heard, spreading down each hall way.  Children's laughter-the best kind as far as I'm concerned.  There have been some really great things that have happened there.  Miracles, courage and faith are all motto's to live by within those walls.  However, it's hard to believe anything when it happens to you.  Or rather, it takes time to digest the news and adopt this way of thinking, but adopt it we must!  For what else could we possibly believe but that everything will be alright in the end.
I've always been the believer of the motto:  "Think of the worst and hope for the best"  Not something I'm proud of but it's all I can do when faced with obstacles of any nature.  I immediately become consumed and overwhelmed with it all, analyzing every possible scenario to death.  Then, when I'm completely and utterly exhausted with it all I pray.  I pray that God is right and I am in fact strong enough to carry this cross which has confronted my life at present, and begin to walk.  Slowly.
The truth is, it's not easy to be faced with this kind of thing and just think positively.  It's just not.  We want the best.  We hope, wish and pray for it, but it's not easy to put a face on (for ourselves or others) and just take it.  I think anyone would be lying if they said otherwise.  The uglier truth of it all:  There is no cure.  Will there ever be one? 
Folks, in the blink of an eye, from one second to the next, our lives can dramatically change for better or worse.  Think about your lives.  The people within them.  The choices we make.  The people that we've truly become.  The way we live.  Are you happy?  Are you really "living/enjoying" all you have or just merely "existing"?  Are you content with what you have, knowing that it's truly enough?  Or do we work/struggle with the 60+ hour work weeks, in hopes to attain things we don't really need?  Do you live your dreams or simply wish them?  Do you give thanks for each day or just wish the day to be done?  These are all things to think about.  If you think hard enough, you will hear the answers you need to hear. 
You want to know what I find funny?  The fact that it always takes something life-altering to happen, in order for us to be grateful for all we have (little or otherwise).  Only then do our lives seem/feel so abundant.  It's a very sad thing!  So don't want for something to happen to you to find meaning and significance in your life.  Just live.  The rest ( i believe) will take care of itself!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Love Thy Self

I always find it so fascinating just how much I learn and discover about myself on a daily basis.  After 37 years of being, I just thought I automatically knew exactly who I was by default however, this is simply not the case.  I suppose this is what it truly means to grow within yourself.  More and more I'm realizing that the person I may have been a year ago, is simply not the individual I am today.  Hell, at times, I'm not even the girl I was an hour ago.  I guess it's all relative to one's situation or what we go through on a daily basis that really makes us who we are.  It's not just a moment in time, but rather a bunch of small instances within many events that shape who we truly are.

As I begin my journey of writing my very first book, I find myself revisiting many different times in my life.  Some of which have made me laugh, and others that have made me cry.  I know that many people say that they have lived with no regrets or remorse when looking back at their lives, but I find it hard to believe such a statement to be true.  Perhaps it's just a very cool thing to say to make others envious, but is it really true?  I mean we're human and that automatically entails that we faulter from time to time, making mistakes along the way.  We aren't perfect in any way, so how can anyone honestly say that they have never regreted even one small second of their existance? 

Of course we can learn from them and set moments as examples of how to lead the rest of our lives, sure.  We can also say that we are content and have made peace with those indiscretions because they've made us who we are today, but do we honestly believe that we don't regret them?  Can we truthfully say that if we were granted the opportunity to go back in time and change one moment, one event from our lives we wouldn't?  Are there some who would forefit the wish because they are fine with all that's transpired?  If there are then I would truly love to meet these individuals.

I for one, have had many regrets within my life.  Not to say that i would care to change all that's happened  however; there are definitely a couple of moments I would change in a heartbeat if I could.  Neverthelss, I must say that I am thankful for all the times that I have been granted upon this earth.  I have fallen, yes but am grateful for all the lessons I have learned because of those events.  I can honestly say that I would have never known just how much strength and love I had, both for myself and others, if I had not encountered these trying times.  I wish sometimes that I could have learned my lessons in a different manner but a gift is a gift in any form.  So I am grateful nonetheless.

At this particular stage in the game of my life, I'm learning about "self-love and self-forgiveness"  something I haven't really known for a very long time.  Somehow I've forgotten how necessary the two can be.  Luckily for me, I have a fantastic group of friends and family who kindly remind me everyday.  I will not say that I have mastered either one just yet, but I'm learning to do so a little more each day.

Today, I learned the following:  That you should always be yourself, truthfully.  Always accept yourself, gratefully.  Always value yourself , joyfully and forgive yourself honestly and full-heartedly.  This is what it means to love myself right now, in this moment.

Sunday, September 11, 2011


On this day 10 years ago, the world experienced the very worst of human behaviour.  May God and man forgive this action someday soon.  For if we don't our world and lives will never be free.

This is in dedication to all the souls lost.   However, not only for those who died, but also for the individuals who lived and die a little each day because of this day and all it represented.

This morning I woke up without remembrance.

Without knowledge or attention of the day
Not until 8:43a.m. when time approached the hour
When nine years ago today that first plane hit the Tower.

I sit in silence all-alone.
It calles to me like a heart remembering home.
It was that day.
The day of sorrow.
The day of loss, when so many lives had no tomorrow.

I felt so sick for a little while.
Of why I could so easily forget such horror
Especially of a day where so many people had lost their smiles.

I sit here thinking of all souls lost
Perished beneath the ash
And all their loved ones left in wonder
Of all this day had cost

Will they ever forget dear Lord?
As I had for just one moment today
Will there pain and anguish ever subside
Their hurtful memories led astray

I hope and pray so much for this to be
Not that they forget the memories
But all it was that they had to see

Surround them Lord with all your grace
And help their hearts heal
From the terror of that day
When all their hopes for loved ones gone
Their future plans erased

Grant them wisdom and open minds
To see another side to what this day did bring
The love, peace and togetherness
The unity of brotherhood of all those who came to help
Regardless of the color of their skin

Help them to understand and see
That our freedom is a gift
A rich one grown through liberty

That in times like these
No matter how grim our worlds may seem
Help us Lord to always remember
That "even from nightmare
Can be born a dream"

NF AR911 { Never Forget....Always Remember 911}

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Who Were We?

I had the strangest dream last night.  Only, it wasn't the first time.  When I woke up, I knew that it was a dream that I had had many times before.  Every intricate detail, the same. 

The setting was old England.  1700 or 1800 to be exact, and I completely dressed as a Lady of upper society, with petticoats in toe.  I cannot tell you just how many dreams I have had in this same fashion.  For the longest time I truly believed that it was pieces of a past life re-surfacing.  Old memories coming back to light.  Do I believe in past lives?  Absolutely!  The details of these dreams are too real for them to simply be fluffed off as "just a dream"

In these dreams I am known as "Isabelle"  The strange thing about that is when I was young, I had a friend named Isabelle.  Whenever her name was called allowed in school or on the playground, I would either turn around or answer like it was second nature to me to do so.  Friends and teachers always looked at me strangely because of it.  So naturally, I would always make excuses for it.  However, I'm more than positive they were never believed.  It happened way too often for the explanations to ever hold water.

So, there is a great possibility that I was in fact, Lady Isabelle, from England, in a past life.  In fact I bet the bank on it.  A bold and crazy statement, I know.  Yet, it's just too real to deny.

I love old books, films and art of that era.  My most treasured book collection is my Shakespearean one.  I have been told by countless editors that my style of writing reads "Shakespearean like"  Not to say that this alone allows me to come to that assumption.  Of course not.  There are other things.  Strange things.  Odd things.

Do any of you believe in past lives?  Have any of you ever had the same kind of dream, possibly from a different time?

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

It Was This Time

R.I.P. Nael (Nick) N, M, K, Ayoub

My deepest apologies to all of you for not writing as of late.  You see, this time of year is always so incredibly sad and painful for me.  The month of August, a constant reminder of the loss of my beloved Grandmother.  The month of September...when Nick died.  I loose myself for a little while and reminisce about the times when I still had them both very much a part of my life.  How different it all was.  How wonderful.  How incredible beautiful.  I would do anything to have them back...anything.

So, today I merely go into my archives and re-post an older blog, in honor a beautiful man who left this life too soon.  My dearest Nael, you are never far from my thoughts, and in every beat of my heart till the day I see you again.
All my love..


Dear Nick:

It’s been 17 years that you’ve been gone, and I still feel like you were here yesterday.
Funny how memories and love for someone are always so real and vivid when they’re gone from your life forever.  In death as in life, I have tried to forget you, because it’s always been much too painful to remember you.  Even today, as I sit here writing you this letter, I am shaking and can barely type these words to you.
Filled with an abundance of mixed emotions – all of which stab my heart repeatedly.  In all this time I have never written or spoken aloud to you for very long simply because it kills me to do so.

To be honest, I’ve never felt worthy of even mentioning your name out loud since your death, because as you know I have always felt very much to blame for it happening at all. Throughout the years, so many of our friends have tried to help me through this. They’ve tried to comfort me with solace or freedom of these feelings. Yet, they will never die and fear that they will remain forever within me.

I suppose this is one of the reasons for this letter to you today. To ask for forgiveness, and to let you know what in life I never had the courage to say. So I pray that today God will lay these words upon your ears, somewhere in heaven.

I remember everything about us, you know. The way we met at our High school dance. The way you spent the next week that followed, looking in every classroom door window on 3 floors looking for me. The look in your eyes when you finally found me. The way you made “mad dashes” from each of your classes so you could run to mine before it ended –so that you could walk with me to the next one. All those stupid dandelion flowers you would bring me at lunch because you thought that I needed something pretty each day and couldn’t afford to get me roses. (I loved them you know. I know you always felt silly because I always laughed when you brought them. However, I giggled not to make fun of you, but to keep from crying over how incredibly adorable you were) I remember how upset you would get at other guys making rude or sexual comments toward me under their breath. How you’d come to defend my honour and tell them: “She’s not like that! This is one girl you treat as a Lady-always” The way you would get on a bus each and every day after school, to make sure that I got all the way home okay (when you, yourself only lived across the street) It would literally take you 40 minutes round trip to take me and get back home yourself and yet you didn’t care. I remember how the two of us got our very first part time jobs in the same mall, so that we could have more time together. (How silly we both looked in those red uniforms) The moment when you surprised me at one of our school dances with a beautiful Amethyst ring-just for me. The one you saw me “secretly” admiring from afar for months. You saved up all your money just to get it for me. I will never forget that moment in all my life. It was my very first promise ring. We danced to our song “Season’s Change” by Expose, because it held so much meaning between us. You said: “This ring means that I love you and always will-because you’re the only one I want to grow old with” Although, it’s a silly thing to say between two young teenage souls I know. Things always change and never remain quite the same, but this was different. In that moment, we knew it would always be that way.

Then, as the song, seasons did change and I allowed fear to enter our lives. There were people all around us that didn’t condone our relationship or understood our love. It challenged us in so many ways and I allowed it to cloud my own judgment. Throughout it all, you never altered or changed who you were with me. Your love, was still undying and forever mine. Yet, I was weak and afraid. Afraid that all I had with you was unreal and never to last. Naturally, it wasn’t what I believed at all, but I was blinded by the hate, blinded by the fear that racism brought to our love. I will never forget the pain I caused us both when it was all said and done. I want you to know that till this day I have never forgotten the look on your face when our relationship came to an end. I know you didn’t see me there, but I watched your face, your eyes, when my friend told you it was over. I was hiding, in the girl’s locker room because I was too afraid to face you. I literally felt our hearts breaking out loud. All I wanted to do was run out to you. All I wanted was you. I knew that then, as clearly as I still feel it now. Yet, I was paralyzed with fear and didn’t do a thing.

The next few years to follow were so difficult. We both went through so many changes because of that one moment in time. All of which were damaging. You changed because of me-as did I. I feel as though I single-handedly took our innocence away and will never feel any differently. You became this rebel, defying anything and anyone in your path. I, well I became lost and will forever remain love’s suicide.

We both went through countless empty relationships-never again finding what you and I once had. I feel I never will.

You couldn’t bare to look at me for years. To be honest I could barely look at myself. You became so cynical when it came to women and love and I’m truly sorry for that. You will never really know how much.

The very last memory I share with you in this life, was sitting together in your Aunt’s donut shop in the Fall of 1991. It was the first time since our love had died, that we ever actually sat together and talked. We spoke nothing of the past, or the present but shared a moment that I will never forget. God, we must have sat there for hours just staring at one another and you holding my hand. I remember how warm it was and how cold mine were. You always warmed me; you said it was “your job to keep me safe and warm” we both laughed again at the thought of it. We sat a little while longer, then we left and I never saw you again. You died the next fall and God forgive me but I truly believe that most of me died with you. After all, we were only 19...

Nael (Nick), you will never truly know the emptiness that I have carried around all these years since your death. I have never been truly whole since you. I have tried so hard to let go of you and the pain/guilt I have always felt for leaving you. Perhaps because It was never my choice to go, but one I was forced to make at the time. Perhaps because I knew in my heart that I would never love anyone ever again the way I loved you. Perhaps because if I never allowed our love to die, then you would still be here. I can’t help but feel like I am the one to blame for all of it: Breaking your heart, being responsible for you never believing in love again, becoming so reckless and causing your life to go down a path of destruction-and inevitably causing your death. I’m never truly at peace. I try to make amends and live my life differently now, but to no avail. I feel like no matter how many times I tell you I’m sorry it can never be enough. This is and will forever be my truest regret within this life.

I want you to know that I am so blessed and grateful that God loved me that much to bring you into my life. Although, the pain of your death haunts me, I am trying to make peace with it everyday. I’m learning to appreciate rather than to hate Allah for the destiny of you and I. That although you’re gone, at least I had you for a little while.

I know you know this from wherever you stand today, but I wanted you to hear it all from me: I love you, I’ve always loved you. All the things that I believe in today are somehow mirrored by who you were in this life. I hate no-one, I judge no-one. My heart is always worn on my sleeve and care not what others think of the person I am –because I am proud of me, just for me. Racism has no presence in my life. It never will again. I look for that love, that sweetness, that romantic and gentlemanly nature you had in every man I meet. Yet it always falls short. For there will never be another you.

R.I.P. Nael (Nick) N, M, K, Ayoub