Something really crazy happened a few days ago. I had a "love at first sight" moment. It was very odd and strange for me, because I'm not one of those people who have those kinds of episodes/experiences. I believe it's possible-whole heatedly however, at my age I've given up on that idea. The entire analogy of looking at someone for the first time and feeling love is not only crazy, but a tad insane. I mean how can anyone possibly "love" anyone they don't even know? Yet, I suppose one would have to experience it to understand. Well, now that I have I can honestly say that I get it.
I think calling it "love at first sight" is not what I would describe it as being, but rather " butterflies at first sight" Now, I've had butterflies before but not quite like this. It was this intense and overwhelming feeling that immediately washed over me as I watched this man casually enter my area of vision. I was instantly hooked, drawn, captured...whatever you wanna call it. All i know is that in that moment, my entire life just "stopped" and I had entered a different realm of state. Every internal bell and whistle went off, shouting "OMGoosh..there he is. He's the guy" Crazy right? And yet, it was entirely happening.
Realizing immediately that I had somehow stumbled upon something wonderful, I knew that contact had to be made. Then, tragedy struck: Engaged! Just like that, my heart sank into the lowest part of me. I didn't get it. He was perfect (for me). The most incredible "baby brown eyes" that I had ever seen. You know the ones I'm talking about. Eyes that you could get lost in. Beautiful long wavy dark locks. The most incredible smile I've seen in a long time. It was one where it was adorable and sinful all in the same breath. Tall, rugged and handsome. Arms that you just needed to be held by; knowing that their embrace could cure the darkest of my days. A musician and song-writer, gifted by the heavens to make you melt with his talents. A guitarist and singer. A simple man who somehow knows the importance of remaining a child somewhere in his heart-forever. Funny, easy-going and warm.
To the average reader this may all sound swell but to those who know me, truly KNOW ME, will understand and instantly feel my pain. This guy couldn't have been more perfect for me if I had created him myself. But alas...taken, soon to be wed to the love of HIS life.
I found my mind posing a certain question to my heart: In any given lifetime, are we only allotted a certain number of times to fall in love? Sometimes, I think that I've "used up" all of my chances at finding a great love. I've been blessed to have loved and been loved a number of times in my life. Yet, as grateful as I am for having those incredible experiences, I wonder if that was it. Have I used up all my "Love Cards"? Perhaps my time is done and the time for great loves has passed me by. I mean, what other reason could there possibly be? Why else would this spectacle of a man be "dangled" in front of me, only to be snatched away by "very bad timing" It's just not fair.
Maybe true love is a decision. You know, a decision to take a chance with somebody. To give to somebody. Without worrying whether they’ll give anything back. Or if they’re gonna hurt you, or if they really are the one. Maybe love isn’t something that happens to you. Maybe it’s something you have to choose.
It was nice though. Feeling alive like that. Definitely glad I found him..even just for a moment.
Throughout the ages many people have written about love. If you're an artist such as myself even more so. You live it, breath it and dream it all the time-which makes for great songwriting and poetry.
For me, it's truly the one thing that I believe I will never understand in this life. Perhaps because we all have our own ideas of what it is and should be like. Expectations of how it will be in our lives. So, I suppose there lies the first mistake. Expectations lead to possible failures, which then bring life to disappointments. Yet, if we do not have expectations there are no limits (i think) to which you allow yourself to be hurt. So either way, you're utterly screwed.
I am certainly one of those people who have a "love expectation". Dare I say that it's a pure and utter addiction for me. The high I get from it can surpass the level of any possible drug available. I know what it should feel like, look like and be like. More importantly, I know exactly how the other person and I should react /connect with one another. Yet, I sit with more "broken heart badges" on my sleeve than any real "love accomplishments". Then comes the other side to being addicted to love: Falling out of it. When you're in it, the highs are really high. However, when you come off of it, the lows are bad.
So why on earth am I "falling in love" or just generally falling for all the wrong kind of guys?
I swear to God if there is loser within a 100 mile radius, I will find him!!!!
Those who know me know the war I have going on with love. It's insane. My friends call it: "The Nightingale Syndrome" Find a man with a sob story or down on his luck and I will rescue him. It's as if I look for the broken ones-or dare I say, they look for me. Apparently, I nurture people quite well, so they become drawn to it. Yes, I do have a very loving/giving nature to me, but when was that considered a bad thing? Was I the only one that didn't get the memo???? So it's become painfully clear that this "wearing your heart on your sleeve" thing is definitely a magnet and invitation for all the deadbeats of the land to come and cling to. I dunno, I will never understand how people can use others like that. Take all they can and just leave you there -dry and empty. You give, they take and you never get in return. Oh, no..wait! You do. You do get things in return. If you're really lucky, you get to receive gifts like: low self-esteem/worth. Hallow pains deep within your chest, where you heart once was. Feelings of doubt and incredible stupidity about the person you are or have become, simply because you allowed someone to make you feel that way. Are we to blame? I think so, or at least to an extent. However, I'd like to think that the other party can play a magnificent role in your "self-destructiveness" also. Yes, there is being naive or being just plain dumb for missing the signs that arise in "wrongful love sagas" but some people...well they are just really great pretenders and you won't even see them coming.
Let's take my ex-guy for a moment, shall we? Came into my life a little over 4 years ago. Took my heart, used my money when times got rough and the recession took his job. Brought him to live with me when things really got bad and he couldn't afford his own place to live anymore. Took all the love, support and generosity that was bestowed upon him by my family, all my friends and of course, myself and devoured it every chance he got. He allowed us to all think/believe that he was this "stand up guy" who was a very kind, modest, humble and loving individual. Banked on the fact that we had connections within society and helped him find not one but two really great career opportunities (that would never have been made possible without us) He even helped himself to my car during the last 6 months of our relationship because his was demolished in a car crash. Now, I know what you're thinking. This is a very selfish list. Here I am going on about the things he took from me and leaving no mention of the things he gave me. Absolutely right! So allow me to tell you what he gave.
He gave me the gift of knowing first hand what it felt like to live with someone who led two completely different lives: Relationship Guy and Cheater Guy. See I was very lucky. Some girls only get one guy when involved in a relationship but I had two. Two for the price of one. That's a bargain anywhere!! Relationship guy wanted to get married and have children someday (although he was continuously struggling with that opinion), while Cheater guy used online chats, web cams, emails, personal ads, lies (and Lord only knows what else) to get his fill of everything he really wanted. All the while, I was at work trying to make a buck so that I could support us during this difficult time. The whole time actually believing that he was at home, spending his days looking for work. After months of continual debt and denial we broke up on the grounds of many things. Mainly because he couldn't bare to tell me the truth about all his secrets and I couldn't tell him the truth about knowing them all-without any need for his confessions. Till this day, I find it fascinating that he honestly thought I was THAT stupid and didn't know all that he did behind my back/when I was away. Hmm.. Little did I know that there was still more to come.
It's been about 10 months now since our break up and the lies continue. Only this time, I am lucky enough not to be the recipient of them. Now he has deemed a couple of other women as "his loves". The funny part...they each think that they are "the only one". It's quite commical. He tells them both a similar tale, that he has been single for the past 4 years because his divorce was quite traumatic and he has had very little time to give of himself in a new relationship-until now. That he has spent the last 4 horrible years of his life alone, trying to find someone who will be there for him, nurture him and love him, so that he won't be all alone in this world any longer. "Huh" Imagine that! Not only did he take with all his might for the past 4 years, he has the audacity to deny me and all the others who helped him stand. Like I said, I truly know how to pick them, folks! The real class acts of society. If anyone should be erasing the past 4 years it should be me. Yet, apparently he feels like he was the one short changed! Incredible!
So why is it that we allow ourselves to become these pathetic creatures, after love has gone terribly wrong? I mean we are all intelligent people right? We, ourselves know more than anyone else, exactly what's best for us. We know when things are just not right-especially when it comes to love. I know I should, because I have the expectations of how I want to feel and be treated by another that I am in love with. So why? Why do I let it happen, again and again? We do any of us? How is it that intelligent people become utterly stupid when in love? It's beyond me.
To think..I actually mourned this loss for almost an entire year, blaming myself for most of it. Glad that's over! Now, I'm feeling great and well I must pay tribute where it's due. It's all because of him, my ex-guy. I never realized just how incredible and extraordinary I actually was until he left my life. I may not have found "the right" love, but I know a little more about myself because I loved him. I now love myself more because he didn't love me enough. And someday..someday, I'll get it right. For now, it's my time to make Gia spectacular.
My deepest apologies to all of you for not writing as of late. You see, this time of year is always so incredibly sad and painful for me. The month of August, a constant reminder of the loss of my beloved Grandmother. The month of September...when Nick died. I loose myself for a little while and reminisce about the times when I still had them both very much a part of my life. How different it all was. How wonderful. How incredible beautiful. I would do anything to have them back...anything.
So, today I merely go into my archives and re-post an older blog, in honor a beautiful man who left this life too soon. My dearest Nael, you are never far from my thoughts, and in every beat of my heart till the day I see you again.
All my love..
Gia
It’s been 17 years that you’ve been gone, and I still feel like you were here yesterday.
Funny how memories and love for someone are always so real and vivid when they’re gone from your life forever. In death as in life, I have tried to forget you, because it’s always been much too painful to remember you. Even today, as I sit here writing you this letter, I am shaking and can barely type these words to you.
Filled with an abundance of mixed emotions – all of which stab my heart repeatedly. In all this time I have never written or spoken aloud to you for very long simply because it kills me to do so.
To be honest, I’ve never felt worthy of even mentioning your name out loud since your death, because as you know I have always felt very much to blame for it happening at all. Throughout the years, so many of our friends have tried to help me through this. They’ve tried to comfort me with solace or freedom of these feelings. Yet, they will never die and fear that they will remain forever within me.
I suppose this is one of the reasons for this letter to you today. To ask for forgiveness, and to let you know what in life I never had the courage to say. So I pray that today God will lay these words upon your ears, somewhere in heaven.
I remember everything about us, you know. The way we met at our High school dance. The way you spent the next week that followed, looking in every classroom door window on 3 floors looking for me. The look in your eyes when you finally found me. The way you made “mad dashes” from each of your classes so you could run to mine before it ended –so that you could walk with me to the next one. All those stupid dandelion flowers you would bring me at lunch because you thought that I needed something pretty each day and couldn’t afford to get me roses. (I loved them you know. I know you always felt silly because I always laughed when you brought them. However, I giggled not to make fun of you, but to keep from crying over how incredibly adorable you were) I remember how upset you would get at other guys making rude or sexual comments toward me under their breath. How you’d come to defend my honour and tell them: “She’s not like that! This is one girl you treat as a Lady-always” The way you would get on a bus each and every day after school, to make sure that I got all the way home okay (when you, yourself only lived across the street) It would literally take you 40 minutes round trip to take me and get back home yourself and yet you didn’t care. I remember how the two of us got our very first part time jobs in the same mall, so that we could have more time together. (How silly we both looked in those red uniforms) The moment when you surprised me at one of our school dances with a beautiful Amethyst ring-just for me. The one you saw me “secretly” admiring from afar for months. You saved up all your money just to get it for me. I will never forget that moment in all my life. It was my very first promise ring. We danced to our song “Season’s Change” by Expose, because it held so much meaning between us. You said: “This ring means that I love you and always will-because you’re the only one I want to grow old with” Although, it’s a silly thing to say between two young teenage souls I know. Things always change and never remain quite the same, but this was different. In that moment, we knew it would always be that way.
Then, as the song, seasons did change and I allowed fear to enter our lives. There were people all around us that didn’t condone our relationship or understood our love. It challenged us in so many ways and I allowed it to cloud my own judgment. Throughout it all, you never altered or changed who you were with me. Your love, was still undying and forever mine. Yet, I was weak and afraid. Afraid that all I had with you was unreal and never to last. Naturally, it wasn’t what I believed at all, but I was blinded by the hate, blinded by the fear that racism brought to our love. I will never forget the pain I caused us both when it was all said and done. I want you to know that till this day I have never forgotten the look on your face when our relationship came to an end. I know you didn’t see me there, but I watched your face, your eyes, when my friend told you it was over. I was hiding, in the girl’s locker room because I was too afraid to face you. I literally felt our hearts breaking out loud. All I wanted to do was run out to you. All I wanted was you. I knew that then, as clearly as I still feel it now. Yet, I was paralyzed with fear and didn’t do a thing.
The next few years to follow were so difficult. We both went through so many changes because of that one moment in time. All of which were damaging. You changed because of me-as did I. I feel as though I single-handedly took our innocence away and will never feel any differently. You became this rebel, defying anything and anyone in your path. I, well I became lost and will forever remain love’s suicide.
We both went through countless empty relationships-never again finding what you and I once had. I feel I never will.
You couldn’t bare to look at me for years. To be honest I could barely look at myself. You became so cynical when it came to women and love and I’m truly sorry for that. You will never really know how much.
The very last memory I share with you in this life, was sitting together in your Aunt’s donut shop in the Fall of 1991. It was the first time since our love had died, that we ever actually sat together and talked. We spoke nothing of the past, or the present but shared a moment that I will never forget. God, we must have sat there for hours just staring at one another and you holding my hand. I remember how warm it was and how cold mine were. You always warmed me; you said it was “your job to keep me safe and warm” we both laughed again at the thought of it. We sat a little while longer, then we left and I never saw you again. You died the next fall and God forgive me but I truly believe that most of me died with you. After all, we were only 19...
Nael (Nick), you will never truly know the emptiness that I have carried around all these years since your death. I have never been truly whole since you. I have tried so hard to let go of you and the pain/guilt I have always felt for leaving you. Perhaps because It was never my choice to go, but one I was forced to make at the time. Perhaps because I knew in my heart that I would never love anyone ever again the way I loved you. Perhaps because if I never allowed our love to die, then you would still be here. I can’t help but feel like I am the one to blame for all of it: Breaking your heart, being responsible for you never believing in love again, becoming so reckless and causing your life to go down a path of destruction-and inevitably causing your death. I’m never truly at peace. I try to make amends and live my life differently now, but to no avail. I feel like no matter how many times I tell you I’m sorry it can never be enough. This is and will forever be my truest regret within this life.
I want you to know that I am so blessed and grateful that God loved me that much to bring you into my life. Although, the pain of your death haunts me, I am trying to make peace with it everyday. I’m learning to appreciate rather than to hate Allah for the destiny of you and I. That although you’re gone, at least I had you for a little while.
I know you know this from wherever you stand today, but I wanted you to hear it all from me: I love you, I’ve always loved you. All the things that I believe in today are somehow mirrored by who you were in this life. I hate no-one, I judge no-one. My heart is always worn on my sleeve and care not what others think of the person I am –because I am proud of me, just for me. Racism has no presence in my life. It never will again. I look for that love, that sweetness, that romantic and gentlemanly nature you had in every man I meet. Yet it always falls short. For there will never be another you.
One white rose simple and true
A delicate creation of sweetness
Unlike the others, it portrays love as something fragile and new
Different from a red rose for it does not scream aloud
Yet, still equally perfect with a simple splash of love
The white rose is quiet, delicate and never poses to be a lion
But rather comes into your heart as gently as a dove
For some the white rose may not be as treasured as the red
They say it's not as fancy, not as passionate and simply less beautiful
I would be the lady to disagree
As i would much rather have the white instead
It may seem that the red takes a higher place of realm by day
Yet, by night all of it's mystery dies and fades away
Leaving the truest one, the purest one to shine so bright
So much in fact that it lights up in the moonlight.
"When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long. You may think that love is only for the lucky and the strong. But just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow, lies the seed that with the sun's love in the spring becomes...THE ROSE"
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
TO MY FUTURE SOUL MATE....
Although we are apart & may never have met, those of faith say that within this world of space & time, we are already together, but just can't see it yet. So, to ease the pain of relentless time, I am writing this letter in hopes that it will somehow draw your soul to mine. Truth be known, I have looked for you and still do everywhere. In the streets, in my dreams... in the eyes of every soul I meet. I have spent this time apart from you alone, setting goals, realizing dreams and becoming the Lady I have always wanted to be. I have had many journeys within my life, ones that I will share with you. For someday I will also learn about what you have endured in your own path, while searching for me too. There have been many who have asked me who you are and what you stand for. My response to them has always been the same, that the man I love knows my worth and loves me more. All he asks I shall be.... so he will always know that all he needs will always begin with me!
It was Sir Hugh Seymour Walpole (one of my favourite English Writers of all time), who once said: "They say that one's best success comes after their greatest disappointments". So here I am. No stranger to life's disappointments or Love's scars, but still willing to make the journey to find love and happiness. "The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvellous thing". As if it was all meant as sort of a divine accident. So you could say that I am still waiting to be found.
HOW I THINK....
Having a love for writing, words are very important to me. They tell me you're interesting - and interested. I can be a million things, but if you don't find me interesting in the first few lines, well then I think it's pretty safe to say that you won't stick around long enough to finish what I wrote, let alone a lifetime. I like reading about a person. How an individual carries themselves in written thought, illustrates a lot about their character and their heart.
ABOUT ME...
I am a Writer in search of my very own love story. I'm a sassy, vibrant lady who is very passionate about life and living it. I am best described as artistic and slightly eccentric epicurean. Those who spend time with me claim that I have a very addictive vibe. I'm a very laid back and easy going gal, who definitely knows what she wants out of life. A very positive individual, who tries to surround herself with like-minded people. I'm someone who enjoys the little things in life, because I believe that those are truly the most important things people tend to miss. I always tend to look for the good in people. I'm someone who is very playful and prone to laughter. I love to inspire people. I guess that's why I chose to be a Writer. I love that my words can ignite passions and make people happy. That in turn makes me happy. I can assure you, you've never known anyone like me before...
Men who've dated me have described me as being: An angel with a devilish kind of flavour - and a sensual/sexy voice to match. A demure librarian type by day with a feisty, firey flare by night. So basically, I am a "classy" woman with a healthy and slightly wild superwoman/vixen alter ego. A lady who will always be your sweetheart, but should never be mistaken as a push-over. A great "wing girl" because I can open a conversation on any topic and have the substance/intellect to keep the dialogue flowing. A lady who will definitely keep your attention in every way.
I am what most would call a "true Sagittarian Lady" which means that I am someone very social, who craves life to be exciting and spontaneous. That is not to say that I do not appreciate my down time, because I most certainly do. There is a lot that can be said about spending a cozy night in with some wine, some Miles Davis playing in the background, a roaring fire and of course some amazing company to enjoy this all with.
YOU...
You are someone who believes that love and sensuality live together. That your "forever girl" is truly out there. Someone who insists on establishing a strong friendship and ultimately a life-long love affair.
You're loyal, sincere, educated, articulate, and down to earth. You like to laugh but have a serious side that is sensitive and reflective.
You will not have to be prefect or gorgeous in anyone's eyes but mine. It takes more than a cute smile, smouldering biceps and a great line to get my attention. Yet, I assure you that once it is caught, you will definitely be in for the adventure of your life!
You are happy, disturbingly bright, charismatic, independent, funny, confident but not overbearing, secure within yourself to be with a strong woman, open-minded & deviously sexy. A true romantic in your soul.
You are someone pure of heart. Someone who isn't afraid to show me his soul. Someone who can be his own man, in mind and strength.
You must have an incredible passion for life and knows when to be silly or serious.
The connection with your family must be strong. You are someone who will definitely want one of your own someday- without question or hesitation. Someone strong, yet loving. Confident, but not egotistical. Someone who is a dreamer, yet realistic when the situation calls for it. A man with a robust sense of humor, a keen intellect (not necessarily the kind you get from books), who possesses a child-like heart.
So if you love being:
1) Entirely silly as much as you enjoy an extended cerebral conversation that can last for days,
2) Spontaneous and jumping in puddles on occasion,
3) Fun loving, romantic and sensual
4) In Love, knowing that you're entirely loved in return
Then we would certainly be a match made in heaven, to be joined on earth.
LOVE...FRANKLY MY DEARS, WE SHOULD ALL GIVE A DAMN!
I've been reading a lot lately. My main focus has been old themes of love, life and religion.
I miss true love stories. I miss stories of how people find themselves in life and how religion plays a role in all of it. There is something about today's world that lacks these elements. Therefore, I have chosen to get lost in the words and worlds of my favourite authors.
Being thrown back into the world of dating and self-reflection once again, I cannot help but be constantly reminded that most people just don't have time for romance or creating themselves anymore.
Everywhere I look all people seem to be doing is racing off to work (more than likely a job they hate) and serial dating just anyone because they cannot be bothered with the desire it takes to make real connections.
So we resort to online/phone dating to meet people. We spend much of our hard earned dollars to punch in silly answers to silly questions in surveys that so called "dating experts" have made up-claiming that it's fool proof. I don't know about you, but I've seen some of the couples that these places have thrown together and well, there is no other way to say this: WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING?????
Yes, of course some situations really do work out this way. I have many friends who have found their "soul mates" online and could not be happier, but I think it's a rare thing. I am not frowning upon the idea entirely. All I'm saying is why can't we just "make time" to go out and meet Mr/Ms. Right anymore? Of course times have changed. Yes, people are "crazy busy" with work or taking care of loved ones. I understand all of that, but are we not worth spending time on? Making time to find love is just as important as making an effort to keep your body healthy. It's just as important as your commitment to your job. So why don't we go back to meeting people to old fashion way?
Most will argue that there aren't many people of substance, roaming around town anymore. I beg to differ. I think there are, but we are just too busy to notice. We are all too busy to take even an hour out of our days to catch up with friends at a local coffee house or pub. It takes up too much time to have a weekly dinner with people at a restaurant. Or to talk a walk on your lunch hour and enjoy some sunshine and "people watch". To go dancing or for drinks every now and again, because it's fun. In doing all things, the potential of possibilities of finding someone are endless.
Nevertheless, we don't do it, because we're tired, busy or just simply lazy. Yet, we will sit in front of our computers, browsing through hundreds of ads, desperately seeking someone who will jump out at us and peek our interests. Or sit on these dating phone lines for hours going through meaningless voice box after meaningless voice box, to find the one voice that we can fall in love with. Then, we will spend days or weeks trying to get to know them. Emailing pictures of ourselves and hoping they find us attractive enough to write back to. Trying to develop a comfortable rapport so that we can eventually meet them with all of our insecurities in toe. We don't have time to go out and meet people, but we sure as hell have time to do all this right? I'm exhausted just tying it out, let alone to live it.
When I'm ready to do so, I would love to find someone the old fashion way. Not to say that I will burn any other avenues, but I'd rather give focus to going out there and exploring people. It will not only find me love (hopefully) but it will get me out into the world to share my life with friends and family as well.
As a society, we have forgotten what it means to really connect with one another -without the Internet. The way I see it, finding love this way will push me to give myself a break from the daily stresses in life. To push myself to remember what's really important, and that is making time for me. I'm not saying go "looking for love" because I don't really think it happens that way anyway. Yet, being out enjoying my life with family and friends, in pubs, restaurants, nightclubs, social events/gatherings or even church will expose me to like minded individuals. At the end of it all I can reflect back on these times and say that at the very least I have made memories, spending an hour or two with people I love, living life. Rather than spending that same amount of time (or more) locked away in my office or home, on a computer. Looking through endless ads, filled with pictures and words of individuals who could very well be posting someone else's images and vibes. (tell me that doesn't happen a million times a day)
As for myself, I think I'm worth the effort to try. I'm a hopeless romantic and a writer after all, so having a "story" to tell my children and theirs someday of how I met their dad/grandfather is really special to my heart. I know exactly what I want and what I am looking for. Thanks to all of my failed relationships I also know what I absolutely don't want as well.
I know some people get very sad and discouraged when they are put in a position to find love again, but I suppose I'm different. It's exciting to know that "my guy" is still out there waiting to be found. Even if I don't manage to find my version of love in this life time, at least I will be content knowing that I did what I could to be open to it.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
A woman approached me the other day and wanted to share how much she has truly enjoyed my writing over the years. She told me that she has read individual thoughts before, but for some reason mine really touched her. For years I always wondered what that moment would feel like. When someone you barely know approaches you and tells you that something you've done has touched them in such a way that truly unexplainable. I thought about what I would say, how I would react, but one is never quite prepared for such an event - at least I wasn't. What I can say is that I was incredibly humbled by the entire experience. However nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen next.
The woman began speaking to me about her family. She told me about her daughter, then her son and how proud she was of them and all they have meant to her. Then she told me about her husband. As she spoke I began to notice how tears filled her eyes. Then suddenly, they cleared and her face exuded a love and warmth I could barely explain with mere words. She told me how much she loved him and how he truly made both her and her family unit whole. She spoke with such love for this man, in a manner that I haven't heard anyone refer to their other half in all my life. In a world filled with so much cynicism surrounding love and marriage, here was a woman who could truly show everyone how it's really done! She was the epitome of what those two words were truly about. It was utterly beautiful and I am so thankful to have been part of it all.
Then, she asked me how I would feel about writing a eulogy for him. The look on my face must have spoken volumes because the next thing she asked was if I was alright. Then it suddenly made sense, the tears in her eyes when she spoke of him, the glow of love that filled her face when she told me about him and now the eulogy. "He must be ill", I thought. So I decided to ask her. She said that he was in perfect health, but that he is such a great man and didn't want to "misrepresent him" when the time came. I stood in "awe" of this woman as she stood there and went into great detail about her life with him. How lucky she was to love a man as much as she did and more importantly, how much she was loved in return.
I have often wondered if real love like that actually exists. I certainly have written about it, I've definitely dreamt of it and I have always hoped to both give it and find it in my own life someday. Yet, as much as I have ever dared to dream of such a thing, I was so delighted to finally have the answer smack me straight in the face. Oh, and what a beautiful blow it was. There truly is hope for love out there. Love, in it's truest form does exist. Even in a world filled with so much negativity surrounding it.
The entire thing actually made my heart smile. I loved sitting there watching her every emotion come alive while she spoke of their love. Wondering if I would ever speak about someone like that. More importantly, wondering if anyone would ever speak of me that way. Nevertheless, it was a very comforting thought that it is absolutely possible.
I told the woman that it would be my honor and distinct pleasure to be a part of their love. When the time comes ( may it be a million years away) I will do my best to represent in words all that this man had come to mean to her -within this lifetime. Having met her and hearing about this beautiful love, I truly do not believe I could ever put into words all that they have shared...but I will do my best to try.
She looked at me and smiled. " After reading your words and having the opportunity to know a little bit about the woman you are, I wouldn't dare dream of asking anyone else. You are just the person to express my love" Those precious words were followed by the longest, deepest and sweetest embrace I had felt in a long time.
A special thank you to that woman. She reminded me why I ever wanted to write in the first place.
As of late, I’ve been getting rather frustrated with myself-when It comes to my writing.
It seems that I’ve been hitting something Writer’s call “a writing block” for some time now.
Normally, this wouldn’t concern me because it’s a natural thing for a Writer to go through, but I’ve been going though so many emotions lately that this truly shouldn’t be a problem. A constant swirl of emotions surround life’s events are usually a Writer’s dream, because it makes for incredible story telling and flow of writing in general. Yet lately for me it’s been a struggle.
Today I promised myself I would write no matter what. Whatever the outcome was, so be it, but it was going to happen. So I sat here, for a long while and nothing. Sure there are an abundance of topics I could touch upon but nothing called to my heart. Then, it happened...
My nephew: Matthew (a.k.a. Bum Bum), came to my mind, and I was suddenly consumed with thoughts to write about. I shouldn’t be surprised really, as this wonderful creation of life has been my muse on many occasions. It’s incredible how such a tiny little face can make me feel so full of happiness and life. Without words, he gives birth to mine every time. He is always my reason, when things become unclear. I have had this incredible urge to do greatness ever since he was born. In hopes that he may someday look at me the way I always look at him: With pride, adoration and energy only a heart can truly express.
Matty, this one’s for you:
My Little Bum Bum…
I still remember the day you were born
What a crazy April night
We waited and waited for your arrival
And your Mama tried with all her might
To bring you into this world in peace and love
And when you finally came you were truly a miracle from God above.
A picture of perfection in all your glory
You looked at us and smiled
Wide eyed and eager to begin your story
What a ride the first year would be
Both Mama and Papa can attest
A time of diapers, bottles and baby wipes
As far as the eye could see.
Today you look like a little man
With an incredible zest for life
Smiling, running and saying little things
That we are all beginning to understand
You melted my heart from the time you were just hours old
You are now and will forever be my little “Bum Bum”
And always mine to hold
My dearest Matthew, the muse of my words
I wish for you the most wonderful of all things
Always know that I love you
And truly want for you, the best that life can bring.
***This blog has not been edited, altered or revised***
My dearest Nael,
It’s been 17 years that you’ve been gone, and I still feel like you were here yesterday.
Funny how memories and love for someone are always so real and vivid when they’re gone from your life forever.
In death as in life, I have tried to forget you, because it’s always been much too painful to remember you.
Even today, as I sit here writing you this letter, I am shaking and can barely type these words to you.
Filled with an abundance of mixed emotions – all of which stab my heart repeatedly.
In all this time I have never written or spoken aloud to you for very long simply because it kills me to do so.
To be honest, I’ve never felt worthy of even mentioning your name out loud since your death, because as you know I have always felt very much to blame for it happening at all. Throughout the years, so many of our friends have tried to help me through this. They’ve tried to comfort me with solace or freedom of these feelings. Yet, they will never die and fear that they will remain forever within me.
I suppose this is one of the reasons for this letter to you today. To ask for forgiveness, and to let you know what in life I never had the courage to say. So I pray that today God will lay these words upon your ears, somewhere in heaven.
I remember everything about us, you know. The way we met at our High school dance. The way you spent the next week that followed, looking in every classroom door window on 3 floors looking for me. The look in your eyes when you finally found me. The way you made “mad dashes” from each of your classes so you could run to mine before it ended –so that you could walk with me to the next one. All those stupid dandelion flowers you would bring me at lunch because you thought that I needed something pretty each day and couldn’t afford to get me roses. (I loved them you know. I know you always felt silly because I always laughed when you brought them. However, I giggled not to make fun of you, but to keep from crying over how incredibly adorable you were) I remember how upset you would get at other guys making rude or sexual comments toward me under their breath. How you’d come to defend my honour and tell them: “She’s not like that! This is one girl you treat as a Lady-always” The way you would get on a bus each and every day after school, to make sure that I got all the way home okay (when you, yourself only lived across the street) It would literally take you 40 minutes round trip to take me and get back home yourself and yet you didn’t care. I remember how the two of us got our very first part time jobs in the same mall, so that we could have more time together. (How silly we both looked in those red uniforms) The moment when you surprised me at one of our school dances with a beautiful Amethyst ring-just for me. The one you saw me “secretly” admiring from afar for months. You saved up all your money just to get it for me. I will never forget that moment in all my life. It was my very first promise ring. We danced to our song “Season’s Change” by Expose, because it held so much meaning between us. You said: “This ring means that I love you and always will-because you’re the only one I want to grow old with” Although, it’s a silly thing to say between two young teenage souls I know. Things always change and never remain quite the same, but this was different. In that moment, we knew it would always be that way.
Then, as the song, seasons did change and I allowed fear to enter our lives. There were people all around us that didn’t condone our relationship or understood our love. It challenged us in so many ways and I allowed it to cloud my own judgment. Throughout it all, you never altered or changed who you were with me. Your love, was still undying and forever mine. Yet, I was weak and afraid. Afraid that all I had with you was unreal and never to last. Naturally, it wasn’t what I believed at all, but I was blinded by the hate, blinded by the fear that racism brought to our love. I will never forget the pain I caused us both when it was all said and done. I want you to know that till this day I have never forgotten the look on your face when our relationship came to an end. I know you didn’t see me there, but I watched your face, your eyes, when my friend told you it was over. I was hiding, in the girl’s locker room because I was too afraid to face you. I literally felt our hearts breaking out loud. All I wanted to do was run out to you. All I wanted was you. I knew that then, as clearly as I still feel it now. Yet, I was paralyzed with fear and didn’t do a thing.
The next few years to follow were so difficult. We both went through so many changes because of that one moment in time. All of which were damaging. You changed because of me-as did I. I feel as though I single-handedly took our innocence away and will never feel any differently. You became this rebel, defying anything and anyone in your path. I, well I became lost and will forever remain love’s suicide.
We both went through countless empty relationships-never again finding what you and I once had. I feel I never will.
You couldn’t bare to look at me for years. To be honest I could barely look at myself. You became so cynical when it came to women and love and I’m truly sorry for that. You will never really know how much.
The very last memory I share with you in this life, was sitting together in your Aunt’s donut shop in the Fall of 1991. It was the first time since our love had died, that we ever actually sat together and talked. We spoke nothing of the past, or the present but shared a moment that I will never forget. God, we must have sat there for hours just staring at one another and you holding my hand. I remember how warm it was and how cold mine were. You always warmed me; you said it was “your job to keep me safe and warm” we both laughed again at the thought of it. We sat a little while longer, then we left and I never saw you again. You died the next fall and God forgive me but I truly believe that most of me died with you. After all, we were only 19...
Nael (Nick), you will never truly know the emptiness that I have carried around all these years since your death. I have never been truly whole since you. I have tried so hard to let go of you and the pain/guilt I have always felt for leaving you. Perhaps because It was never my choice to go, but one I was forced to make at the time. Perhaps because I knew in my heart that I would never love anyone ever again the way I loved you. Perhaps because if I never allowed our love to die, then you would still be here. I can’t help but feel like I am the one to blame for all of it: Breaking your heart, being responsible for you never believing in love again, becoming so reckless and causing your life to go down a path of destruction-and inevitably causing your death. I’m never truly at peace. I try to make amends and live my life differently now, but to no avail. I feel like no matter how many times I tell you I’m sorry it can never be enough.
This is and will forever be my truest regret within this life.
I want you to know that I am so blessed and grateful that God loved me that much to bring you into my life. Although, the pain of your death haunts me, I am trying to make peace with it everyday. I’m learning to appreciate rather than to hate Allah for the destiny of you and I. That although you’re gone, at least I had you for a little while.
I know you know this from wherever you stand today, but I wanted you to hear it all from me: I love you, I’ve always loved you. All the things that I believe in today are somehow mirrored by who you were in this life. I hate no-one, I judge no-one. My heart is always worn on my sleeve and care not what others think of the person I am –because I am proud of me, just for me. Racism has no presence in my life. It never will again. I look for that love, that sweetness, that romantic and gentlemanly nature you had in every man I meet. Yet it always falls short. For there will never be another you.
