Saturday, February 26, 2011

Back to Basics

It's amazing to me that when you stop for a second and actually take a look around you can see all the marvels of this world.  With all of the emotional turmoil I've been going through I forgot about what a  remarkable thing life truly is. 

As mentioned in my previous post, I have been doing a lot of "emotional cleaning" and have made some room now for new things to begin. 

This week I began a new eating regime as well.  It's by no means a diet nor is it depriving myself of certain things over others.  I just somehow felt the need to begin eating cleaner.  Eating more organically and pure.  My body (along with my mind) has suffered from neglect for years and it's time to pay homage to its beautiful splendor.  I began seeing a nutritionist a few months back and although the progress was visible it wasn't felt, so I stopped.  It was sad to watch all my hard work be for not over the last while.  So I've decided to try something I have never done before and that's building something just for me, that works..just for me.  It's only been a week but I truly feel a bit better and a little different already.  I haven't incorporated any "big changes" or body shocks to my system.  Just some good old fashion logic and getting myself "back to basics".

I've also began meditating again.  Something I discovered years and years ago that always made me feel wonderful.  It came to my life during a time of much distress and turmoil, and was very grateful for its power.
It was another example that in the middle of complete chaos came a gift of solace and peace.  A gift that dare I didn't look closely enough to see, would have been missed altogether.  So I have decided to bring it back into my everyday life and thus far, it's made a difference.

As human beings we forget that.  We allow ourselves to remain in a funk when life becomes unbearable.  We dwell on the defeat of situations, rather than looking for the lessons we are to take from them.  Thankfully for me, this time around I am allowing things to be seen for what they are.  I'm allowing myself to feel every emotion (good or bad) and be done with it.  However, I am also looking for the meaning of things in the simplest of ways.  I'm accepting life as it is being delivered to me for now and allowing it to show me that there are still colours in my future-far beyond the gloomy black and grey shades of today.  To trust and believe in both myself and the universe that they will unfold accordingly in due time.

So the building blocks to rebuilding my life have arrived.  Now all I have to do is pick them up, one by one create once again.  Dare I say aloud that I'm actually beginning to get excited about what is to come? Yes, it is true.  I am beginning to see that when you look at life closely you truly cannot deny what a wonderful thing it really is.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Emotional Cleanse

This new beginning has been quite the emotional roller-coaster ride thus far.  After some reflection, I realize now that in order to have a "re-birth" you must shed the old skin.  That's been the tough part.  I've been digging so much into my closets to get all the demons out that I'd forgotten just how much I've stored there.  All these years, who would have guessed that I was an "emotional hoarder"

It's really hard to take a look at your life and see all the things you've been holding onto.  We all do it.  Some of us keep tangible possessions with us, while others keep people in their lives that most likely have no business being there.  Me, I hold onto emotions.  My mind is like a vault that way.  I remember every damn painful thing that's ever be said or has happened to me in my life.  Again, I'm sure most people do to a degree but I allow it to have too much control over who I am.  So needless to say this part of the journey has been very difficult for me. 

After spending a few late hours one night this week talking to one of my oldest and dearest friends, I realized that in order for my life to truly change I would have to alter my universe.  In order for me to move on to the next chapter I would have to really make peace with"volume one of  Gia's life"  It's the only way I will be able to give myself the chance/opportunity to be happy.  What I've been doing in the past is just simply shutting the door, trying to forget and it's not healthy.  How can you live in a place where you crave peace, love and happiness, when you keep hearing the knocking and cries of old ghosts?  You can't.  With that said, I have decided that this is the place where my first chapter begins.  Where I MUST begin.  Making peace with the past, forgiving others for all they have done/said that have kept my heart and vision of my life prisoner. Yet, as the days pass, I realize that I really have one person in particular to forgive most of all. Me!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Been Round & Round

I wanted to thank you all for all your kindness and support over the last two months.
While dealing with a lot of emotional baggage in my life, I decided to stop writing for a while.  I do realize that this was a mistake and therefore should have used this forum as a blank canvas for all my feelings.
Yet, even a Writer can go numb and blank from words. I needed to clear my mind of all the junk and come back focused.

I cannot say that I am completely free of all that haunts me just yet, but I have been round and round in my mind trying to digest all that is happening in my world.  I can now see clearly.  I know for most people a new year began on January 1st, but for me it begins on February 13th instead.  I begin the new year with a new purpose, more dreams and an incredible determination to make them all happen.  Sadly, I have had to make some hard decisions over the past several months to get myself to this point but I made it. 

I buried some old ghosts, which were taking up residence in all my closets.  Each time I opened a door, there they were.  Just starring at me.  Pointing and laughing.  I had to end relationships and a love that I thought would warm me forever.  It's truly been a painful process but I had to release myself in tears so my eyes would clear and I could finally see once again. 

In doing all of this I do realize that I abandoned all of you.  For this I am sorry.  I haven't mastered how to keep my heart/soul open when I hurt.  Enough so to allow the feelings to flow through words.  However, I am learning to let it in.  I am humbly thankful for my small public and utterly touched that you are all still here waiting for me.  I am undeserving of such loyalty and feel so blessed.

So once again, I am looking at a blank page in the story of my life and a new chapter is just waiting to be written.  I do not know what it will entail.  I feel both afraid and excited as to what it may hold, but am willing to make the journey to find love, peace and happiness once again. 

This is my adventure, my life.  It may not always play out as I wish, but content to know that I am responsible for steering it in a positive direction.  In the end ( just like Frankie Sanatra used to say...) I will know that "I did it MY WAY"